Jamesyboi

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge said, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me." "I didn't say she was insane!" exclaimed Mickey. "I said she was ######ing Goofy!"

Saying that "America must take a preemptive approach to the War on Bird Flu," President Bush launched a nuclear attack on Turkey today. He said the Canary Islands are next...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when she sees a wolf sitting under a tree with its ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin. She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"

The wolf just grins and looks a bit wild about the eyes.

She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"

The wolf grins a bit wider and looks slightly harassed.

She says, "My, what big teeth you have!" The wolf pulls himself together, looks her in the eye and says, "###### off! I'm trying to take a dump!"

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear:

a) Mom,

Dad,

c) Love of my life,

d) Assistant Principal,

e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) car

house

c) pet

d) espresso maker

e) left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile

puerile

c) inept

d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic

e) woefully under-appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car

jet ski

c) large helium balloon

d) rodent-driven sledge

e) zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house,

wife,

c) Cub Scout troop,

d) 1/16th-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete

with torch-light,

e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine.

fathom.

c) comprehend.

d) appreciate.

e) pay for.

And I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me.

sue me.

c) spank me.

d) take my firstborn.

e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the

fish in your koi pond.

But I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at

a) school.

work.

c) church.

d) the bowling alley.

e) the municipal jail.

And to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend.

child.

c) sibling.

d) lease co-signer.

e) only possible match should you ever need a

bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid.

was so silly.

c) would have been funny if it worked.

d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.

e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me.

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here who's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

"And what about you Grandpa?" asks the grandson.

"And me ... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The ######ing Arab!'"

Hello?"

"Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom

With Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

"But honey,

You haven't got

An Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do,

And he's upstairs in the room With Mommy, Right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then,

This is what I want you to do.

Put the phone

Down on the table, Run upstairs knock on the bedroom door And shout to Mommy That Daddy's car Just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy,

Just a minute."

A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

He asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared,

Jumped out of bed With no clothes on And ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, Hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed With no clothes on, too.

He was all scared And he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know That you took out the water

Last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool And I think he's dead."

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . .

Is this

486-5731?"

ROFL

love it

Heart Surgeon's Funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied, "I'm a gynaecologist"...

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!" "Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

This is an actual job application someone submitted to McDonald's. They hired him.

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION - Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any.

PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, ''Do you have a car that runs?''

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked. The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

A bear walks into a bar and says “I want a bourbon and....a coke”, the bartender asks “what’s with the huge pause?” The bear say “I’ve had them all my life.”

A travelling salesman is in West Virginia when he comes upon a house with a little boy sitting on the front steps.

"Son, is your mother home?" The little boy nods yes.

"Can I see her please?" The boy nods again, and they go around to the back of the house where they find the mother on the ground, humping away with a sheep.

"Son, do you see what your mother is doing?" The boy nods yes.

"Do you know what that is?" The boy nods.

"Doesn't that bother you?" "Naaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?'' The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''

There was this guy who wanted to quit smoking. He decided to use the patch to try to quit, but he was very self-conscious about it and thought that it looked ridiculous.

One day, the man was in a public bathroom standing at a urinal. He looked down at the guy standing next to him and noticed that he had a patch on his penis.

Puzzled, the man asked, "Why in the world do you have a nicotine patch on your dick?" And the man replied, "Well, why not? It's working; I'm down to two butts a day."

George W. Bush is sitting in the White House kitchen putting together a puzzle and having a very difficult time of it. The first lady comes into the kitchen, and asks what he's doing.

Very frustrated, George says, "I'm trying to do this tiger puzzle, but I can't seem to make the pieces fit right." Laura Bush sighs and says, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box, dear, and come to bed."

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink

1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood

2nd Vampire: I want a double shot

3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the

drinks, but looks kind of confused. The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the

vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to

spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could

get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee

off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany

the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed

the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball

far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally,

they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough

shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly

between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally

said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the

ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on

the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that

pine tree was only three feet tall."

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar. FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well,

first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing

at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator

out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.

Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make

things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You

have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier

from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez

zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big

slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon

all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then

silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all

over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?

3 men walk into a bar. After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the

bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them. The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches. The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches. Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick. The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go". As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a

boner or we'd still be there."

A very sexy redhead walks into a pub and takes a seat at the end of the bar. The bartender says to her, "What can I get ya?" The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer." The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman

immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three men

from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her. The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat

at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender asks, "What

can I get ya?" The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer." The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman

immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four men

from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her. The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat

at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender says, "I

know, you want a Busch..." The woman stops him and says, "No, you better make it a Bud Light, that

Busch makes my pussy hurt."

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that

horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night". So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his

ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the

rest of the night. The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can

make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of

the night. So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and

the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man

did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry. The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does

and to make him cry I showed him".

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each

day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that,

when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never

called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,

spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated

to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner

date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but

when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly

and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband

in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her

house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to

leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with

them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday