Jamesyboi

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the

buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A l arge powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of sprin g flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff

completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

'But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."

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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

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Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.

"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver. Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He

died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

Earl excitedly replies, "Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

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Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you."

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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hel_l did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.

"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay to the left!" After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car - you

or your mother?"

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector walks up.

"Sir, can I please see that bag?" he asks. "Sure," says the hunter and hands the bag over.

The Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger up its ass. He pulls it out, smells it and says, "This here's a Virginia goose, do you have a Virginia Hunting License?"

The hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the inspector. The inspector nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out another goose.

He sticks his finger up it's ass and says, "This here's a Maine goose, do you have a Maine Hunting License?"

The hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to the inspector. He nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine and says, "This here is a Rhode Island goose, do you have a Rhode Island Hunting License?"

The hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts it back in.

"Boy," you having all these licenses, where you from?" asks the Inspector. The hunter pulls down his pants and asks, "Why don't you find out?"

Bullfrogs and Blowjobs

New Products

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was a wakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning

and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down,

the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh"

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning

there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with

me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

"You're simply going through the change

Gotta Pay for the Tractor

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad." A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse, "as soon as that tractor is paid for." A few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens. He promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time. His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that ###### tractor is paid for."

28 Signs You Are Too Drunk

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12. You fall off the floor...

13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

18. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

19. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

20. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

21. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

22. Roseanne looks good.

23. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

24. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

25. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

26. I'm as jober as a sudge.

27. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

28. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away. "The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied. How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from it's beak to it's tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. $300!" she cried. "$300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $40. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to

spring and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on

the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the only type of

cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger

involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of

events are put into motion:

Routine:

1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with

the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is

lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More Routine:

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks

her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the

situation.

Important again:

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More Routine:

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces

and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing

her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing women!

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone

on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and

begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather

coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure... go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw

the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$260,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted

last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but

just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later. I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking

at him in astonishment.

THEN he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Plotting World Domination

16. Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.

15. Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.

14. Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.

13. When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.

12. Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.

11. What you thought was "heat" is actually a four-legged goose step.

10. Well, "somebody" subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.

9. Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals "tattoo" to be blueprint of the UN Building.

8. Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.

7. Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out "Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head."

6. Then -- dead mice in the kitchen. Now -- dead third world dictators in the basement.

5. Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of "land mine" technology.

4. Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.

3. Has recently been acting somewhat... aloof.

2. What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Plotting World Domination...

1. Somehow, you're now subscribed to "Feline of Fortune" magazine.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY! Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

OUCH, THAT SMARTS!! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

EVER WONDER where we are headed...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".

(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".

(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".

(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):

"Do not turn upside down". Well..duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".

(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".

(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".

(And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".

(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".

(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".

(Talk about a news flash!)

On Sandomigran pills for headache relief: "Side-affects include headaches"

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".

(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Qantas??)

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:

On a child's superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

A father was watching his young daughter playing in the

garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his

little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought

about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent

eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went

over to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was watching two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl

asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute

and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are

Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a

moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said,

"Well, we're not having any of that gay S*** in our garden."

Train Ride

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".

"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I ###### well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers...."

Rules for Driving in LA

~ If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current colour of the light.

~ The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.

~ If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.

~ Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.

~ Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.

~ When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need to stop.

~ While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.

~ Every lane is the suicide lane.

~ Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car in a parking ramp.

~ During rush hour, drivers should pass the time by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.

~ If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of icicle plants.

~ For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest.

~ To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are driving on the 101 or suffering from a midlife crisis.

~ If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.

~ If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it 's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.

~ Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.

~ Totally disregard on-coming traffic.

~ If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!

~ Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5 AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.

~ Never Carpool.

~ Take full advantage of your right to u-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.

~ In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can not drive in any sort of precipitation.

~ While driving uphill, do not down shift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.

~ On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,

Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year

old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years

old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our

advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the

church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, "simply in on the

Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and

continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come

along,"

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin a very and proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to

make

sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make it proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the

undertaker

that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request,

considering the very limited space available on the small piece of

stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the

appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED "

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and

said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman

wanting to know if the coast is clear"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk,

and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks

familiar" The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a

gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door she

finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the

gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says,

"Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her USA government

class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision

George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked

and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,

patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached

the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at

the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my

possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."

A man and his wife were spending a day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape section, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did this and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now tell him you have a headache."

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f%$king car."

Tied to the Tracks

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.

He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "######, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "######, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "###### that sonofabitch can drive"... then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "###### that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit."

"Well," says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!!He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our butts, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turned to him and said, "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best ###### blow job you've ever had!"

He paused ... then spit. "######, THAT SON OF A B**** CAN **DRIVE**!!"

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." The president laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" The president agrees, "Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet, "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money,

so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hel_l's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

Dilbert's Rules of Order

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10.I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11.You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12.Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13.Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14.Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15.A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

16.Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

21.If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

23.When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

24.Following the rules will not get the job done.

25.When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, " How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is

moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his

window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kim

Beazley. They're asking for a $300 million ransom. Otherwise they're

going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to

car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween

party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to

the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued

and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was

no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his

costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain

and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would

have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was

not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in

his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every

nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss

there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he

left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let

him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her

ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had s*x in

the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and

put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of

explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of

time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're

not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got

there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the

spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker

all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad,

apparently he had the time of his life.

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a S***.

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate

point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on to the computer.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the

shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly

obvious to his wife that he was keying in:-

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:-

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child

in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with

the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their

insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these

are first graders..... 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Better to be safe than.....................punch a 5th grader.

2. Strike while the..........................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before.................Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of...........termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

6. Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty.

7. No news is..................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a......................Mister..

9. You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust............................me.

12. The pen is mightier than the...............pigs.

13. An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's................pollution.

15. Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is...........................not much.

17. Two's company, three's.....................the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to

bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and............you

have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you...........see in the picture

on

the box.

24. When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

And the favorite:

25. Better late than...........................pregnant