Jamesyboi

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

(######, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

_____

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase

necessary. Details inside.

(the shoplifter special)?

_____

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be how???....)

_____

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:

Defrost."

(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

_____

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not

turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

_____

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

_____

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on

body."

(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

_____

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or

operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just

get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

_____

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness"

(and..I'm taking this because???....)

_____

On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to...what)?

_____

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other

use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

_____

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

_____

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open

packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

_____

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment

does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

_____

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with

your hands or genitals"

(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house, yelling to her husband

"Pack your bags sweetie, I just won the Lotto!

$10 million of it... Woooohoooo!"

"That's great, honey!", he replies,

"Do I pack for the beach or Mountains?"

Who cares!," she replies, "Just <deleted> off!!"

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best Dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked the new wife to exchange it, but she refused."Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it!", she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, " Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and her mother did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, " Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, " Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding! "

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of

boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost

instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting

someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by

simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a

few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a

timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from

rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will

be too afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will

forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Also, remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

If you shop anywhere but K-Mart, you are just showing off!

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know

when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

NAG NAG NAG

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay

of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at

midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was

feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What

time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself

a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give

him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's

rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN,

DON'T YOU EVER STOP!"

Only George could get away with being so erudite!!

The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. "

- George W. Bush

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. "

- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

- George W. Bush

The future will be better tomorrow. " George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. "

- George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

- George W. Bush

" We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe.

We are a part of Europe."

- George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."

- George W. Bush

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." - George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "

- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

- George W. Bush

" Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

- George W. Bush

" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. "

- George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

- George W. Bush

There's nothing like a woman scorned.

She spent the first day packing her belongings

into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and

collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at

their beautiful dining room table by candlelight,

put on some soft background music, and feasted on a

pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of

Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every

room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells,

dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain

rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend,

all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly,

the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and

mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents,

and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung

everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas

canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in

the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to

visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer

and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price

in half, they could not find a buyer for their

stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors

refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money

from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things

were going. He told her the saga of the rotting

house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old

home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce

settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell

was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of

what the house had been worth...But only if she were

to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and

within the hour, his lawyers delivered the

paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood

smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to

take to their new home......including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

A 96-Year-Old's Letter to the Bank

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a

96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to

have it published in the New York Times.

"Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I

endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three

nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and

the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer,

of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire income, an

arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of

opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty

for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that

whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,

when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,

overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has

become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a

flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will

therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at

your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an

employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other

person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an

Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to

complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I

know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is

no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be

countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of

his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)

must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which

he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be

shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number

of button presses required of me to access my account balance on

your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me

level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the

buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to

nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my

computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a

later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be

put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering

service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,

uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client "

(Remember: This was written by a 96-year-old woman.)

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.

7. A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.

8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

10. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

"True" Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card - just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hel_l away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her

Mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't

Have any money" but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes,

Anything" the blonde promised. Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as

He walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed

The man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now

Get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go

Ahead take it out....." He said. She reached in and grabbed it with both

Hands. Then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered ... "Well . Go

Ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding

It close to her lips, tentatively said .

"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

Driving to the office this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 140km/hr with her face up close to her rear vision mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup! It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, when I started to scream, the cigarette dropped out of my mouth, ruining my shirt and disconnecting an important call.

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS !!

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and

"break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids

next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around

you.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's

leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the

beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely

upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and

antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm! never

going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for

real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you

congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# What Happened?"

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of

his dad bouncing up and down, and retreats. The mom sees her

son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen;

she dresses and quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?

"The mother replies" Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and

sometimes I have to get on top of it to help to flatten it.

"You're wasting your time, "says the boy.

"Why is that?" ... Asked his mom puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and

gets on her knees and blows it back up again".

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful

sexy young woman.

"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do

this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving

this house and I want a divorce!"

The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least

listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you

cheating creep."

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so

defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she

was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not

eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed

up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat

because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to

her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty

I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed

her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no

longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse

that I gave you on our anniversary and you dont wear because I don't

have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for

Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave

her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never

wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned

around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked

me, "Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

20 CLUES TO "CALLING IT A NIGHT" FOR GIRLS

I know it's time to go home when...

1. I have absolutely no idea where my jacket/bag and/or purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms over my head and my butt wiggling while yelling "woo-hoo" is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.

4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look more like an Oxford Street tranny than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. kebab on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start telling everyone I see that I love them soooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's because I can no longer taste the vodka.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen/bathroom floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way, but...."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor, wherever I happen to be standing, and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button-fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

Blind Salesman

A woman goes into Myers to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes

over to the counter.

The Myers salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says,

"Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the

counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from

the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the

counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a

Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and

it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound

Of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her

purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card

"he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way

the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me It was

on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Country Preacher

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three

objects:

A Bible,

A silver dollar, and

A bottle of whisky.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered,

"He's gonna be a politician!!!"

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah asked.....

"George, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable."

George said.....

"I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Oprah said.....

"I understand you still do the 'sex thing' too, even at your age."

George said.....

"Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it!"

Oprah said.....

"I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"

So they had sex, and when they finished, Oprah said.....

"I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied! You are truly a remarkable man.!

George told her that the second time is even better than the first!

Oprah said..... "You mean you can really do it again, even at your age?"

George said..... "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand, and wake me up in thirty minutes."

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said..... "Oh George, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time! And at your age! Oh My, Oh My!!!

George, said that the third time would be even better! "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand, and wake me up me in thirty minutes."

Oprah asked..... "Does my holding and touching you kind of recharge your batteries?"

George said..... "hel_l no, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!"

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Graham, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss 'er."

"Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's abosolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming in, and wishes them good luck.

He charges them $50.00 and he says good bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled but again agrees. This goes on for several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor an then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask....Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married - we can't go to her house

I'm married - we can't go to my house. The holiday Inn charges $98.00. The Hilton charges $139.00. We do it here for $50.00, and I get $43.00 back from Medicare !!!!!!!!!!"

Lost At Sea

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the two frat guys and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, “I wish the ocean was made of beer.” Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, “Way to go ######! Now we have to piss in the boat!”

Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hel_l out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Abducted

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"

Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"

"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."

The Perfect Day

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.

7:00 Shower and massage.

7:30 Blowjob.

7:45 Massive dump while reading the sports section.

8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

12:30 Blowjob.

12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

6:15 Blowjob.

6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

7:30 Shit, shower, shave.

8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Hillary Clinton and Al Gore sex scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

Chinese Laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!

USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

Chinese Proverbs

Virginity like bubble - one prick all gone

Man who run in front of car get tired

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man with one chopstick go hungry

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it

Man who drive like hel_l bound to get there

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs

Man who farts in church sits in own pew

Crowded elevator smells different to midget

Redneck Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"

Woman - "WHAT?"

Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.