Jamesyboi

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT & T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland,CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who

had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,

officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and

forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money

in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man

in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll

shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?"

the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a

Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger

to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour out of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a

problem.

No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot

boat, going.

It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them

what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the

propeller was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have

always naively thought that it had something to do with their Religion. The

Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her

wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has won

a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United

States . If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving

technical advice.

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting all day for you", the policeman said.

The kid replied: "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up: "Low Bridge Ahead".

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him, and he gets stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car pulls up. The cop gets out and walks around to the front of the truck, puts his hands on his hips.

"Got stuck, eh?" asks the cop.

"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ”Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hel_l): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

A man visits his doctor.

"I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of

my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the

patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let

you do such a thing to me?"

"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and

the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But

two weeks after the operation, he came back.

"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has

turned blue too."

Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his

other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was

very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc,

and the patient had to agree to the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned

to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My

penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc

gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has

to go.

Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really

want to die?", asked the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no

problem."

So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation,

the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is

very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."

"What?"

"Can you tell me what a hel_l is happening?"

So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand Trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"<deleted> off !! " she said, "they're for your funeral !!"

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."

My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the

difference between Potentially and Realistically?"

To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask

your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars."

So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!"

So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so sexy of course I would!"

Then last but not least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?"

So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically"

"Well what's the difference?" says the father.

"Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"

What the advert said versus what it really means

--------------------------------------------------------------

needs minor work = needs significant work

needs nothing = except a tow truck

easy project car = completely disassembled, bring many boxes

minor rust = don't sit down!

minor rust = major rust you can’t see...

low mileage = only 170,000

convertible = after driving under truck

runs great = too bad it doesn’t roll

alarm = wires are cut to sell stolen

nice stereo = to overcome exhaust noise

needs paint = to cover rust

new paint = beautifully covers rust

fully loaded = seller is too

all options = 8-track player

only 59,000 miles = actually 359,000 miles

rare model = one of 500,000 made

must sell = before the law finds seller

must sell = need bail money

summer fun = roof leaks in winter

summer fun = won't make it to fall

reliable = don't leave the neighborhood

daily driver = 400 miles a day

only driven Sundays = Sunday is race day

engine rebuilt = engine degreased to look it

doesn’t smoke = no oil to burn, or 90wt oil

trans. rebuilt = fine sawdust used to make it quiet

4 speed gearbox = 5th gear is dead

hurry, won't last = neither will car

new tires = retreads years ago

well maintained = oil changed every other leap year

drives like dream = nightmare

car cover = to help keep out rats

always garaged = embarrassed to leave it outside

family owned = driven by 6 teenagers

fully restored = nothing original

smog exempt = DMV doesn't think so

tags till next year = stolen year sticker

moving, must sell = off to jail, need bail money

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her

daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?"

She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the hummingsound again,this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the couch.

"What the hel_l are you doing?" She asked. He replied,"Watching the cricket with my son-in-law."

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while

we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like

to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember.

Mammograms

Many women are anxious about mammograms, but there is no need to

worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam

and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the

test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and

around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut

the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the

first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement

floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on

the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a

friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently

flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite

a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your

breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an

appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

AND, just a thought for all the women out there........

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,

MENopause............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with

men?.........And

When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!

Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have

a mammogram!!!!!!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...

Hard to Find

Supportive

Comfortable

Always Lifts You Up

Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging

And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

Share this with a friend!

I DID

I'm not sure where this is, but imagine how insane this ride would be ..

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank....do you think

a) You need more time together?

She's a ######in prude?...or

c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?

Everyday a man walks up close to a lady co-worker standing in the office, inhales a big breath of air & says "ur hair smells nice". After a week of this she puts in a sexual harrassment complaint against him. The Personnel Manager asked "What's wrong with him sayin ur hair smells nice?" She said...."It's Tim....the dwarf!"

When is a pixie not a pixie?

When she's got her head down an elf's pants......then she's a Goblin......

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"

His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me." "OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.

When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.

A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."

It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day, only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his wood, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously, "Whatcha doin', Dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replied, "Whatcha gonna do, screw him?"

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order. The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sober. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually

approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS." The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nud_e. Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his Johnson.

Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze. The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal and was treated to a feast.

After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The Blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO THAT'S HOW YOU LOAD THOSE THINGS!"

The Pope

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the

limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you

please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let

me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd

lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the

driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra

in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs

in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when,

after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo

to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver,

but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!"

moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop

approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his

motorcycle, and gets on the radio."I need to talk to the Commander," he says.

The Commander gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo

going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,"

said the cop.

The Commander exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of

persistence.

The Commander then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Commander: " The Premier?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Commander: "The Prime Minister?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Commander, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!" The Commander is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you

think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent

interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a train

station in Sydney

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the

evils of Australia I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young

(20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely

declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a

gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you

care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in

France during World War I, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in

Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and

bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella

up your arse and open it."

God Bless Australia!!

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her

excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best

dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new

young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to

exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look like a million

bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart.

I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days

later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When

they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going

to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion

where you could wear it.

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing

it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

A man went into a store and told the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looked at him and said, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, said, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?

"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

" Well.......... ."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy said, "All right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:

"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door

"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

Pizza Shop Slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then the interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant in their country club, when

this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big wet

kiss, and says she'll see him later and walks away.

The guy's wife glares at her husband and hollers,

"Just who in the hel_l was that?"

"Well," replies the husband, sheepishly, "if you must know, she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a

divorce!" she rants!

"I can understand that," replies her husband, but slowly he continued, "but just remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more country club, shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours alone."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young blonde babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Morrie ?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband. As she sips on her martini, she looks at her husband, smiles and whispers,

"Ours is prettier."