Jamesyboi

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

A woman goes into Big W to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.The Big W salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally passes wind.At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was her that passed wind and so acts as if nothing had happened.The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?" Well madam "The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

Eleven people were hanging on a rope underneath a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The Rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to let go,

because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They were unable to decide who should let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would volunteerily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and her kids and for men in general, and was always used to making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, ALL the men started clapping.

Now that's an intelligent woman.

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.

A Blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other, and another customer asked,

"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine,

I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked

him to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the

middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had

the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said,

"Of course, it's right there."

A man went into a store and told the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looked at him and said, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, said, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?

"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

" Well.......... ."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy said, "All right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

Should Children Witness Childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Max was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Max began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, smack his ass again!"

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then the interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. It is decided that the brunette will go looking for a bull to purchase while the blonde will stay home to run the ranch. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at a ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word

--

"comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde and the word is big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul.

The Allied Invasion. The Trojan Horse. The Divine Plan. The following strategy puts them all to shame because it defines how to finally defeat the great beast of society: women.

Arguing with girls, like yoga, is a meaningless and inane exercise. A lot of guys hate doing it, most notably because it never seems like we can win. But you can win. Here's how.

Step 1. Abandon all logic. Girls don't use it, and you certainly shouldn't allow it to handicap you.

Step 2. If you believe strongly in something, do NOT give in to any aspect of it. Compromise is useless against girls, because they will rationalize that if they can get you to concede to one element, they can get you to quit on the whole Periodic Table. (Nothing like a little chemistry humor, right?)

Step 3. Don't be afraid to take cheap shots. Ever argue with a girl about something and they randomly insult you with something that has no relevance to the argument? That's their way of trying to wear you down and push you off-topic. Fight fire with fire, I say. Tell her she has a fat ass, small boobs, an ugly face, disorienting facial hair, unwieldy hips, and is a genuinely awful person.

Step 4. Cite precedent. Girls have no concept of historical factors relating to the current situation. Most girls reading this just went over to dictionary.com to see what "precedent" meant.

Step 5. Interrupt her. Don't let her talk. Girls hate that like they hate other girls. It's hilarious, too. They get all frazzled.

Step 6. Don't take her seriously. Laugh at every point she deems serious in nature. Fart, if possible. Derail her emotional train.

Step 7. If the argument escalates, cut off all communication with her. If a girl can't find you, she can't continue arguing about bullshit. Change your phone number, relocate, and get a name change if you must.

Step 8. Don't be fooled by "Let's stop arguing please." That's their way of making you let your guard down, so they can swoop in after you're worn down. Instead, say something like "Yeah, all this being right is exhausting for me." Pisses them off. Just trust me.

Step 9. Compare her unfavorably with another girl. This is especially effective if the comparison is with a girl that they simply abhor. Tell her something like, "Lisa is so much more compassionate than you." Girls hate other girls, like a deer hates a shotgun. And how do you take down a deer? Exactly.

Step 10. Don't be intimidated by the water works. That's their ultimate contingency, knowing that guys can't deal with a crying girl. Stay strong, don't let yourself get emotional, just think of something funny. Replay scenes from "Office Space" in your head if you must.

Step 11. Bust out, "I don't feel like fighting. I've proven my point." Then stop. Leave the argument. It pisses them off because a guy's natural reaction is to resolve, whereas a girl's is to continue forever and ever until the end of time until they hear that they are right. If a guy decides that he is right and won't budge, their whole concept of male-female relations is shot to shit. Again, mind games.

Step 12. Ask her if she's on the rag. Self-explanatory.

Step 13. When all else fails, tell her she's just like her mother. It's an ace-in-the-hole and will emotionally cripple her to such a degree she may even forget her whole argument.

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and

maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!

I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...

...so I told her to <deleted> off.

This is a story about a popular minister who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and applause.

Ms. Ella May, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!" There is a hush.

The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?" Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said . "Screw him."

A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two

female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the local race

track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

Cancel credit cards

Do you sometimes wonder, how some businesses continue to exist,

without the common sense or intelligence of an earth person?

Cancel Credit Cards before you die?

This is just so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer

service being what it is.

My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and

March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then

added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had

been $0.00, now was somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following

phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges

still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report

her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her

being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

Supervisor gets on the phone.

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges

still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: "..... (Stammer)" ... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given.)

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given) (After they get the

fax.)

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what

more I can do to help."

Me: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep

billing her. I don't really think she will care."

CitiBank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129, plot number 69.

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." !

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own

family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help.

After six months, his therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sarah, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it and was immediately fired from his job.

Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his

pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle

slicer?"

Yossel tearfully replied, "I think she got fired, too."

PRICELESS HANGOVER

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the room, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!" :rofl

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

Woodridge is to make a bid for the 2008 Olympic games.

In order to increase the likelihood that the successful hometown athletes willwin at least some medals, the competitions have been modified somewhat.However, fierce competition is expected from rival areas such as Kingston , Inala,Beenleigh and Caboolture.

OPENING CEREMONY

A petrol bomb will ignite the Olympic flame, thrown by a resident of the areawearing the traditional flannelette shirt, jeans and no shoes, with hisde-facto wearing the traditional bike pants and short top with oversizedstomach.

THE EVENTS

100 Metre Sprint.

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave (one in

eacharm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released froma cage 10 metres behind the athletes.

100 Metres Hurdle.

As above but with added obstacles - car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences,walls, train, etc.

Hammer Throw.

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use claw,sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodilyharm to members of the public within the time allowed.

Shooting.

A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first targetwill be a moving police vehicle. In the second round, competitors will aim at apost office clerk, bank teller, petrol station attendant or video storeattendant.

Boxing.

Entry to boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will takeplace on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 cans of VB orbourbon/cola at the local pub followed by a quick visit to The Site, The KittyKat Club, or The Dollhouse, whilst the wife will be told not to make him anydinner when he gets home. She will be wearing bike pants, short top andthongs.

Cycling Time Trials.

The competitor will attend the local skateboard area where they will obtain abicycle stolen from a mummies boy (preferably from John Paul College ,Brisbane Boys College , Brisbane Grammar School , St Peters or Redeemer Lutheran Colleges ).

They will then be racing against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded shoulda helmet be obtained at the time of taking the bike.

Modern Pentathlon.

Amended to include robbery with violence, burglary, and unlawful use of a motorvehicle, arson, and wilful exposure.

Men's 50km Walk.

Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled, as organizers cannotguarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Woodridge anymore.

Gymnastics.

The kerb outside the local tavern will replace the beam. The events willcommence at closing time - we expect some extremely difficult dismounts to beperformed on this apparatus. The floor routine will be conducted in the paddedcell of the Logan Central Police Lockup.

CLOSINGCEREMONY

The local AC/DC cover band will provide entertainment. The Olympic flame willbe extinguished by local representatives urinating from a specially builtplatform above the Olympic flame in a cascading effect. The stadium will thenbe boarded up before local athletes break in, smash all glass, and remove allcopper piping and anything else of value.

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, “You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad.”

The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, “What is it doc? Don't hold back -- just give it to me straight.”

“Well,” says the doctor, “you have cancer and you have Alzheimers.” The man replies, “Wow. Well, at least I don't have cancer.”

One day a man was pissing in a public bathroom and a midget walked in and set up a step-ladder. When the man looked down, he noticed the midget staring at his balls.

"Excuse me, sir," said the midget. "I was just really admiring your balls. Mind if I hold them?"

"Why not?" said the man. So the midget grabs onto one of his balls and says, "Now give me your wallet or I'll jump!"

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? .........We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? ..........We don't know who our fathers are."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal? ...............We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? .We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?", they asked. "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.

"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've

never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop

his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo.ha' the

doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been

bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started

giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes

later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain

his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't

know what came over me. On my honor as a

doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen

again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied

The Compliment

A woman, standing nud_e, looks in the bedroom mirror

and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly.

Pay me a compliment." The husband replies,

"Your eyesight's ###### near perfect." He never heard the shot...