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Jamesyboi
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Posts posted by Jamesyboi
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President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a resteraunt. Cheney orders the heart-heathly salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey could I have a quickie?"
The waitress was horrified. "Mr. President," she says, "I thought your administration was bringing a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see what a false promise the was."
And she marches off in a huff. Cheney leans over and says, "George, it's pronounced quiche."
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Understanding Marketing
You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
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There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, “Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.”
The Snail was okay with this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!! As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled “WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!”
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Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't get a visa. One day, she met a man who told her not to dispair.
"l'll let you sneak aboard my captain's ship and take you to France, but you have to screw me every time I bring you food, okay?"
She accepted, and for about three months the guy brought her food and water and then she screwed him. This went on for about 3 months, at which point she was discovered by the captain. The captain asked what she was doing and she said a man was taking her to France if she screwed him every time he brought her food. The captain replied, "He sure is screwing you - this is the New York Ferry."
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A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by. "Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
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A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.
The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."
They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."
He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."
He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:
"Shit!" It took him two weeks to air out the church.
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Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from ireland, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his photo taken"
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Go Get Yo' Mama
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, “Boy, go git yo Momma….”
A business man met a beautiful girl & asked her to spend the night with him for $500.
And she did.
Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check & mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 & enclosed a note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cosy & at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, & that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlord.
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A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
The nurses went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined: no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room.
"What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I guess she choked".
The accountant and the tattoo....
An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hel_l have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hel_l were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill on his penis?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow," he began. "Two, once in a while, I like to play with my money... Three, I like how money feels in my hand...
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!
One Solution
A man sat at a local bar & said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. "I'm celebrating, too," she continued, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, & for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile.
"What a coincidence," the woman said. "For years my husband & I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I switched cocks,” he replied.
“What a coincidence,” she said.
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Why a lawyer should never ask a question of a witness if he isn't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - an elderly grandmother. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died!
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called the prosecutor and defence lawyer to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be goaled for contempt."
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head that she could turn to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, she turned the knob and the effects were wonderful-she remained young looking and vibrant. After 15 years, she returned to the surgeon. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've turned the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these big bags under my eyes and the knob just won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
The woman said, "I guess that explains the goatee."
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The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set
in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-size pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is not moved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "This check is only made out for $100." "That's
right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "She was here, and you could have."
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This bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles, one is already occupied. So he enters the other one, closes the door, drops his tweeds and sits down. A voice then comes from the cubicle next to him;
"G'day mate, how ya going?"
Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the guy replies;
"Yeh, not too bad thanks"
After a short pause, he hears the voice again;
"So, what are you up to mate?"
Again answering reluctantly, but unsure what to say, replies;
"Umm, just having a quick poo mate. How about yourself?"
He then hears the voice for the 3rd time.....
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some <deleted> next to me answering all my questions"
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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here,
and drink whatever comes
out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there
a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car
pool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a
radio out of coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for
the time, but don't point
to their ass when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on
all fours? They're both
dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
Acme crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a
mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the same
tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his
head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make
it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail
address in the first place?
and Why do they call it an asteroid when it's
outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
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A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the panel beaters. The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out. The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.
Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks, "What in the world are you doing?"
The blonde car owner tells her how the panel beater had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hailed dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "hel_l-OOOO! Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?
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HEALTH QUESTION &ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride".
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Make Up $60
Boob Job $6000
Forgetting To Tuck Your Nuts... Priceless
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One day Bob and Bubba went fishing. They were catching a lot of fish so they wanted to figure out how to remember this part if the lake.
Bob said, ''I know. I can spit in the water!''
But Bubba said, '' No! How will we know it's your spit?''
They thought and thought and finally Bob said, '' I know. We can draw an 'X' right here on the side of the boat!'' But Bubba said ''No, no, Bob. That won't work! How will we know that we get the same boat next time?''
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A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!"
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- But everybody looks funny naked!
- You woke me up for that?
- Did I mention the video camera?
- Do you smell something burning?
- What tampon?
- Try breathing through your nose.
- A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
- Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
- Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
- But whipped cream gives me the shits.
- Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good?
- Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
- Can you please pass me the remote control?
- Do you accept Visa?
- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
- Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights.
- And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
- So much for mouth-to-mouth.
- Try not to leave any stains, okay?
- Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
- (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
- Do you get any premium movie channels?
- Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
- (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
- Got any penicillin?
- But I just brushed my teeth...
- Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
- I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
- I want a baby!
- So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
- (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
- Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
- Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
- I think you have it on backwards.
- When is this supposed to feel good?
- Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
- You're good enough to do this for a living!
- Is that blood on the headboard?
- Did I remember to take my pill?
- Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
- I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head...
- That leak better be from the waterbed!
- I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
- So, how's your mother?
- Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the highway?
- If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
- No, really... I do this part better myself!
- It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
- This would be more fun with a few more grandparents.
- You're almost as good as my ex!
- Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
- Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
- You look younger than you feel.
- Perhaps you're just out of practice.
- You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
- They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
- Now I know why he/she dumped you...
- Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
- You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
- I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks.
- Have you ever considered liposuction?
- And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
- What are you planning to make for breakfast?
- I have a sickening confession...
- I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
- Are those real or am I just behind the times?
- Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
- Is that a hanging sculpture?
- You'll still vote for me, won't you?
- Did I mention my transsexual operation?
- I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
- Did you come yet, dear? Did I?
- I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
- A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
- Does this count as a date?
- Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
- Hic! I need another beer for this please.
- I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you?
- You can cook, too right?
- When would you like to meet my parents?
- Have you ever tried it in the nose?
- Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
- Sorry about the nametags, They're to avoid any embarrassment later.
- Don't mind me… I always file my nails in bed.
- (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
- I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
- Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
- Sorry but I don't do toes!
- You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
- Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
- Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
- I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
- So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
- My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
- Is this a sin too?
- I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
- Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
- Long kisses clog my sinuses...
- Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
- How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
- You mean you're NOT my blind date?
- But everybody looks funny naked!
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Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
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10 reasons you know you're a redneck
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
Tarzan
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
Posted
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees."