Jamesyboi

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates

Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal

Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire

Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God

Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God

Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin

Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully

Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!

Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!

A husband and wife were lying in bed together one night. The wife rolled over and placed her hand lovingly on the chest of her husband.

"Honey," the wife said, "if I died would you get married again?"

The husband said, "Never, my dear."

The wife said, "I''m sure you would."

So the husband said, "Okay, I would"

"Would you let her sleep in our bed?" the wife asked.

And the husband replied, "I suppose so."

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her wear my clothes?"

"I doubt she''d want to," the husband said. "She''d be so much thinner."

MONDAY

8:00 - "Husseinfeld"

8:30 - "Mad About Everything"

9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"

9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"

10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAY:

8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"

8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"

9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"

9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"

10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer"

WEDNESDAY:

8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"

8:30 - "When The Northern Alliance Attacks"

9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"

9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"

10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAY:

8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"

8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"

9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"

9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"

10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAY:

8:00 - "Judge Laden"

8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"

9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"

9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"

10:00 - "No-witness News"

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hel_l you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hel_l out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy. "Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression. "The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he's doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.

"My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the man's friends has died. "No, no," says the man, "they're both still alive. I've just quit drinking."

Cats' facial expressions.

The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

Fat clothes.

Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.

Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

Eyelash curlers.

The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

Other women.

A man and a woman were on a nud_e beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.

When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out."

The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hel_l is going on?" The doctor says, "Change of plans -- I'm going to drown the bastard."

Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress' nametag? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?''

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out? Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?'' 1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can''''t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You''''re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?! Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.

The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.

They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed. They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.

The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.

Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?" The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. ''If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.'' Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ''Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.''

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.

"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.

"Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back. "Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said. The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine - I'm Missy."

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him. "I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol." "Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and George W. Bush.

George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.

Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then John Adams says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws George W. Bush off the plane.

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister.

''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.''

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. ''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?

A. Phone her.

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?

A. Because they think men care.

Q. What is the definition of "making love?"

A. Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None, let her cook in the dark.

Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual and B.S.E.?

A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

A. Made her chain too long.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A. Marry her.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?

A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet that on your dick.

Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q. Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?

A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q. Why do men fart more than women?

A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A. A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?

A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust".

These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time.

"That's a fine watch you got there!" says the other.

"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says the guy with the watch.

"Really?" "Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.

"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.

The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued, "Yeah, I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best."

He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"

"Gray."

Then he asked "What color siding?"

"Yellow."

"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "hel_l. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hel_l is he doing there if I'm..?"

The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond and your buddy got black hair?"

The man nodded.

"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, and shoot him in the balls." The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy, this is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"