Jamesyboi

"How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress as she walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different. Something unusual was about to happen. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.

Threes - that was it! He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.

The horse ran third.

Two rednecks were driving down a country road in a pickup truck. The old boy drivin' tells his buddy that there's a new gas station on down the road that gave away a CHANCE at free sex with every fill-up, and that he was gonna stop and fill 'er up.

So, they stop and get gas. The owner comes out, collects the money and Tells the old boy that he has a chance to win some free sex. All he has to do is guess the correct number between 1 and 10. After thinking a minute, the feller guesses "6."

The owner says "Man you almost won, the number was 7. Y'all come back!"

They drive off, and after a few minutes of silence, the driver's buddy says "You know what, I've been thinking about that free-sex deal, and it's crooked!!. No way you're gonna win. No matter what number you guess, that crook gonna say you're wrong."

The driver says "Naw, it ain't rigged. I know you can win."

"And just how the hel_l do you know that?"

The driver replies "My wife stopped in there twice last week, and she won both times.

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through

the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming

home half drunk?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each

other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at

5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be

the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that

he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife

hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper

said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that

her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother

replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well ... OK ... the Mummy and Daddy take

off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up,

and then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes,

and that's how you get babies.

" Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and

said, "Oh, Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies.

That's how you get jewellery.

Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A recent study has found that hormones in beer can turn a man into a woman.

In a controlled situation a group of men were forced to drink 15 schooners a day.They all talked too much,put on weight,stopped making sense,argued over nothing,became emotional,lost interest in sex and had accidents in shopping centre car parks.

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hel_l with your canoes!"

IT'S A TRUE STORY. ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND", WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BYMILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK: "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995 , IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ARMSTRONG WAS ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION.THIS TIME ARMSTRONG FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBOURS. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY:

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY[/color]

Hi all,

just curious where is the best places in Bangkok to get Insulin ?

any help would be appreciated, thankyou.

pls. PM me.

Just thought you might like to check out this awesome photo - this one deserves an award. Fireworks, Lightning, Sunset, a Comet, the Beach all in one image.

Hi guys/girls,

where would one obtain insulin in central Bangkok ? what pharmacies are good/bad ?

any help would be appreciated thankyou.

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.

So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?" The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."

A lady shows up at her doctor's appointment. The doctor calls her name and says, "Will you please follow me?"

She is following him down the hallway when the doctor opens the first door. There is a nurse in there giving a guy a hand job.

The doc says, "Oh, sorry!" and shuts the door.

He starts down the hall again when the lady says, "Excuse me, I don't want to sound stupid, but what was that?"

The doctor replies, "He has a backup problem and the nurse is just helping him out."

The lady just shakes her head and follows the doctor. The doc walks into the second door. There is a nurse giving a man a blowjob.

The doc says, "Oh sorry!" and shuts the door.

He starts down the hall again and the lady says, "Excuse me, I can kind of understand the first one - but what was that?" The doc replies, "Same problem, better insurance."

George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the croud shouted, "Hey look that elephant has two <deleted> on it!"

Bush and Cheney looked down at the elephants ass, confused.

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.

"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.

"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"

"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a f*****g tool when I needed to borrow one!"

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his doctor... "Ex-Ex-ex-cu-cu-se me-me d-d-oc but-but I-I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I-I-I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me?"

"Well, take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over!"

The guy gets into the gown and the doctor begins his examination. Finally the doctor, obviously suprised says, "I see what the problem is. Your penis is so large that it's pulling on your abdominal muscles, which in turn is causing strain on your vocal chords."

"W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?"

"Sure I can, but we'll need to cut off about six inches!"

"G-g-go a-a-a-head,D-D-Doc,I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-anymore, d-do it!!!"

Six months later the guy goes back to the doctor. "Well doc," he says, "I must say that the operation was a great success, but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off!" The doctor replies, "F-f-f-f-f-###### off!!!"

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.

The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''

The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?'' The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.

When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, “Heh, what did he say?”

The old man speaks up as he says, “HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.”

A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, “Ma'am I see you're from Florida.”

The old lady comments, “Heh, what did he say?”

The old man speaks up as he says, “HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'” The old lady nods her head, “Yup.”

The trooper mutters, “Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida.”

The old lady replies, “Heh, what did he say?” The old man yells, “HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!”

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hel_l could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!'' Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

There, he was greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.

Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!" An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant. "Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the ###### things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hel_l and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hel_l, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hel_l?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"