ballpoint

My Doctor said he was not happy with my weight. From now on he said it is half portions for you. When I left his rooms I went next door to the Butcher and ordered Half a Lamb, Half a Pig and Half a cow .....................

My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied lubricant.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn't complain.

I think it's about time people stopped making jokes about the Welsh football team. In all fairness, they're not that bad. Their last 15 results actually look something like this LLWDWWDDLLWWDLL, which, by sheer coincidence, is the name of the village where Gareth Bale's dad was born.

McDonald's are looking for a new clown. Some on here would fit the job, but remember you have some large shoes to fill.

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

Advice needed please. I'm lucky enough to be on holiday from Jan 15th to 30th and would love to go to a quiet place, without crowds, and preferably up in the mountains or in the countryside. Ideally an all inclusive resort type thing. I intend to spend around 200,000 - 300,000 Baht between accommodation, food, and spa treatments, just to relax, unwind and forget the past year. Does anyone know where I can get the money??

I'm getting slower in my old age. My wife asked me to help her move some furniture. It took me twenty minutes to think of an excuse.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late

I had a date last week with a girl at the gym. But she never showed. It was then I knew we would never work out

Tasmanian (or insert any appropriate region of your country here) Christmas card.

Has he looked down the back of the sofa?