ballpoint

Things a conspiracy nut would never say...

Does anyone want to buy a small herd of Friesian Cows? It turns the wife wanted a 2023 Diary ?

So mate of mine, married the vicars daughter, been together a few years now. We were talking and he said sex was getting a bit dull. I suggested he asked to do the other hole. He was a bit "can’t do that she’s the vicars daughter" etc. Well after a bit he agreed that it wouldn’t hurt to ask. Next day I said how did it go. Apparently she said "no we can’t afford children yet"!

Ever since Xmas Eve I could hear faint Latin rhythms and long sustained guitar notes coming from behind the fireplace. Santana got stuck up the chimney.

I hate it when people ask me if I'm a cat or dog person. I've only been in Korea a day, give me a chance.

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened ?" she asks anxiously. "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”

"Army to fill in for striking health workers."

I bought my local MP a get better soon card. He's not sick. I just think he can do better.

Just had the worst day today. I paid a carpenter to build us a bespoke double bed and found out he’s done a bunk. It’s just one thing on top of another…

My car wouldn't start this morning. I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine block. He said: "Good day to you Sir! And might I remark how splendid you look today?" I knew the problem straight away. Bat flattery

I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over them.

I'm having trouble getting into my computer... Enter Password: "FootLoose" ... Wrong, Try again: "DangerZone" ... Wrong, you are locked out! You are only allowed 2 incorrect Loggins.

I asked this nice girl a question the other day. She was a pretty young thing, and gave me a pleasant smile. I asked her if six inches satisfies? She grimaced and pondered, shifting her weight from foot to foot as if balancing the question and finally replied "no not really". So I ordered the ten inch pizza instead.

I accidently sent an embarrassing picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it mortifying, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

Due to NHS receptionists going on strike, patients are now able to see doctors.