ballpoint

To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon. And use the box it came in.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump" "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go" "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No mis"

I'm at the age now where the only time I ever get asked for sex is on application forms.

I was sat in the tattoo parlour earlier when a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slag on its wing.

The bad news; my dog bit my wife so I had to have her put down. The good news; I can walk the dog to the pub now without getting nagged when we get home.

I asked my wife if the cup was half full or half empty. She told me: For the last time, stop wearing my bras.

I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me, "Where the fek did you get her from son? She's cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she's got no teeth!" I replied, "There's no need to whisper Dad. She's deaf as well!"