ballpoint

I used to hate it when my mum would dress me and my twin brother in the same clothes. We could hardly walk!

I shouted: “Push harder” when my wife was in labour. “I hate you” she screamed, I thought that was a bit harsh, It wasn’t my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.

Paddy the electrician has been sacked by the US prison service for refusing to repair the electric chair. He said that in his opinion it was a death trap.

Breaking News! Man with a stammer jailed. Judge rules he's unlikely to complete his sentence.

My wife is the double of Kate Moss;" "Really?" "Yes. Kate Moss weighs 9 stone".

You put your money on the counter of a 'bookmaker', or 'bookie', on the assumption that England will win the world cup. Said bookmaker takes your money, on the assumption that you are an idiot.

How did you do that research? Did you go round giving octopi test tickles? That takes a lot of balls.

England are 8/1 to win the World Cup.... If you're not a gambler that means if you put £10 on, you are going to lose a tenner.

All my computer passwords are protected by amnesia.

"I" before "E" except after - "Old Macdonald had a farm"

Durex regrets to inform you that, due to a quality control error on our part, your birth was an accident. Please report to your nearest Durex facility immediately to be put down. We regret any inconvenience caused.

I see Billy Idol's brother, Bone has got the sack again

I tried to sell my Thomas the Tank Engine train set at an antiques shop today. "You would have got more for it if the fat controller wasn't missing", said the assistant. "Yeah, you're probably right." I replied. "She's good at haggling."

My doctor just prescribed me an anti gloating cream. I can’t wait to rub it in.

I got a job in the kitchen of a Chinese restaurant. It’s not permanent, it’s just wok experience.

Newsweek has a rather extraordinary story, if it's true. It seems Putin was determined on starting a war, any war... "Russia was preparing to attack Japan in the summer of 2021, months before President Vladimir Putin launched a full-scale invasion of Ukraine, an email featuring a letter from a whistleblower at Russia's Federal Security Service (FSB), shared with Newsweek, reveals." The pretext for such an invasion is right from the same little book of lies that they wheeled out for the Ukraine one, including claims that Japan has secret biological warfare centres, along with... "The whistleblower detailed movements of electronic warfare helicopters targeting Japan, while Russia's propaganda machine was also initiated, with a huge push to label Japanese as "Nazis" and "fascists."" Russia Planned To Attack Japan in 2021: Leaked FSB Letters (newsweek.com)

Take a look at the list of the (widely considered to be) smartest people in the world through time, and take a look at a list of the richest people in the world over the ages. I guarantee you won't find many, if any, names appearing on both.