ballpoint

One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Claus wrote him back, “Okay, please send me your mother.”

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal. He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’d like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys. The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realising. As a result, the sister gets the gloves and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it: “I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she’d been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There’s no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve. P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

Arabs and Persians have been referring to white people as al-Faranj and Farangi respectively since the time of the crusades, the term coming from the word Frank, which was based on the Germanic tribe of that name, located in part of where France is now, and then more generally anyone of Western European origin. The term Farangi was likely introduced to Thailand by Arab and Indian Traders in the Ayutthaya period, as it was first used back then to refer to (the mainly Portuguese) European traders visiting the country at that time. Therefore, the term Farang has likely been used by Thais as meaning "white person" from the 1300's, and definitely was used in the 1500's. Many Polynesian Pacific islands also refer to white people as Palangi, a derivation of Farang, with the exception of New Zealand, where we are officially classed as Pakeha.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Déjav. Déjav who? Knock knock…. You've probably heard it before though.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work?

I went to see an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Why are the Irish so rich? Because their capital's always Dublin.

My inflatable house got a puncture today. Now I'm living in a flat.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the truck' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road.... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fek would you say?'

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Mum forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!" Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

Waiter: Comfortable? Me: No..... Come for food.