ballpoint

My wife and I are finally sexually compatible. Now we both get a headache at the same time.

I had a right fright just now. I was in the bath reading a ghost story, next thing I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is?" " No son"

Haven't the North Koreans suffered enough?

The old "if I can't have it, no one can" gambit, much favoured by children, and those with the intellect of children.

Thanks to Putin's Ukraine invasion, we are now in a position to see what it would have been like had the internet existed in the late 1930s. Social media ablaze with the likes of Ford, Mosley, Lindbergh, and other NAZI sympathisers and their followers. All quoting Lord Haw Haw broadcasts and Viscount Rothermere articles as valid sources of their material. No matter how low the cause, how tyrannical the man, there will always be a group along to defend it and him.

I had my patience tested the other day. I’m negative.

In the light of the Einstein riddle posted previously, see who can pass this one...

I'm not saying I'm old, but... I went to an antique show and people started bidding on me. I can't go near the curb on bin day. I used to do nothing for an hour or so, but now it takes all day. Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller. My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, maybe even cursed or haunted. I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.

Some people are like clouds. Once they disappear it's a beautiful day.

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I thought the dryer was making my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

America's biggest export under Trump. Sold to the lowest bidder.

The UK has 4 Vanguard Class submarines, each with 16 missile tubes, though only 8 are loaded due to nuclear treaties. Each missile carries up to 8 warheads, and I'd imagine they are taking the full complement since the war started, so 64 warheads for Russia, with love. There is always one at sea at any one time. It stays away and submerged for 3 months before returning to base, when another goes out for its turn. They have a large area of the Atlantic they can be in, and only the captain and navigator know for sure where they are. No one on board knows where the missiles they are carrying are aimed at - though I suppose they can take a good guess. The captain has a letter from the PM in his safe, detailing what action he should take in the event of a sudden nuclear strike killing the PM and the designated second person able to order an attack. It was revealed once that should the BBC World Service fail to be transmitted for longer than a certain period, that would be one of the signs the captain should use as the signal to open the letter. (This is largely off topic, but relevant in the case where Russia uses it's hypersonic missiles, or detonates a bomb already placed somewhere in London - as speculated previously. Even following the sudden total destruction of London, the submarine is still a major threat to multiple Russian cities).