ballpoint

A number of years ago I delivered a load of car parts to the South African president's house. He looked at the invoice and said 'nah mate, you want Nissan main dealer'

If you're walking down the street one night and you see a big guy who has beaten you up in the past coming towards you, and you look over the street and see another big guy, with a group of others walking with him, you don't have to be a chicken to cross the road and join their group for your own safety. Especially when, not only has that group offered you no harm in the past, but has actually supported you. Sure, big guy number one might not feel like beating you up again that night, but why take the chance? These "political commentators" who treat the whole thing as a school sports day, with the two captains choosing their teams, and you have to join one of them once chosen, are just peddling their own sick agendas. "No, you can't join Team A, because Team B picked you, and Team B's captain can give you a thrashing if you don't stick with him". Pathetic nonsense. These are independent countries we're talking about, who are free to ally themselves with whomever they choose.

Breaking News: Last night, a man fell into a printing press. He was all over one of the papers this morning.

If Putin did decide to launch a tactical nuclear weapon, would the launch instruction be acted upon - there are at least two occasions when individual Soviet citizens either flatly refused to carry out a launch (from a submarine during the Cuban missile crisis - Vasili Arkhipov) or refused to pass on data from a faulty early warning site that incorrectly showed five US missile launches following the Soviet Union's shooting down of Korean Airlines flight 007 - Stanislav Petrov), so let's hope there are still Russians with a conscious in the chain of command. But, if the launch order was obeyed, then much would depend on the type of warhead chosen. A low yield device would cause a lot of damage in one area, (an approximately 560m radius for a 30kT payload), but the life of the fallout would be limited - after all, Hiroshima (~15kT) was more or less back to normal by 1947. One with augmented radioactive material, specifically designed to produce higher levels of radiation would be a different story, but even so, would be limited mainly to those closer to the blast, which is small consolation to them, but nowhere near the level of a strategic nuclear missile hit. It wouldn't really achieve much, other than the shock (in terms of awe and anger, rather than blast) value, and many analysts have said that it wouldn't result in any really significant military gain. The electromagnetic pulse (EMP) could very well be more devasting than the blast and radiation, wiping out unprotected electronics up to an approximately 8km radius, but again, the effect would depend on where it was targeted. Therefore, what would Putin's warped reasoning be for carrying out a launch? To show that he's mad enough to do so, in the hope that everyone else will back down? To provoke a reaction? (Which would be akin to an act of murder-suicide). If NATO retaliated by hitting Russia with conventional weapons then what's to stop him launching more nukes, even escalating to strategic ones aimed at NATO countries? At the moment he seems to be chest beating and cage rattling, so hopefully that's all he has. Sure, he may very well be terminally ill, and in the early stages of dementia, so has nothing to lose, but he has also specifically said that he wants to leave a legacy, like that of Peter the Great, and surely even he can see that if no one is left alive then there will be no one to build a statue to him - not that the chances of a statue are very high no matter what happens, unless it's a wax work in the museum of most evil men in history. One can only hope that if he is mad enough to order a nuclear strike, no matter how low the yield, someone is courageous enough to stop it, and someone is courageous enough to stop him. Permanently. Washington State Department of Health – Office of Radiation Protection - Nuclear Weapon Detonation Fact Sheet Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) Following a Nuclear Detonation - Radiation Emergency Medical Management (hhs.gov)

If JFK were alive today he'd be 105, so probably would be a Republican.

Never been asked for ID using an Amex credit card in any shop, restaurant or hotel in Thailand.

Yep, the thousands of Russians who have fled to Thailand will tell you that no one's trying to escape the draft.

I'm looking for someone to brush their teeth with me. I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.

Still not bragging, but I finished my 14 day diet in just 4 hours and 15 minutes.

Don't want to brag, but I just won the national "Snotty Nose" award yet again. That's 3 years running now!

I'm learning to play the cello and have been practising on the beach. I only know 2 notes so far, but for some reason it freaks everyone out.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my Grandad used to say. Loved the man. Hated his coffee

In these tough times, I've been trying to earn a small income using my lathe to make religious figures out of wood. It's not going well so far. I still haven’t managed to turn a prophet.

I went Bobsleighing today... Killed six Bobs.

I'm not being paranoid, but there are 5 Peruvian owls sitting on my fence, watching me through the kitchen window! I'm sure they're Inca hoots.

"If you don’t know the exact moment when the lights will go out, you might as well read until they do.” - Clive James.

The Dirtski Thirtski

The bigger decision for his closest fans is if they want to lie in a courthouse with him.

I just went to the electrical shop and the assistants ignored me. Finally I shouted "would someone please sell me a kettle?" One bloke came over and said "Kenwood?" "Would he?" I asked, " Well, where is he then?"