ballpoint

I went to a night club last night... I said: "Do you do a 60s night?" The manager said: "We used to." I said: "When?" He said, "In the 60s."

Chatting to a guy at work, he happened to slip that I was known as the office computer amongst the other employees. "That must be due to my high intelligence and fast operating speed", I said. "No" he said, "You go to sleep if left alone for more than 15 minutes"

Stephen has just won second place in a Fidel Castro lookalike contest. Close, but no cigar....

I've just won the 'Most secretive person 2022' award. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

As I went to the bus stop, I saw a heavily pregnant woman there. "When's it due?" I asked. "Two weeks," she replied, with a lovely smile on her face. "Well I might as well walk then..." I said

I don't mean to brag, but I have sychic power. For example, I know what all of you are thinking right now, "it's spelled psychic you idiot."

Yesterday my wife asked me what size dress she should order online. I suggested a 'Mark F'. When she asked what that was I replied 'Its one up from a Mark E' I've just woken up in hospital. The food's not too bad, though I have to suck it through a straw.

Maybe he's trying to find intelligent life on either of them. He's wasting his time if he is.

He'd say "The bottle is half as big as it needs to be".

The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight. Just waiting for the kettle to boil.

I was playing Scrabble with Midge Ure and had 4 tiles left, but they meant nothing to me. o.v.n.r.

The water is so hard where we live, the plumbers have to go round in pairs.

The optimist says: “The glass is half full.” The pessimist says: “The glass is half empty.” The engineer says: “The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”

Three engineers were riding in a car, went down a hill, and crashed. The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the brakes. Let me check 'em out." The electrical engineer said, "I think it was something in the electrical system. Let me check it out." The software engineer said, "Let's push it back up the hill and run it again."

If only they could arrange a cease fire and some peace negotiations, so that they could build up their forces while sitting around a table arguing from a position of weakness, before suddenly attacking again. Surely there is at least one stooge in the West who would support this and offer to mediate it? "Trump is offering to 'head up' a group to negotiate peace between Russia and Ukraine" Trump Offers to Lead Group to Mediate Peace With Russia (businessinsider.com)

Sour grapes? The Russians are sending out Iranian supplied suicide drones, including at least one targeting Zelensky's home town, where it hit a school. "In southern Ukraine, Zelensky's hometown of Krivyi Rih came under Russian attack by a suicide drone that destroyed two stories of a school early Sunday (Kyiv time), the regional governor said. The Ukrainian air force said it shot down five Iranian-made drones, while two others made it through air defences". Russian suicide drone attacks school in Zelensky's hometown (1news.co.nz)