ballpoint

I'm not saying I'm old, but... I went to an antique show and people started bidding on me. I can't go near the curb on bin day. I used to do nothing for an hour or so, but now it takes all day. Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller. My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, maybe even cursed or haunted. I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.

Some people are like clouds. Once they disappear it's a beautiful day.

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I thought the dryer was making my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

America's biggest export under Trump. Sold to the lowest bidder.

The UK has 4 Vanguard Class submarines, each with 16 missile tubes, though only 8 are loaded due to nuclear treaties. Each missile carries up to 8 warheads, and I'd imagine they are taking the full complement since the war started, so 64 warheads for Russia, with love. There is always one at sea at any one time. It stays away and submerged for 3 months before returning to base, when another goes out for its turn. They have a large area of the Atlantic they can be in, and only the captain and navigator know for sure where they are. No one on board knows where the missiles they are carrying are aimed at - though I suppose they can take a good guess. The captain has a letter from the PM in his safe, detailing what action he should take in the event of a sudden nuclear strike killing the PM and the designated second person able to order an attack. It was revealed once that should the BBC World Service fail to be transmitted for longer than a certain period, that would be one of the signs the captain should use as the signal to open the letter. (This is largely off topic, but relevant in the case where Russia uses it's hypersonic missiles, or detonates a bomb already placed somewhere in London - as speculated previously. Even following the sudden total destruction of London, the submarine is still a major threat to multiple Russian cities).

Looking at reports coming out of Moscow, and the Russian embassy in London, it seems that Putin was genuinely upset not to receive an invitation to the Queen's funeral, and I believe that it wasn't just purely coincidental that he made this statement following it. To me, this sums up not just his whole state of mind (or lack of it), but the almost surreal approach to the war - whereby Russia is "allowed" to mindlessly bomb and terrorise any civilian target it wants to in Ukraine, yet nobody is allowed to touch a piece of Russian soil for fear of upsetting this deranged despot, who also happens to have a few thousand nuclear warheads at his control. He thinks the world should go on, and Russia and he should be treated, just like normal. The man truly has serious mental issues. While it would never have done for the UK to invite him - which would legitimise his terrorist, atrocious regime while providing a huge bit of PR for him, (rather akin to inviting a sworn enemy of ones country for a shared holiday, and mutual love-in, in Singapore), in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder what would have happened had they done so? Would he have been mad enough to accept? And if so, would someone have nabbed him following the funeral?

So, going by much of what Trump has said about this... Trump claims that the documents he wanted to read, so declassified just by thinking about it (or maybe he just thought they were declassified), were planted by the FBI after they removed them from cartons in his office. In other words, the FBI acted as a courier service, bringing the documents - in August 2022 - that he explicitly wanted to read, and so declassified - in 2020, to Mar-a-Lago, and spread them around his office for his convenience. Shows amazing prescience by the FBI to plant - sorry, deliver - exactly those documents he had previously declassified. But I'll buy it. Now, anyone got a bridge for sale?

He's far right in the head.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for about three years now and I’ve started to have erection difficulties. We’ve got different ideas about what the problem is. She bought me some Viagra. And I’ve bought her a treadmill ...