ballpoint

I just sold a lawnmower on Facebook marketplace. That's the last time my neighbour will wake me up early on a Saturday morning.

The problem is, even when his fans know he's lying, they'll still support him. Bob Woodward tells how he asked 20 - 25 Midlands, Texas, Republican voters if they believed that the 2020 election was stolen - none of them did. He then asked them if, given the chance, they'd vote for Trump again - all of them indicated they would.

The Earth is actually moving away from the sun, by about 15cm per year, due to the sun losing mass - and therefore gravitational force, as it burns through its fuel. In around 5 billion years, the sun will begin to collapse due to the loss of too much hydrogen (the fusion reaction is responsible for maintaining a star's size, preventing it from collapsing due to gravity), causing its helium nucleus to compress to a super dense mass, which will rapidly rise in temperature, ignite the remaining hydrogen, and cause it to expand to engulf Mercury, Venus, and probably the Earth as well, becoming a red giant in the process. So yes, the Earth will likely be swallowed by the sun, but not because it is slowly falling into it, but because it will greatly expand. Keith Richards is already making plans to evacuate shortly before this happens.

An Elderly newly married couple are getting ready for their first time in bed together. She says " I must warn you, I have acute angina". He replies " I hope so, because your t*ts are rubbish".

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship. "What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly. "I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win." His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker." "No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and rotate your top hand over a little more...."

These 3 construction workers – an Aussie, an Irishman and an American – are about to have lunch while sitting on the 40th floor of a construction site. The Aussie opens his lunch box and sees a vegemite sandwich. He groans and says, “You know what, if my wife makes me another vegemite sandwich I’m going to jump off this damn building.” The American then opens his lunch box to find a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He says to the other two guys, “You know what, if my wife makes me another peanut and jelly sandwich I’m jumping off too.” The Irishman then opens his lunch box and sees a ham sandwich. He in turn says to the other two, “If I get another ham sandwich I’m jumping as well.” The next day at lunch the Aussie opens his lunch box to discover another vegemite sandwich so, true to his word, he jumps. The American opens his lunch box too and sees another peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so he also jumps off. The Irishman then opens his lunch box and finds another ham sandwich. So he also jumps too. The funeral is a week later and all their wives are gathered together in a circle crying. The wife of the Aussie says “Why, oh why, did I only make him vegemite sandwiches? I could have changed it at least once and he’d still be here.” The American wife says “I should have made a different sandwich and not forced him to have the same one every day.” The wife of the Irishman stands back in confusion, looks at the other two women and says, “I don’t understand it – he always made his own lunch.”

An old guy is leaning on his front garden gate and notices a small boy coming down the street dragging a piece of string behind him. When the boy gets close the guy asks "Why are you dragging that string behind you?" The boy replies "have you ever tried pushing one?"

Simon's first day in his new job at the Zoo. The supervisor says "Ok, start off by sweeping out the aquarium block and then the other enclosures, but be careful". Simon gets a broom and off he goes. Whilst sweeping out the aquarium he accidently knocks a fish tank off a table and it shatters into a million pieces. Panicking he collects all the fish into a bucket, mops up the water, and throws all the other debris into the dumpster. He takes the bucket of fish and chucks it into the lions cage. Next, whilst cleaning out the chimpanzees cage, he lets them escape. He chases them into the lions enclosure, no problem. Then, whilst sweeping around by the ice cream stall he disturbs a bee hive and as the bees swarm out he batters them with his broom and collects the dead corpses in his bucket. Again, he disposes of the mess by chucking the squashed bees into the lions cage. Next day a new lion is introduced into the lion enclosure. "What's the food like here?" He asks the other lions. "It's really good", they reply. "Yesterday we had fish and chimps with mushy bees".