ballpoint

I was driving down the road this morning and saw my ex wife walking along. It’s funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a fox? A fox.

The FBI convinced a federal judge that there was sufficient reason to seize former Trump lawyer John Eastman's phone. They stopped him as he left a restaurant, searched him and took his phone after getting him to unlock it. On the same day, federal agents also raided the home of former Justice Department official Jeffrey Clark. Both warrants were issued by the Inspector General of the Justice Department, who only has jurisdiction over the Justice Department - which Eastman has no connection to, so it appears they are looking into collusion between him and Clark. The plot thickens...

The Charlie Daniels Band have put out a sequel to their hit single "The devil went down to Georgia". The pope went down to Alabama:

Yeah, the sooner they let Hitler take the Sudetenland, the better it was for everyone.

What are they going to do? Conscript everyone and throw coins at the Ukrainians? They're running low on officers, non-conscripted soldiers, tanks and ammunition.

Quite right. How dare people jump the queue by aborting their children before they're born. They should wait until they're of school age, so they can get shot by some gun toting idiot like normal American children do.

The baby was so ugly the doctor slapped the mother. When they were being discharged he told her to hang a pork chop around the baby's neck. When she asked how that would help, the doctor said "well, at least the dog will play with him".

During a golf game a guy with a terrible slice angrily turns to his caddie and says "every time I tee off you look at your watch, is there somewhere you have to get to?" With a grin, the Caddie replies "it's not a watch, it's a compass".

Engineering class, first lesson. The teacher asks "so who knows what a Ball Race is?" Little Johnny replies "a tom cat with 5 yards start on the Vet".

They must be cutting costs. That's the same dog they used in the remake of "Old Yeller"

A small boy gets lost in a shopping mall so goes over to a security guard and, with tears in his eyes, says "I lost my Grandpa". The guard says "don't worry son, we'll find him for you. What's his name?" "Grandpa", the boy says. "Ok", says the guard. "What's he Like?" The boy thinks for a minute and replies "single malt Scotch and women with big boobs".

A guy goes to see his doctor and tells him that when he goes to the toilet for a Number 2 it comes out like spaghetti. "Ok", says the doctor, "take off your shirt and drop your pants and I'll take a look. Ah! I'll soon fix the problem". He goes over to a shiny box and when he raises the lid steam drifts out. With a gloved hand he removes a large pair of scissors and approaches the terrified looking patient who asks "what the heck are you going to do with those? Will it hurt?" "No", says the doctor, "I'm just going to trim six inches off the hem of your string vest".

Paddy and Mary win a first class ocean cruise in Farmers Weekly. On the first morning at breakfast they're seated at the same table as an English couple and an American couple. The English guy gazes at his wife and says "please pass me the sugar, Sugar". A little while later the American guy turns to his wife and says "please pass me the honey, Honey". "I'll show them I'm no bumpkin", thinks Paddy. So he turns to Mary and says "please pass me the bacon, Pig".