ballpoint

Put it in simpler terms: Hands up all countries who want to join NATO... Hands up all countries who want to join Russia...

Time for the Supreme Court to be aborted long before its term ends. No need to argue whether it's sufficiently developed to be classed as human or intelligent yet, it's clearly neither.

A guy arrive home and announces to his wife "honey I bought a condominium". His wife replies "thank goodness. Now I can stop using that diagram!"

A blonde couple, guy and his girl, go into a bar and order tequila shots. They down them, give each other a high five and exclaim "six weeks!" They order another round of shots, down them,repeating the high fives and the "six weeks!" The bartender says "you are obviously celebrating. Are you off on a six week holiday?" "No", says the guy, "we bought a jigsaw puzzle at a car boot sale. On the box it said 2 to 3 Years, but we did it in six weeks!"

Tom is sitting in the lounge when he hears a frantic call for help from his wife in the bathroom. He rushes over and asks "what's the problem is?" She replies "I got my toe stuck in the tap". Tom reaches over and it is jammed in there. He pulls the plug and lets out all the water but that doesn't help. Not wanting to hurt the love of his life he calls the local emergency plumber who says he will be right over. His wife with teary eyes says "darling he can't see me like this". So Tom grabs the bath towel and drapes it across his wife's ample bosom. His wife says "thank you, but what about the area lower down?" Tom thinks for a moment and rushes to the hat stand and comes back with a bowler hat which he gently places over the area. The plumber arrives and after a quick look over the situation announces "I will have your wife's toe out of there in a jiffy, but Charlie Chaplin might take a little while longer."

A friend of mine loves beef tongue for breakfast, but I could never eat anything that came from a cows mouth. It's scrambled eggs for me.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the prairie when suddenly Tonto reins in his horse, slips from its back and lies on the floor. The Lone Ranger asks "what is it Tonto?" "Buffalo come", replies Tonto. "Oh", says the Lone Ranger "can you feel the vibrations of their hooves?" "No", says Tonto, "ear stuck to ground!"

A guy wakes up in the recovery room at the hospital to find the surgeon waiting at his bedside. The surgeon asks "well how are you feeling?" The patient replies "I have a bit of pain where my appendix was removed but I also have a dull ache in my Groin area". "Well. yes about that. You were on the table and the anaesthetist was busy putting you to sleep. I turned to the young new assistant surgeon and said I am off to get gowned up, whilst I am gone please remove his Spectacles. He must have a hearing problem".

On March 7 1876 Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. It was useless until March 8 when he invented the second one. He then phoned the second one from the first one and it was engaged. When he got through he said to his assistant " Watson come here ". Watson replied " I can't I am on the Phone ".

These puns seam to be following a pattern.

No need to needle

Still singing in tune with Putin. Trump: "These hearings are having no effect and will backfire on those holding them. Make them stop, make them stop!" Putin: "These sanctions are having no effect and will backfire on those enforcing them. Make them stop, make them stop!"