ballpoint

The Teacher was telling her School Kids about the - “Birds and the Bees”, And she was explaining, what happens when a Man and a Woman meet and fall in Love, “Then Children. Nine Months later, the Stork usually brings them a Little Baby, from it’s very own, Soft, Feathery, Nest". . . ?!? Little Johnny at the Back of the Class put his Hand Up and asks the Teacher, "Hey Miss, are you sure about the Stork Bit, I think you're getting your Birds Mixed Up”..?!?!? ”Cos my Big Sister, just got a Little Baby”, “And she said, she got it from a sh@g in Scarborough”.

I'm getting a promotion and huge pay rise at the Military Camouflage Laboratory I work at, because I've finally perfected the invisibility suit. Well they think I have, I've just not turned up for six weeks.

As I walked into the park at 7am, I saw a man had been trapped under a fallen tree. He saw me and shouted “Get Help!”. “**** Off!” I replied as I took another swig from my bottle of vodka. “I can quit anytime I want!”.

I went to a psychiatrist and said: ‘Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you help me?’ The psychiatrist said: ‘No, but I can refer to a premature ejaculation support group." I asked about the dress code and the psychiatrist said "Most guys just come in their pants."

I was on a ladder putting a cinema poster up when a lady asked "Is King Kong Coming?" I said "No, it’s just the paste off my brush."

Too right, cookie boy.

The HMRC decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the HMRC office for an interview. The HMRC inspector was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor. The inspector said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the HMRC finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The inspector thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.” The inspector thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The inspector’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.” The inspector can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned inspector now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The inspector, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the inspector’s desk. The inspector leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the inspector asks. “Not really,” says the solicitor. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned to an interview for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Funny how, to these people, the second amendment is an iron clad, never to be revoked, fundamental part of the constitution, and how dare you question it! Yet the separation of church and state enshrined in the first amendment, and also the Bill of Rights, is some fuzzy guideline to be trodden underfoot when it suits their own religious beliefs. (Funny too this should be about the 10 commandments, when you look at who starred in the movie of the same name, and his role later in life.)

Seeing as we all need to do our bit for the planet. I’ve just unplugged a row of electric cars no one was using

Last night I got a flat tyre. I eased my vehicle over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out, and opened the boot. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. As I expected, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a police car pulls up behind me. The officer gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?" "My car has a flat tyre", I said calmly. "Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......... "Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"