ballpoint

I wasn't planning on getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

He must have known my great, great, whatever, uncle Barney.

In 10 years you will put your coat on and find a mask in one of your pockets. You will think "What a sh***y time that was", and will laugh in silence. Then you'll take your armour and a machete and go out to kill zombies like every other day ...

Hello and welcome to the Psychiatric Health Assistance hotline. Please listen carefully to the following options: If you are Obsessive Compulsive , press 1 repeatedly. If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 or 6. If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are Delusional, press 7, and you call will be transferred to the Mothership. If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696. If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmothers' maiden names. If you have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have Short Term Memory Loss, please try calling again later. If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you. If you have Short Term Memory Loss, please try calling again later.

Please respect people who wear spectacles. Remember, they paid money to see you.

Reminded me of when Top Gear made adverts for VW Sciroccos...

When you're in such a hurry to get to Walmart that you don't have time to look for your bra.