ballpoint

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated there, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

A jumbo jet was filled with passengers who were waiting for the pilot to arrive so they could take off. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit along the aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both are wearing dark sunglasses. At first, the passengers don’t react – thinking it must be some sort of practical joke. But after a few minutes, the engines start and the plane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering amongst themselves and look desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance. The plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway they become more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than 50 feet of runway left, the shouts intensify and everyone on board begins screaming at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re not going to know when to take off!”

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone. She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Carol. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting." "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss." "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" She went on and on, still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Carol, hang up the phone and come back to bed." Carol doesn't use her cell phone in public any more.

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

A farmer drove to a neighbour’s house and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself. The young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $200 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

"To be is to do." --Socrates "To do is to be." --Spinoza "Do be do be do." --Sinatra

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.” The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

A preacher is working on his sermon for Sunday morning. His wife asks what he will preach about. He said "waterskiing, and being a Christian." Wife said "You don't have any business preaching about that. You've only tried it twice and couldn't get up." But he promised he could do it. Sunday morning the wife was sick, so didn't attend church. The preacher, on the pulpit looking at the congregation, realized his wife was right, he shouldn't preach that sermon. So he ad libbed a sermon he had done before about sex and being a Christian. He got through the sermon with no problem. Monday morning at the doctor's office the wife sees a church lady who said "You missed the finest sermon your husband ever preached!" Wife shook her head and said "I don't understand. He's only tried twice. He couldn't get up, and fell off both times." The church lady fainted.

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. “Fred,” the man replies. “Fred what?” the officer asks. “Just Fred,” the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but he still presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?” The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred.

A retired older couple return to a Jaguar dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and tight sweater. "I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £35,000 asking price", said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for £29,000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could was no way you could discount this model." "Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that <deleted> to lower the price. See you later, Dad."

I'm suing my local fish shop for selling undersized shellfish. I'm taking him to the small clams court!

Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless. The two men look at each other and shrug. They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger. As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless. The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down the road. After a few minutes, Mick, who's walking along the inside, turns to his companion and says: "You know what Shamus, I be thinkin' dat maybe you should be carryin' dat dere scythe on yer other shoulder".

The Russians were massed below a hill, from which they saw a sole Ukrainian soldier pop his head up from time to time, giving them the middle finger then disappearing. They sent 10 men to take the hill, none returned. The Ukrainian appeared the next day doing a little dance and sticking his middle finger, which infuriated the Russians, so they sent 20 men. They didn’t come back. Next day, the Ukrainian soldier did his little dance and stuck up both middle fingers. Utterly infuriated, the Russian General ordered 1000 men to assault the hill. A huge battle ensued, smoke and munitions all over the place. Out of the smoke crawled a lone Russian soldier, barely alive. He got to the General and said “it’s a trap…. .it’s not a single Ukrainian soldier… ….there’s two of them!"

A man who installed kitchen worktops for a living was jailed. Police say he was charged with counter fitting.

The missus was in an accident. The doctor said, "Your wife is on life support. She's very critical". I replied, "Oh, so she's still talking then."

I went round the neighbours last night. Had a lovely meal, 3 bottles of red wine and a big cigar. They’ll go mad when they get back from their holiday.

Did you know that Ikea now sells suppositories? Trouble is, you have to put them up yourself.

I read that taking your bike to work is good for the environment. So I thought why not? I'm not using that roof rack for anything else.

Three years ago I sponsored a Panda through WWF. What a rip off. I haven't seen it wrestle once!