ballpoint

Weeks ago my mate got arrested by airport police for getting abusive about the luggage delays. He's still waiting for his case to come up.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?

I just lost my Job at the Elvis Presley snow globe factory. I'm all shook up.

A woman in labour suddenly shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry", said the doctor, "those are just contractions.”

When I was a boy the other kids would grab me, cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head . Life was tough growing up in the gateau.

I asked the stewardess "What height are we flying at?". She replied: "36,000 ft or maybe 33,000 ft, what does it matter, you idiot?" She definitely had an altitude problem.

I just got my exam results back. I passed paintballing with flying colours. For honey making, I got a B. And in oceanography I got a C. I'm proudest of my result in finding erotic spots though, where I got a G.

I put my hand out to stop a bus today, but it just kept going. As I went under the wheels, I realised it only works for Superman.

I was feeling lonely so I started a small business. It's nice to have a little company.

I fell asleep the other night at a friend's party and woke up to find that my friends had stuck a tea bag in my mouth. I was livid. Nobody makes a mug out of me!

Lady goes into a pet shop and sees a beautiful parrot in a cage. “What a beautiful bird,” she exclaims, “How much is it?” “ Twenty quid” replies the shopkeeper, “ but I have to warn you, he’s got a bit of previous, hence the price. Grew up in a brothel so he’s seen a few things and his language can be a little fruity sometime.” Ignoring the warning, the lady pays £20 and takes the bird home. Once there she puts the bird in the living room, takes the cover off, and the bird has a good look around. “New place,” says the parrot. “Nice wallpaper, new furniture. Very nice”. Later that afternoon the lady’s daughters come home. The bird looks them up and down, “New place, new girls. Nice. Very nice”. That evening the lady’ s husband returns from work. “Hello Keith” says the bird.

Egyptians claim to have invented the guitar. I think they are lyres.