ballpoint

Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'mounted policeman'.

Johnathon Pie, doing what he does best and telling it like it is:

We stayed at this hotel recently. It was just your usual hotel, nothing fancy, as far as I could see. We had a nice enough room on the 14th floor, no complaints there. But, as it happened I had occasion to phone the Management. I said to the chap at the front desk " My wife and I are having an argument, and she is threatening to jump out of the window!" "I'm sorry sir, he replied, we class that complaint as a domestic issue, nothing to do with the Management." "That may be your policy, I retorted, but I think you've failed to grasp the severity of the situation. You need to send someone up because I can't get the window open!"

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. He is now just a pizza history.

I phoned Amazon Customer Services to complain about the obscene insult I get every time I log into their website. They explained that I was merely misreading the words 'Your Account'

Mixed metaphors really annoy me. It’s not rocket surgery, is it?

Meanwhile in India... No, I asked for a fluorescent light starter, not a fight starter!

I disagree! The quote is "load of fetid dingo's kidneys".

Bloody millennial witches. Texting while flying.

What's the difference between a Boeing airliner and a Jehovah's Witness? You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.

James Bond has been caught by the baddie and tied to a wall. "Do you expect me to talk?" "No, Mr Bond, this machine will throw Ninja stars at you. I expect you to be starred to death!" "Shurikenned, not starred."