fatter than harry

Classic!

The Empire strikes back!

Tuesday June 22 2004

Your FREE 'print out and keep' Survival Guide

It has come to our attention that England fans are copping a fair amount of abuse for their team's less-than-glorious record over the last few months.

Far be it for Planet Rugby to take sides on such matters, but - in the interests of fair play - we felt we should help the English as they struggle to keep the hoards of gloating Antipodeans and Celts at bay.

If you are a member England's army of devotees, all you they need to do is print off this FREE Survival Guide and keep it within arm's length at all times.

Should you then find yourself being harassed in the pub, simply whip it out and hit your assailants with a few of the handy facts - yes, FACTS - that are listed below.

For best results, we recommend that you lay it on really thick.

PLAN OF ATTACK ONE - RECENT RESULTS:

This section will ward off any slanderous anti-English mutterings that include words such as 'losers', 'try-less', 'feckless' or that brilliantly clever pun 'world chumps' (good effort on that one, guys).

All you have to do is deduce the nationality of the owner of the big mouth, locate the relevant group of results from the data below, and reel off a few choice scores.

ENGLAND v AUSTRALIA:

In 2003: England won 20-17 in Sydney (RWC)

In 2003: England won 25-14 in Melbourne

In 2002: England won 32-31 in London

In 2001: England won 21-15 in London

In 2000: England won 22-19 in London

ENGLAND v FRANCE:

In 2004: France won 21-24 in Paris

In 2003: England won 24-7 in Sydney (RWC)

In 2003: England won 45-14 in London

In 2003: France won 17-16 in Marseille

In 2003: England won 25-17 in London

ENGLAND v IRELAND:

In 2004: Ireland won 19-13 in London

In 2003: England won 42-6 in Dublin

In 2002: England won 45-11 in London

In 2001: Ireland won 20-14 in Dublin

In 2000: England won 50-18 in London

ENGLAND v NEW ZEALAND:

In 2004: New Zealand won 36-12 in Auckland

In 2004: New Zealand won 36-3 in Dunedin

In 2003: England won 15-13 in Wellington

In 2002: England won 31-28 in London

In 1999: New Zealand won 30-16 in London (RWC)

ENGLAND v SCOTLAND:

In 2004: England won 35-13 in Edinburgh

In 2003: England won 40-9 in London

In 2002: England won 29-3 in Edinburgh

In 2001: England won 43-3 in London

In 2000: Scotland won 19-13 in Edinburgh

ENGLAND v SOUTH AFRICA:

In 2003: England won 25-6 in Perth, Australia (RWC)

In 2002: England won 53-3 in London

In 2001: England won 29-9 in London

In 2000: England won 25-17 in London

In 2000: England won 27-22 in Bloemfontein

ENGLAND v WALES:

In 2004: England won 31-21 in London

In 2003: England won 28-17 in Brisbane (RWC)

In 2003: England won 43-9 in Cardiff

In 2003: England won 26-9 in Cardiff

In 2002: England won 50-10 in London

PLAN OF ATTACK TWO - FOUL PLAY:

A new weapon in the arsenal of England's miserable knockers is the lie that England are in some way 'dirty'. Huh?

Should the England team be accused of being thugs in your presence, take a leaf from those unflappable boys in white - don't rise to the bait.

Simply state that three red cards in the entire history of English rugby is hardly grounds to institutionalise an entire team. And besides, what's rugby without a little bite?

Feel free to use the data below to add weight to your argument that England are not as crooked as most, and not as girlie as others. In fact, they have it spot on - bless 'em.

Hopefully, your tormenter will be part of a group of French, Welsh and Fijian fans - if so, be ready to duck.

DISMISSALS IN MAJOR TESTS SINCE 1925:

9: France

6: Fiji

6: Wales

5: South Africa

4: Canada

3: Argentina

3: England

3: Italy

2: New Zealand

1: Australia

1: Ireland

1: Scotland

PLAN OF ATTACK THREE - UNAVAILABLE FOR DUTY:

Many of the accusations heaped at the feet of the rightful world champions involve those two meaningless tour games played in New Zealand recently. Pah.

The fact that England were forced to participate in those silly knock-abouts after enduring a gruelling 11-month season is definitely worth a mention - and pepper your musings with the names of a few absence English friends.

Here are just a few to get you started...

Jonny Wilkinson OBE

(52 caps, 817 points - IRB Player of the Year)*

Will Greenwood MBE

(52 caps, 150 pts)

Jason Robinson MBE

(33 caps, 95 pts)

Lewis Moody MBE

(24 caps, 30 pts)

Ben Kay MBE

(33 caps, 10 pts)

Phil Vickery MBE

(43 caps, 5 pts)

* You may, nay, will be told that Wilko is nothing more than a left boot - enlighten the moron in front of you to the fact that goal kicking is actually a legitimate form of scoring.

PLAN OF ATTACK FOUR - PICTORAL EVIDENCE:

If you are still finding it hard to make yourself heard above the foul din of your molester's self-congratulatory rubbish, simply point to the photo we've include at no additional cost.

It should become immediately obvious to your aggressor that the man holding the Webb Ellis Trophy is not from New Zealand or Australia.

Nor is he from South Africa or France.

Or Ireland or Wales or Scotland.

Or from any other country on God's good earth.

He's an Englishman. End of story!

Disclaimer: The use of this Survival Guide could lead to the loss of your teeth - please use with caution.

Excuses / Information formulated by Andy Jackson

So, can we make an arrangement whereby we could all be at a certain bar at a certain time in patong on Saturday night? I'd quite like to meet you folks, I'm surely going to sup up with wolfie for the game in the anchor.

I just need to know so that I can wash my dancing trousers.

Good evening to everybody,

Today I received a short PM from George, telling me, that my posting rights are restored, no further explication was given to me.

I like to say good-bye to you – You will not find me here again to comment about whatever topic. I do not like to attend discussions, while being subject to arbitrary censorship.

I like to ask all native English speakers on this forum, to show more understanding towards posters, whose native language is not English, and whose mentality is not the way how Americans speak out –

Please visit my homepage and sign my guestbook, send me an email, if you have any question or if there is something to tell me. My homepage and email can be found in my Thaivisa-profil (Yohan).

Thank you and have a good time,

Yohan, what did you expect? you have very unique views on many subjects but they always boiled down to women, fair enough, but anytime anyone criticised your opinions you trawled their personal info and posts and tried to make a fool of them, unacceptable.

Valid point about being non native english speaker and thinker but no excuses for your methods of rebuttal of other members and their opinions.

You say you do not like to "attend discussions, while being subject to arbitrary censorship." without knowing the reasons for your brief hietas I don't think you should be crying over censorship, I think you should have a look at yourself and how you handle yourself on forums, by the sounds of it this has happened to you on other forums in the past, can you see a pattern?

Many of us enjoyed your posts, many of us groaned at your single mindedness but you have to play the game, if you upset people with your opinions and they refute your claims you must learn to accept them and not launch your JohannXPI ver3000 detective droids into each disagreeable person's background, otherwise you turn the TVforum into the Johan responds forum, and that isn't fun for the rest of us.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't leave, but if you do thats ok too.

Cheers.

Scamp, go for it. Life is for living and whilst I respect the other comments from the more responsible posters and they are all giving you good advice it is your choice and it sounds like this girl intrigues you more than most of your errrr, other friends.

Lets face it, you basically wrote 'should I look both ways before crossing the road?'

Everyone will say "Yes man, jesuz, have you seen the traffic?!'

But once in a while everyone needs to make a mad sprint and take a chance, there are horrible pitfalls - if you'll pardon the pun, but you know all of those, right?

Like moves in mysterious ways.

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their

business behind a head stone.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her

panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a

rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky

enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves

and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "We'd

better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without

her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between

her asss that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget

you'."

Are you pommy bashing me Emuu? I thought the "then I don't feel half as derised as I thought I should have" comment might have given you a tip off.

Another version of the origins of Pommy:

Pommie - Slang for Brit. Although the origin of this word is unknown, it is reckoned to have come from the name of the first English immigrant Micheal Pommy, who went around Australia comparing everything he saw to what it was like in England. His remarks were then often met by the phrase "Then go sodding back to bloody England then, Pommy"

More in line with Beg's thread I think.

Where does this term come from? What does it mean?

I found this reference, but if it really comes from the word pomegranate then I don't feel half as derised as I thought I should have, anyone else have any ideas?

Origins: "Pommy" (or "pom" or "pommie") is a primarily Australian (and largely derisive) slang term used to indicate a recent immigrant from Great Britain, or a Brit in general. The origins of "pommy" having been lost in the mists of time, someone needed to cook up an etymology for it, preferably one equal to the pejorative sense of the word. Accordingly, we now have the story that criminals transported to Australia were designated "Prisoners of His Majesty" or "Prisoners of Mother England" (some versions claim the convicts bore one of these legends printed on the backs of their shirts), and thus the acronym "POHM" or "POME" eventually evolved into the slang term "pom" or "pommy."

This amusing anecdote is doubtful as anything more than a fanciful invention, as acronymic origins antedating the mid-twentieth century are automatically suspect, and the use of "pommy" has been recorded at least as far back as 1915. Moreover, nobody has yet turned up corroborating evidence that "Prisoner of His Majesty" or "Prisoners of Mother England" were actually common designations for criminals transported to Australia. The best guess at this time is that "pommy" was based on the word "pomegranate" -- either because the redness of the fruit supposedly matched the typically florid British complexion, or because (like "Johnny Grant") it was used as rhyming slang for "immigrant."

Remind me why anyone would want india?

Because Sweetest Mango lives there.

Come off it Wolfie, you don't work!

The game should be on around 2 - 3pm, I don't share your enthusiasm for another victory, the aussies were pretty good last week and if the ref's Welsh we're doomed - sorry mate!

I must say I have nothing but love and adoration for the British Embassy Consular service, I renewed my passport last year and they were helpful and efficient, my phonecalls were answered promptly and helpfully as well as a couple of replies to my emailed questions, god knows I was cringing at the thought of going through the Embassy grinder but I have to say it gets two thumbs, my highest mark.

I'll be easy to spot, i'll be the one verbally abusing the Aussie team on TV, probably sat at the bar, bottle of chang in hand 

Mate, that's a fair description of every pom come saturday - I'm up for it.

There appears to be some fringe benefits afterall to Peerless Bleeder's ownership of Air Asia / being Prime Minister.

Agree with George, for extra points you should hum the chourus to "It's a small world after all" repeatedly.

Last night I got rattarsed and woke up and pissed in the wardrobe. Luckily it was on her clothes and not mine. I have no recollection.

Not good you may say, but life is a tad dull when you never let off steam.

Good on you MB, I like your style! Life would indeed be dull without a little crazy.

fellas, I think your missing the point of the Big C travelator. With the right kind of shoes, the right wind speed and a lack of general public obstacles one can take a run and slide all the way down

[nose bleed]

Doh!

Quite right! back to the drawing board

Ok, I'm in.

Please note that on the rider I want a real live cow in my dressing room.

----------------------------

Riders - the list of requests provided by bands to venues of their backstage requirements - have long been the source of stories of rock and roll excess.

The riders can include anything - stage design, sound systems, and food and drink. But over the years they have also included snooker tables, washing machines, or the entire redevelopment of the stadium's dressing rooms.

"The bigger stadium bands are guilty of asking for some very ridiculous things," music journalist Julian Spears told BBC World Service's The Music Biz programme.

For example, the rock group Jane's Addiction, on their latest tour of America, asked for a room with an "earthy, velvet/velour-type atmosphere."

They also asked for washing machines and a room to jam in for two hours before going on stage - which had to have a "contemporary black leather atmosphere with potted indoor plants."

Pop icon Madonna once demanded - and got - her hotel room painted in a different colour.

Meanwhile one opera star - sadly anonymous - told her promoters that her dressing room was not big enough. Consequently a wall had to be knocked down and the room rebuilt.

With some stars, no is simply not an answer they want to hear.

"The bigger the star you are, the more you can have what you like," Mr Spears said.

US singer Christina Aguilera insists on different types of Flintstone sweets wherever she goes.

American group Korn, meanwhile, ask that a "rock-friendly" lawyer, doctor and dentist be present at all times.

Tales of rider excess range from extravagant to the bizarrely picky.

US rock band Limp Bizkit insist that all the lamps in their rooms be dimmable, while Mariah Carey insists on having bendy straws as she will not use straight ones.

And rockers Van Halen insist that back-stage celery is trimmed and not peeled.

Smaller bands can be demanding too. British band Mogwai once asked for a framed picture of Star Wars' Princess Leia.

Pop group The Polyphonic Spree ask for 200 bottles of water at the end of every performance - although given the size of the 23-strong group that may not be too outrageous a request.

Dance star Moby, meanwhile, is particularly keen on fresh underwear being available for the end of his sets. In fact, socks are very popular on riders for many acts at festivals - due in part to the conditions the bands are often playing in.

However, one band most famous for their use of socks - US rockers the Red Hot Chili Peppers - prefer a meditation room and a selection of aromatherapy candles.

Even those without such a rock star image can be demanding.

As well as demanding a plain dressing room - so his dedicated fan club can turn up and decorate it - American crooner Barry Manilow requests that the air temperature in the auditorium be kept at a regular 65 degrees.

Not all stars are so demanding, however.

US singer Beck, for example, contents himself with two packs of rice cakes, a container of hummus, bottles and cans of water, and some plain yoghurt.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/3133444.stm

Pah, I used to like Beck too!

hmmmmm, raising the dead......I think I can do it

Looooooook intoooooo the back of your eyyeeeeeelids

you are feeling veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery non sleeeeeeeeeepppyyyyyy

think of a haaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy plaaace.

Looooooooooooook around you and feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel the itchy wooooorms

Wake up ya lazy bugger!

when I count to three you will waaaaant to wake up and live aaaaaagaaaain

ooooooooone

twooooooooo

threeeeeeeee....

Any good?

Wow! It really worked!! I have superpowers!

Now watch me walk through this wall....

Also try soap and water, it worked for me, no more pesky spyware, in fact no more anything at all, except strong, coppery smelling fumes from the back of my PC.

She's still on the same plan, last time we discussed it she said Nakkon was the first step to world domination, both being fans of 'risk' we both agreed that world domiantion always starts in Astralasia.

Thread closed, not BG related.

//pretend Admin

Thats great wolfie!

I'm one step closer to becoming Dr. Patong

5,000 satung please.