Uncontrollable Thai child

[jgarbo]

Single mother, divorced (I guess, being a school teacher), no chance of re-marriage to a Thai. The child has lost her father, so the mother is even more important to her. Then you arrive, "stealing" the mother. Of course the child will be difficult. The mother knows this and gives her leeway. You don't because you're after the mother not the child. You may be in Thailand but you're still acting like a foreigner. Short answer: Go elsewhere for a woman.   

[realenglish1]

12 minutes ago, richard_smith237 said:

Agreed - The Car seat is a primary concern here as it is potentially life and death. 

 

To be honest I am unable to comprehend how an intelligent person managed to allow kids in your car without a car seat unless it was an unexpected one off with no alternatives. 

 

In its simplest terms - no car seat, no ride !... the children will adapt very quickly. 

He will fuss for the first couple of times but after he sees that it is not garnering attention he will accept the situation very fast

[gtm2k]

Most thai kids are over-pampered, there is only a rather smaller number of thai parents who enforce discipline at home with regards to everything. My nephew and niece were an over-pampered lot, until my sister in law agreed to hand them over to us for a couple of months. Between me and my wife, we had a rewards and penalty system, no hitting, no shouting, just simple rules to follow.

 

So if you plan on living together now/later, all you really need to do is setup rules - but i must add - you will be seen as the devil in the short term , and results will only start showing in the long run. 

 

In the interim i feel you should talk to your GF and tell the need of setting up rules for the kid. The kid really isnt at fault here, its your GF acting at will of the kid's smallest whim. 

 

 

 

[mikk3]

Hi

 

I tend to agree with Gulf Sailor (maybe others too but didn't read all replies)

 

If you don't take control it will drive you absolutely crazy which will ruin your relationship with the mother (your GF) - no if's, but's or maybe's, only time.

So you have nothing to lose as you will lose it anyway if you do nothing.

 

1. Your GF wont act so it is up to you
2. You need to act asap as the longer left the more it will fester (+ your stress levels will go further through the roof)
3. If your GF complains, politely explain that as "caring parents" you should be responsible enough to actually teach the kid something IE: values, manners, respect combined with love to give them the best possible chance of being a decent human being.
4. If your GF makes it obviously clear that you are not to disiplin the kid, then get rid of her as your stress levels will suffer for the rest of your life - do you really want to put yourself through hell for that?
5. You are in your own home (not that that part matters as to where you are) but a mans home is his castle.
6. If you do nothing, you will certainly regret it and only prolong the agony. 

[aussie11950]

Many different opinions here and thankfully none asking for a spanking.

You have a good chance to have a great family here.

I believe that the main problem is caused by not having boundaries.

The child has been allowed to manipulate the mother and is quite confident because of it.

What I would do is to set clear boundaries and be strong to maintain them.

But always show love.

If the child does something wrong, explain the problem then sit them in a punishment corner for 10 minutes, if she tries to leave, put her back and start the 10 minutes again but ignore their ranting and screaming.

After 10 minutes, explain again and ask do you understand ? then give her a big hug and tell her you love her.

You and your gf must be consistent together.

Good luck.

[Gandtee]

To the kid you are the interloper and most probably resents you sharing her mother's affections. So the prima donna behavior. 

[sead]

15 hours ago, Gulfsailor said:

When I met my girlfriend she had a 2yr old daughter living with her grandparents since 6 months. Nice and smart kid but spoilt rotten during that short time. Very similar to the kid in the OP's story. Anyway after 2 years of dating we decided to raise the kid. So a (by then) obnoxious 4yr old entered our lives. I had her (more or less) back to normal within a month. 

Rule no1: no = no. Never buckle or give in to tantrums, crying, screaming or whatever the kid tries. When you made your mind up, stick to it. It becomes easier very quickly. But give in once and you are back to square one. 

Rule no2: touch anything in the shop and we won't buy it. Period. No exception. If she wants something, she can ask, or during the first few months and not speaking English much yet, point. 

Rule no3: ignore bad behavior and reward good behavior. Only give attention when the kid is good. Never argue, fight or explain your decision until the kid is old enough to understand or debate at a certain level. 

Rule no4: Be around. A lot. Show that you are someone she can depend on. 

Totally agree. And to make it easier in the shops then give the kid 100thb every week for only sweets. That way she will soon manage what to buy or not. Made wonder to my kids. 

[MyFriend You]

• Different Country, but kids are kids  -  ex's 4 Yo daughter, totally addicted to candy, cakes,  Sugar Drinks etc etc so I picked up an empty pack of cigarettes and would show the horror pictures on it to her kid and tell her in (language)  that her mouth will look like this if she eats any more of this.  Terrorized the girl, alienated my ex, said I was cruel, didn't last long in that relationship.
• First thing is, you have to accept is she is not your kid, will never be your kid when it comes to discipline, lived thru that for 8 years in a previous marraige - finally it was my ex's kid that shut the mother up about that.  He really liked me.   
• No surprise she doesn't want "YOU" sitting next to "HER" mother, would be the same if roles were reversed, e.g., if she was your kid.   
• We could preach all day, but until the Mom accepts YOU as a father figure for her daughter, this will fail, you will crash & burn.
• Sorry just having been there, wouldn;t want to be in your shoes, its not easy.

[ToddinChonburi]

Welcome to dating women with  kids.  This is a problem all over the world.  You csn try to work with her but in this culture there is not much help.  They seem to think stupid kids are funny.  Very sad but I bet you she doesn't do this in school.

[connda]

You nailed it in your first paragraph: the child is given no boundaries.  And that seems to be the norm here in Thailand.  Children need boundaries and to understand the consequences for breaking boundaries.  This is nothing but training children for adulthood when you finally have to exert self-control. Ever wonder why so many Thais completely lose their self-control?  What was that recent video of a guy that chased a women and started jumping on her car and kicking her windows because her honked her horn at his car?  His punishment?  A wai and a 500 THB fine?  Nice boundary.  That will nip that behavior in the bud, 'eh?  It seems the inability to set rationale boundaries is a bit of a cultural oddity that manifests itself right into the legal infrastructure of Thai governance. 
So the lack of boundaries start in childhood, and continue right into adulthood.  At some point in childhood Thai social mores are imposed on most kids that they must stuff their outward emotions.  But when that thin veneer is broken, what come out to greet the world is very ugly and dangerous. 
And it's not just Thailand.  It seems to be a generational thing now too.  I set boundaries for my daughter, and she was a wild, wild child.  Her alcohol and drug addicted mother who I divorced when my daughter was 2 (and the State in all it's stupidity granted my wife custody) let her run unimpeded until I gained custody of her at 11.  Then it took me 6 years to try to help her understand that people function within boundaries of discipline and love and self-control.  It was a tough 6 years, but by 18 her was a smart, worldly, adult and a really wonderful kid. Barely functional in school at 11; straight A's her last term in High School.  I'm still proud of her. 
So, perhaps you need to set boundaries for mom in order to set boundaries for the child.  Or leave.  Kids that run wild do not become functional, responsible adults without a lot of work, care, love, and above all  - boundaries!

Edited October 9, 2017 by connda

[Been there done that]

The OP seems to run into many disasters in his time here. Best he stays single and focusses on raising his own child.

[Riojasue]

I think the clue to your problem is in the title “Uncontrollable Thai child”. Actually she is controllable but the will to control her has to come from someone and it worries me that it’s not her mother so far. The child isn’t really the problem as she’s just reacting in a way she’s always been allowed to. Just nobody around her has set any parameters for her behaviour. She’s probably desperately unhappy and it’s not with having you in her life but because so far no one has loved her enough to set acceptable boundaries.

I was widowed young and my husband became a step father to my daughter when she was 9 years old. At first he mostly left the disciple to me, but I had already insisted on basic manners and behaviour. So if your GF doesn’t see the need to discipline her I think you’re always going to struggle. At the minimum you should expect to make decisions in your own home and in the car. Allowing a 4 year old to set your agenda just isn’t acceptable. Please value yourself and quietly insist on a few things that are non negotiable. If your GF finds that unacceptable then maybe you need to re-evaluate whether this is worth all the stress and angst.
I really wish you well and hope it all works out.


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[gtm2k]

3 minutes ago, Been there done that said:

The OP seems to run into many disasters in his time here. Best he stays single and focusses on raising his own child.

best comment in the entire thread

[Kenny202]

9 hours ago, BEVUP said:

Lets sum this up a little bit since OP has given further info

It would be interesting to know your ages (well it looks to me your retired )

& now I also read you have a 18 mth old child from a previous relationship (which you stated will not grow up to be like the G/F daughter ) - So is there a different set of rules between the 2 ? If your willing to take it on why should there be

? so has G/F stopped working to take on the full time caring of both children & if so is she to provide the same rules 

 

 

 

No there wont be 2 sets of rules. Was one of my reasons for telling her I was done last week. I told her I didn't want my child to grow up that way or as you say two sets of rules. It doesn't work.

No, I am perfectly capable of taking care of my child, she is more than willing to help out though. I don't want a housemaid. She is still working

[bazza73]

Set the boundaries, and stick to them. For mother AND child. Otherwise, they'll walk all over you. Walk out if they won't cooperate - life is too short.

 

[hawker9000]

It's a package deal.  Best advice is to say your goodbyes and find the door.   

[shanesox]

Amazing how some will get hooked up the Mother and kid, a product of some Thai male,and then willing to have some responsibility for it! Jeez


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[Kenny202]

3 minutes ago, shanesox said:

Amazing how some will get hooked up the Mother and kid, a product of some Thai male,and then willing to have some responsibility for it! Jeez


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As stated before I have an 18 mo child and he adores the girl. Ideally I'd like him to grow up with a real family. And I like family life too. If I was single I'd probably have a whole different outlook.

 

Im not that needy that I think she is the only girl in Thailand, or that I wouldn't find another. It's just that I really like this particular girl and I like her daughter too. Her folks are dead so there's no family to support or money issues. The daughter is a good kid really. The mothers handling of her, while good intentioned is the problem.

 

Yep I could go and find another girl...even me with a kid they're queuing up to get their hands on a little farang / thai baby. But there are so many with issues here hard to find a good lady. None of them will be perfect and nor am I for that matter. I'll work with it for the moment. I'd like a future with her but she hasn't moved in. I'll roll with it for a while, do my best and see what happens. Let nature take its course

[FritsSikkink]

The kid isn't the problem , it is lousy parenting. Kids need to be taught the boundaries. Don try to be gentle, be a parent and teach them, if the don't listen it has consequences.

No need to hit them but take away privileges. If she wants to look at a TV program and misbehaves, turn of the TV. Don't give them to much sugar. When they do listen reward them. She will find out soon enough that it is better to behave than riot.

[Denim]

On 10/9/2017 at 10:36 AM, JayBird said:

Is it legal or acceptable in Thailand to strike or spank a child?

 

Or just not feed it?

 

I think the Thai way is to drop it off at a temple and do a runner.

 

The old saying ' spare the rod, spoil the child ' has a lot of merit.

Unfortunately in these politically correct times it is taken to mean you want to set about the child with the first bit of rebar that comes to mind.

 

Of course , it does not mean that at all. It just means that a child has to learn to be respectful and since it is impossible to reason with kids of 5 or under this sometimes means the ' laying on of hands ' .

 

I had three occasions to slap my step daughter on the leg when she had crossed the line in a big way. Every time I felt absolutely terrible about it and suffered remorse. But it worked. She got the message.

 

Later on....when she was a young adult she told me how she felt about those occasions. She said that although at the time she was shocked , upon reflection she knew I was right and she was wrong. She had just wanted to know how far she could push us....and she found out.

 

She also said that afterwards it made her feel more secure because it showed that I cared about her behavior and how to be respectful of others. When she had lived with her grandmother in Thailand nobody cared what she did and she felt that being naughty was the only way to get the attention she wanted.

 

Just my own personal experience .

[sanemax]

You need to decide whether you want to be the Father to the Child , if so, start acting like one .

[Rc2702]

On 08/10/2017 at 3:57 PM, Orton Rd said:

Hopeless situation you cannot correct it, put up with it or get out of it.

Losers comment. 

[ChiangMaiLightning2143]

Not going to say having a child is a definite deal breaker but I will not suffer a moment of inconvenience or irritation due to some Somchai’s child, that would be her problem. I never wanted kids why deal with the terrible twos type worst stages at this time of my life? Ridiculous! What is next to look forward to the sulking teen?

 

I know it is a risk factor or breast cancer but pregnancies destroy womens bodies. Figures can be maintained through diet and extreme exercise but how many Thai women work out regularly? (yes a few hardbodies in the gym five days a week ). The naughty can benefit from surgical interventions. All things considered why take a single mommie with a screaming brat when so many nulliparous woman are available?

 

 

 

 

[MaeJoMTB]

This child will always come before you ....... choose another woman, plenty to pick from.

[duanebigsby]

On 10/12/2017 at 3:28 AM, ChiangMaiLightning2143 said:

Not going to say having a child is a definite deal breaker but I will not suffer a moment of inconvenience or irritation due to some Somchai’s child, that would be her problem. I never wanted kids why deal with the terrible twos type worst stages at this time of my life? Ridiculous! What is next to look forward to the sulking teen?

 

I know it is a risk factor or breast cancer but pregnancies destroy womens bodies. Figures can be maintained through diet and extreme exercise but how many Thai women work out regularly? (yes a few hardbodies in the gym five days a week ). The naughty can benefit from surgical interventions. All things considered why take a single mommie with a screaming brat when so many nulliparous woman are available?

 

 

 

 

Misogynistic drivel.

[Rc2702]

On the driving part.

 

Get your Mrs to take all of you to a car crash salvage yard and explain what happens to people without a seat belt on. 

 

Maybe get a militant or police type to intervene and give her an absolute roasting about hitting her own mother.

 

Whilst I hope you solve these problems I cannot help thinking that any progress you may make may be hindered by fathers family if they are in the picture.

 

Fair play for detailing all the info you have been very informative. I think your the right type to solve the issues if you want.

 

 

[Been there done that]

12 hours ago, duanebigsby said:

Misogynistic drivel.

He is only sensible. Nothing wrong with that.

[Aditi Sharma]

I would personally take the four year old to a zoo and introduce her to animals and birds.  

[Denim]

16 minutes ago, Aditi Sharma said:

I would personally take the four year old to a zoo and introduce her to animals and birds.  

Then leave her there.   Good idea !  She'll fit right in.

[Aditi Sharma]

2 hours ago, Denim said:

Then leave her there.   Good idea !  She'll fit right in.

There are pyschological benefits in watching animals. And those who cannot be placed before Animal World or the National Geographic on TV, can be taken around in the zoo. Must try.