Friday Jokes

Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't get a visa. One day, she met a man who told her not to dispair.

"l'll let you sneak aboard my captain's ship and take you to France, but you have to screw me every time I bring you food, okay?"

She accepted, and for about three months the guy brought her food and water and then she screwed him. This went on for about 3 months, at which point she was discovered by the captain. The captain asked what she was doing and she said a man was taking her to France if she screwed him every time he brought her food.

The captain replied, "He sure is screwing you - this is the New York Ferry."

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”