My Thai girlfriend got pregnant (4.5 months) - we've thought this through and think adoption is the best option

[cyberfarang]

11 hours ago, Christiano9321 said:

 

Thank you for your comment. That's not an option for us.

This sort of thing really makes me sick to the stomach. You talk about having the baby adopted like you`re discussing finding a dog a good home.

 

Usually in these cases the Farang gets a Thai girl pregnant, Farang then disappears off the scene making various excuses to become a deadbeat dad, the Thai mother is left to struggle bringing up the child that ends up being cared for by Thai relatives until the child reaches it`s teen years then has to go out into the world and fend for it`s self.

 

If this was in my country, you would be imposed to pay support for the mother of your child and maintenance for the child until the child is 18 years old.

 

Why didn`t you wear something at the end of it like a responsible adult? You are irresponsible, and if I were to air my opinion, I`d be banned from TV. Enough said.

[colinneil]

OP reading your post i feel you are a disgusting selfish person.

You want the fun with the girl but did not take sensible precautions, why?

You are talking about throwing away a life, just like a food takeaway wrapper, shame on you.

 

[BEVUP]

The OP had plenty of time prior to this happening , to think about the outcome 

 

So they were together for 2 yrs 

 

Was the GF ever on the Pill ? Maybe not / Maybe so

 

Did she go of the Pill ? Maybe

 

So now all of a sudden she is pregnant - So who wanted & didn't want the baby 

It just doesn't happen over night even after going off the Pill 

 

[brewsterbudgen]

 
   You are suggesting that he should kill this ?

That's why it's called a termination. It may be too late in this case anyway.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[BEVUP]

1 minute ago, brewsterbudgen said:

That's why it's called a termination. It may be too late in this case anyway.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app
 

Your right there is a cut of point

[Christiano9321]

On 8/12/2018 at 1:05 PM, Maradona 10 said:

Why are you asking complete strangers about this. Get a life man.

 

Because there might be people who went through a similar situation that I could learn from <deleted>. The <deleted> your problem?

[Christiano9321]

On 8/12/2018 at 8:29 PM, Frogmountain said:

Many families, in and out of Thailand, would be thrilled to adopt your baby. You must go through the Thai adoption agency. Private adoption is illegal as there is too much potential for abuse.

Research open vs. closed adoption and think about whether you would like your daughter to know who you are or be able to find you later. 

Best of luck. 

Contact info: 

Child Adoption Center
Department of Social Development and Welfare
255 Ratchawithi Road
Bangkok 10400 Thailand
Phone: 02-354-7500, 02-354-7509, 02-354-9234 ext. 412-419, 
02-306-8834-35
Email: [email protected]

Keep trying the phones if they don't pick up on a particular day. You can also stop by the office during business hours; there is always someone who speaks English. 

Thank you I appreciate it.

[Christiano9321]

On 8/12/2018 at 8:56 PM, sirineou said:

If you are real about this, it is something that you will have to resolve by your self, but let me tell you this, it will be with you and your GF for the rest of your lives.  I have what is now a 21 year old daughter and let me tell you, it was not easy but it was the best thing that ever happened to me, I would never trade it of anything. Think about what you will be giving up.

Thank you.

[Christiano9321]

On 8/12/2018 at 9:14 PM, sanemax said:

 

   You are suggesting that he should kill this ?

Yes not going to happen.

[Christiano9321]

On 8/12/2018 at 9:21 PM, jenny2017 said:

OP, I was in a similar situation many moons ago and decided to drive to a neighboring country for an abortion.

 

    And even now after 35 years, it's still something that somehow hurts me and I know I shouldn't have done that. 

 

  An abortion and giving the baby away are two different pairs of shoes, but there's one similarity. You sound like it's only your decision what will happen to the daughter of your gf., but she'll have to carry out the baby and then give it away? 

 

I thought that my decision alone would be enough that having a child wasn't possible for certain reasons. That was the point where I was so wrong. When I got married in LOS, it turned out that my wife couldn't have any more kids and I think it's my Karma that followed me. 

 

That's totally against the nature of a female and it seems that your gf is afraid to let you know that she'd keep it. I don't believe your words that you take full responsibility. If you would, you'd let her choose what to do. Now it's not about you, your plans as a businessman, a guy who doesn't want to get married and have a family. 

 

Let your gf decide and you can sleep much better, believe me. Such things can easily hunt you, even 20 years later when you find out what a mistake you've made. If you do it, please don't come back into her life when she's an adult to show her around. 

Thank you for your insight and perspective, it helps.

[Christiano9321]

On 8/12/2018 at 9:42 PM, kannot said:

Im not  sure  your girlfriend is being completely  honest with you but only you or her will really know this.

My Wife was unable to have children and we did want one but left it too late preferring financial stability over children. Youre  still young and have the time and abortion is an option if thats what she wants, have no regrets in it, its your lives, any child will know nothing of this even at 20 weeks...........ask yourself what your earliest memory is.

She didnt want abortion so it's not an option. It's also way too late now in my opinion. Thank you for your feedback.

[Christiano9321]

On 8/12/2018 at 10:01 PM, BestB said:

For the life of me i

do not get what is so wrong about someone in his twenty’s , healthy , fit businessman to raise a baby?even more so after being together for over 2 years with a gf

Because I don't see us being together long term. That's one of the many reasons.

[Christiano9321]

23 hours ago, fanjita said:

By having the baby adopted then you are most certainly running away.  Apologies for being so direct but this is the reality.

 

And the best way forward for you by the sounds of it, OP.  

 

Lot's of growing up for you to do and mighty fast by the sound of it.

I disagree.

[Christiano9321]

23 hours ago, SheungWan said:

Let the GF and family bring up the kid if she wishes and provide some child support. Duty calls.

If this is what she ends up wanting it will be so probably. I'm trying to figure out if there are any legalities or not so obvious things to determine.

 

Seems reasonable enough to ask around for advice and way all options carefully.

[Christiano9321]

22 hours ago, Kadilo said:

You got it wrong. It’s not hard to accept. It doesnt make you a bad person. 

Thank you I truly appreciate it. People are dicks but they're just looking at it from their own lens. I knew I'd get reactions like that.

[BestB]

8 minutes ago, Christiano9321 said:

Because I don't see us being together long term. That's one of the many reasons.

You have been together for 2 years but do not see being together long term? Why did you waste her time to begin with?

[Christiano9321]

22 hours ago, Canuckabroad said:

It sounds like you have a tough decision to make, OP.  If you decide to go with adoption then make a list of your options:

 

- Give the baby over to Thai social services.  She nay be adopted (perhaps very likely if healthy and half Caucasian).  Might also end up in ophanage, or shuffled through series of adoptive parents.  Or abused and exploited.  Keep in mind you’re thinking about dropping your baby daughter off into a developing country’s social welfare system.

 

- Find a private adopter.  It’s best you do this in advance of the baby’s birth, then maybe you can all go to a country where private adoptions are legal, give birth, and sign her over.  (If that’s allowed, especially for non-citizens.)

 

- Do an unofficial adoption.  You give the baby over to close relatives, friends, missionary couple, whoever, to raise for you.

 

- Visit a country that grants citizenship upon birth, have the baby there, and turn the child over to social services.  Presumably you’d pick a country where you thought the balance of probabilities are an orphan child has a better chance there than an orphan in Thailand.

 

Not saying I agree with all of these, or if any or all are feasible, but you asked for help and these adoption scenarios are what sprang to my mind.

 

Good luck, and don’t pressure your girlfriend into doing what you want.

 

Thank you so much. This is what I needed. Just trying to get some clarity. I appreciate it.

[Christiano9321]

22 hours ago, cyberfarang said:

This sort of thing really makes me sick to the stomach. You talk about having the baby adopted like you`re discussing finding a dog a good home.

 

Usually in these cases the Farang gets a Thai girl pregnant, Farang then disappears off the scene making various excuses to become a deadbeat dad, the Thai mother is left to struggle bringing up the child that ends up being cared for by Thai relatives until the child reaches it`s teen years then has to go out into the world and fend for it`s self.

 

If this was in my country, you would be imposed to pay support for the mother of your child and maintenance for the child until the child is 18 years old.

 

Why didn`t you wear something at the end of it like a responsible adult? You are irresponsible, and if I were to air my opinion, I`d be banned from TV. Enough said.

Just because I'm not writing with a lot of emotion doesnt mean I'm not taking these extremely serious. I am tired and going to do what's best for the baby.

 

Ok that's what usually happens according to you and clearly not what I'm hoosing to do.

[Christiano9321]

14 hours ago, BEVUP said:

The OP had plenty of time prior to this happening , to think about the outcome 

 

So they were together for 2 yrs 

 

Was the GF ever on the Pill ? Maybe not / Maybe so

 

Did she go of the Pill ? Maybe

 

So now all of a sudden she is pregnant - So who wanted & didn't want the baby 

It just doesn't happen over night even after going off the Pill 

 

She was on the pill. I trust her that it was an accident.

[Christiano9321]

15 hours ago, colinneil said:

You are talking about throwing away a life, just like a food takeaway wrapper, shame on you.

No I'm not. I'm not here to convince people and virtue signal how emotional this has been for us and how hard this decision is weighing on our souls. I understand my style of writing may come across as very pragmatic but I dont see it as an easy decision at all. Why would I be coming to this forum and asking for different feedback if I didnt care.  

[Christiano9321]

On 8/12/2018 at 8:56 PM, sirineou said:

If you are real about this, it is something that you will have to resolve by your self, but let me tell you this, it will be with you and your GF for the rest of your lives.  I have what is now a 21 year old daughter and let me tell you, it was not easy but it was the best thing that ever happened to me, I would never trade it of anything. Think about what you will be giving up.

Thank you I will continue to think about it.

[Rhys]

Well, you have heard the tribe.... now it is time to choose... some options here for YOU.... however, what will be best for the Child... and for the Mother... That only you can decide.... you can do it, you have too.. 

[Christiano9321]

16 minutes ago, BestB said:

You have been together for 2 years but do not see being together long term? Why did you waste her time to begin with?

We were always transparent with each other that it was light hearted relationship that was probably not going to last for 10 or 20 years just like a lot of people have in their twenties. It's not a waste of time we have really enjoyed it. I never expected to be in Thailand for that long in the first place.

[Christiano9321]

Just now, Rhys said:

Well, you have heard the tribe.... now it is time to choose... some options here for YOU.... however, what will be best for the Child... and for the Mother... That only you can decide.... you can do it, you have too.. 

Thank you. At the end of the day I always knew it was a decision between us.

 

Just thought maybe theres more too it that I could learn from people in terms of legal or bureaucratic stuff.

 

You never know what you don't know, and in my opinion it's always wise to collect data especially when you've never encountered this situation in your life before. I'm still young so I want to see how others have handled it in the past since historically its obviously not an isolated incident. 

 

What baffles me is people acting so extremely hostile towards this without knowing much of anything about us.

 

People saying I lack empathy. I understand where they're coming from but to me it says more about their empathy and self awareness. How ironic. 

 

Anyway I appreciate those of you who try to help. I just need to figure out what's best for the kid. Dont know yet if me raising it will be best for the kid. Need to do more soul searching. 

[Kadilo]

20 minutes ago, Christiano9321 said:

Thank you I truly appreciate it. People are dicks but they're just looking at it from their own lens. I knew I'd get reactions like that.

It was always going to be an emotional subject for many and by putting your situation up on here it’s not surprising some of the response. 

 

The easy thing to have done  (and yes we can all say he should of put something on it Jeremy Kyle style before ) was to either do a runner or abort. You have chose not to do that and look for a better option. For that I give you some credit. 

 

Its imperative you continue to discuss with your girlfriend as to what her preferences are. Whether you stay together or not, whatever decision you make will stay with you for the rest of your life. You owe it to you all to make the right one. 

 

Best of luck. 

[Christiano9321]

2 minutes ago, Kadilo said:

It was always going to be an emotional subject for many and by putting your situation up on here it’s not surprising some of the response. 

 

The easy thing to have done  (and yes we can all say he should of put something on it Jeremy Kyle style before ) was to either do a runner or abort. You have chose not to do that and look for a better option. For that I give you some credit. 

 

Its imperative you continue to discuss with your girlfriend as to what her preferences are. Whether you stay together or not, whatever decision you make will stay with you for the rest of your life. You owe it to you all to make the right one. 

 

Best of luck. 

Thank you.

 

Both of us have said on multiple occasions we want to make a decision that well be proud of, when we look back at it in the future.

 

The fact that we even consider adoption apparently makes me evil in some people's eyes. So be it.

[Canuckabroad]

12 minutes ago, Christiano9321 said:

 

Thank you so much. This is what I needed. Just trying to get some clarity. I appreciate it.

I’m not going to judge you.  Birth control fails, you may be on the run from Russian spy agencies, or mafia hit men, or whatever.  If I was going to judge you, I’d say kudos for not pushing your girlfriend for an abortion.

 

But having said that, if you are bringing a child into the world then you have a responsibility to at least leave her in the best possible situation.

 

The easiest thing you might be able to do for yourself and your girlfriend is drop the baby off with Thai social services and disappear.  Before you do that, ask yourself what is the best chance you could give this child so that in 20 years they are happy.  At the top of that list is for her to grow up with either family or someone who treats her like family.  Your girlfriend as a single mother is pretty high up there (perhaps an unpopular opinion), and so is her being raised by relatives. Being raised by a loving family that treated her as her own is just as good or better.  If you have any aunts or uncles (or grandparents or cousins with families) don’t be too quick to dismiss them if simply because you’re afraid of judgment and scandal.

 

If you can’t give her one of those situations, ask yourself if she’s more likely to be happy and healthy in 20 years if you give her up to Thai social services, compared to you giving her up to social services in your home country.  Or a country where your girlfriend can give birth.  Think hard about that, because the extra cost to you is only a round trip flight.

 

Imagine having a meeting with your daughter in 20 or 40 years, or on your deathbed.  Do you want to explain why you chose the easiest available option?  Won’t it be easier on your conscience if you knew you’d been in an impossible situation (mafia hit men, etc) but you did everything in your power to give your daughter the best chance at a happy life?

[Christiano9321]

1 minute ago, Canuckabroad said:

I’m not going to judge you.  Birth control fails, you may be on the run from Russian spy agencies, or mafia hit men, or whatever.  If I was going to judge you, I’d say kudos for not pushing your girlfriend for an abortion.

 

But having said that, if you are bringing a child into the world then you have a responsibility to at least leave her in the best possible situation.

 

The easiest thing you might be able to do for yourself and your girlfriend is drop the baby off with Thai social services and disappear.  Before you do that, ask yourself what is the best chance you could give this child so that in 20 years they are happy.  At the top of that list is for her to grow up with either family or someone who treats her like family.  Your girlfriend as a single mother is pretty high up there (perhaps an unpopular opinion), and so is her being raised by relatives. Being raised by a loving family that treated her as her own is just as good or better.  If you have any aunts or uncles (or grandparents or cousins with families) don’t be too quick to dismiss them if simply because you’re afraid of judgment and scandal.

 

If you can’t give her one of those situations, ask yourself if she’s more likely to be happy and healthy in 20 years if you give her up to Thai social services, compared to you giving her up to social services in your home country.  Or a country where your girlfriend can give birth.  Think hard about that, because the extra cost to you is only a round trip flight.

 

Imagine having a meeting with your daughter in 20 or 40 years, or on your deathbed.  Do you want to explain why you chose the easiest available option?  Won’t it be easier on your conscience if you knew you’d been in an impossible situation (mafia hit men, etc) but you did everything in your power to give your daughter the best chance at a happy life?

Thank you for your insight. Yes this is exactly what I'm facing and how I'm looking at it.

 

What decision can I look back at 20 to 40 years from now knowing I did the best I could to give this girl the best possible life. 

 

 Could I get the baby born in my European country etc. These are things I'm trying to figure out.

[Canuckabroad]

6 minutes ago, Christiano9321 said:

What baffles me is people acting so extremely hostile towards this without knowing much of anything about us.

 

It’s because a lot of people on this forum are old enough to have regrets about missed chances in life, or perceive that you may have such regrets later in life.  You’d be getting a lot more flat and technical advice if you were asking this in a university’s guidance counsellors office.  Any advice that makes you think more carefully about a literally life-changing decision is good advice, whether you end up following it or not.

[Christiano9321]

1 minute ago, Canuckabroad said:

It’s because a lot of people on this forum are old enough to have regrets about missed chances in life, or perceive that you may have such regrets later in life.  You’d be getting a lot more flat and technical advice if you were asking this in a university’s guidance counsellors office.  Any advice that makes you think more carefully about a literally life-changing decision is good advice, whether you end up following it or not.

Yes I totally get and appreciate that.

 

Comments like "Why are you asking complete strangers about this. Get a life man." and "She deserves better than you" don't really help when they know nothing about my life but people are entitled to their opinions and freedom of speech.