The History Lesson Re-written

[Axel]

Part I (the B.C. years)

3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is

stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the

early business Code of Ethics.

2900 B.C. - Egyptians create Sphinx, one of Seven Great Wonders of the

Ancient world. But they refuse to talk about it & destroy all

architectural plans.

An attempt at similar architecture would later be made at Mount Rushmore,

in North America, over 4000years later, this time using power tools.

1850 B.C. - Britons announce Operation Stonehenge a success after

arranging slabs in sufficiently meaningless circles to confuse

scientists for centuries. Britons will never really outgrow their

fascination with the Wheel or Circles.

1785 B.C. - The first calendar is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C. - Babylonians experience winter in June, in midst of minor

heat wave.

776 B.C. - The world's first known money appears in Persia. World's

first known counterfeiter appears in Persia next day.

525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held in Greece. USSR enters six

footer with a mustache in women's shot put.

410 B.C. - Rome ends the practice of enslaving debtors, removing

biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

404 B.C. - The Peloponnesian war enters 27th year because neither side

can find a treaty writer who can spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese people complete 1,500 mile

long Great Wall. Neighbor's dog gets through.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers argue over what to call next year.

Part II ( Early A.D.)

79 A.D. - Property in Pompeii turns out to be bad investment.

Not that man learnt from the event, & avoid building below a

volcano.

432 A.D - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby

giving the natives topic to fight about for the rest of recorded

history.

1000 A.D. - Leif Ericsson discovers America; decides it's not worth

mentioning.

1043 A.D. - Lady Godiva demonstrates against high taxes, causing all

to forget what she is demonstrating against.

1125 A.D. - Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling

peasants to solve how much tax each owes on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're

in the XXXVI percent bracket?

1233 A.D. - Inquisition begins. Practice is so un-Christian it is

permitted to continue for only 600 years.

1297 A.D. - World's first stock exchange opens. Few have foresight to

buy Coke or IBM.

1433 A.D. - Portugal launches African slave trade, proving how much a

small nation can achieve with a little ingenuity and much evil.

1456 A.D. - English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her

death sentence of 1431.

1492 A.D. - Columbus lands in Bahamas, names it San Salvador, and

calls natives Indians.

1497 A.D. - Amerigo Vespucci becomes the first to think of naming the

new world in honor of himself...the United States of Vespuccia!

1508 A.D. - Michelangelo accedes to Pope's demands to paint ceiling of

Sistine Chapel, but refuses to wash the windows.

1513 A.D. - Ponce de Leon finds the Fountain of Youth, but dies of old

age trying to remember where.

1522 A.D. - Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that

Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.

1568 A.D. - Upset by the slander of his good name, Russian leader

kills 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the

Terrible.

1607 A.D. - Red Indians laugh themselves silly as first European tourist

to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1618 A.D. - Britain executes Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco

plants to live.

1642 A.D. - The first nine students to receive Bachelor of Arts

degrees in America, discover there are no jobs available for a kid

with a liberal arts education.

1670 A.D. - Pilgrims, busy burning witches, fail to observe golden

anniversary of winning religious freedom.

1755 A.D. - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at

last providing young children with correct meanings of naughty words.

1758 A.D. - New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian

reservation, giving Indians an idea of living conditions they can

expect.

1763 A.D. - The French and Indian War ends. Both sides lose.

1770 A.D. - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre

touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston

are average for a Saturday Night.

1773 A.D. - Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the

act "barbaric", noting that no one added cream.

1776 A.D. - Napoleon maintains neutrality during American Revolution,

primarily because he is seven years old.

1779 A.D. - John Paul Jones notifies British, "I have just begun to

fight!" and notices his ship is sinking.

1793 A.D. - "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie

Antionette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said.

Also, the last.

1799 A.D. - Translation of Rosetta Stone enables scholars to learn

that Egyptian hieroglyphics say fundamental stuff: "Dear Ramses, How

are you? I am fine."

1805 A.D. - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807 A.D. - Robert Fulton invents the steamship to provide target for

torpedos.

1815 A.D. - Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins

the Battle of New Orleans a month after letter was mailed telling him

the War of 1812 is over.

1840 A.D. - William Henry Harrison is elected president in landslide,

proving very few could disagree with campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and

Tyler too."

1850 A.D. - Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than

president," after running for president five times without winning.

1857 A.D - A spontaneous Mutiny erupts in India, & promptly fizzles out

at the sight of redcoat reinforcement. Avenging soldiers tie rebels

to canon & blow them up, later providing Gandhi the real reason to

avoid violence against Brits.

1859 A.D. - Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". Containing

same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", it fails to gross as much

money.

1865 A.D. - Union Soldiers face greatest challenge of the war:

sobering Grant for Lee's surrender.

1894 A.D. - Thomas Edison displays first motion picture, applauded by

all but movie critics.

1903 A.D. - Opening of Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from

Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, much sooner than most

desire.

1910 A.D. - Founding of Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to

independent old ladies at traffic lights.

1911 A.D. - Rauld Amundsen discovers South Pole and confirms his

suspicions: It looks a lot like the North Pole.

1912 A.D. - People with reservations for subsequent voyages of the

Titanic get their money back.

1920 A.D. - The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking

illegal in the U.S. Everyone stops, except for 40 million who do not.

1924 A.D. - Hitler is released from prison four years early, after

convincing parole board he is a changed man.

1928 A.D. - Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car

in every garage," neglecting to add that most Americans will soon be

without both.

1930 A.D. - Pluto is discovered; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered

until 1938.

1933 A.D. - German housewives begin to realize why wallpaper hanger

with mustache never came back to finish the job. Hanger comes to power &

promptly burns down the Reichstag to make employment for more wallpaper

men.

1933 A.D. - Hitler establishes Third Reich, announcing it will last a

thousand years, an error of only 988.

1934 A.D. - John Dillinger, gunned down by police on leaving Chicago

film theater, gasps that he didn't like the movie, either.

1934 A.D. - Great Depression, giving businessmen headaches, reaches

climax with birth of Ralph Nader.

1938 A.D. - Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, averting WW

II.

1944 A.D. - Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as

they've won the war proves to be insufficient incentive.

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Further History is under review before publishing, except for events

after 1984, which nobody believes anyway.