Popular Post WorriedNoodle Posted February 1, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 1, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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WorriedNoodle Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted February 1, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 1, 2020 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) A CANNY SCOT! A city boy, Jimmy, moved to the Scottish Highlands and bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry, son, but I have some bad news—the donkey died." Jimmy replied. "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Jimmy said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What you gonna do with him?" Jimmy: "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey I" Jimmy: "Sure l can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?" Jimmy: "I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two quid each and made a profit of £898." Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two quid back." Edited February 1, 2020 by scottiejohn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted February 1, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 1, 2020 EMBERRESMENT! A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and his wallet and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, lie could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where a cab was waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, his daughters hand in marriage but all to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big and didn't loose his wallet either. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, whom should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line and asked, 'How much for a ride to the airport?" 'Fifteen bucks," came the reply. 'And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?" 'What? Get the hell out of my cab you filthy pervert!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, 'How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie, obviously not recognising him, replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "Okay," and away they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big leering smile and a thumbs-up to each driver. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted February 1, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 1, 2020 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 What do you call ton of angry dolphins? Cross porpoises. How do you got down from an elephant1? You don't get down from an elephant - you get down from a duck! How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut. Crackle: Last night I caught my dog chewing up the notes for my new book. Snap: What did you do? Crackle: I took the words right out of his mouth Pap: Why do skunks argue? Snap: 1 give up. Why? Pop: Because they like to raise a stink. Did you bear about the cat who joined the Red Cross? He wanted to be a first aid kit. Why don’t they hang giraffes in Africa? Because they can't find trees tall enough. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post jvs Posted February 1, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 1, 2020 41 minutes ago, scottiejohn said: Nah,you got that all wrong! 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, jvs said: Nah,you got that all wrong! See I am correct!! PS; I believe your comment qualifies you for an "A*shole diploma"! Congratulations! ???? ???? Edited February 1, 2020 by scottiejohn <deleted> deleted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jvs Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 2 hours ago, scottiejohn said: See I am correct!! PS; I believe your comment qualifies you for an "A*shole diploma"! Congratulations! ???? ???? I was just proving your point but i feel humble and honored and i will frame your award and place it proudly on my desk for everyone to see. Thank you soooooo muuuuuch!!!!!!!! Have a nice weekend.???? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post tifino Posted February 1, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 1, 2020 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post WorriedNoodle Posted February 2, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 2, 2020 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Seth1a2a Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spinner2020 Posted February 2, 2020 Share Posted February 2, 2020 In case anyone wants more xenophobia: ‘I said I don’t trust Huawei.’ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted February 2, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 2, 2020 Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar. "Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?" "Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!" Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football. He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?" "Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply. Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?" "Leeds," replied the memory man. Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?" The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1." Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John." Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, but he can't stop thinking about it, so ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave. Humbled, he steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue. "How," Dave says. The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box." 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted February 2, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 2, 2020 A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks. "Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo. A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously. "Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings." The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady. "But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!" "That's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the ***ing holes for that." 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted February 2, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 2, 2020 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted February 2, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 2, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 3, 2020 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 WAS IT A DRAG OR A DRAFT? I know a guy who put on lipstick, high heels, and carried a purse down to the draft board. It couldn’t have worked out worse or better depending on your point of view. The Army took him in and the doctor took him out! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 3, 2020 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 (edited) AN AGE OLD MONUMENT? Antiques have become so popular, right now there are 15 million Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don’t work, and are only kept around for sentimental purposes. Some of these are called antiques—and the rest are called wife's. Edited February 3, 2020 by scottiejohn 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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