Worst Joke Ever 2024

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $25,000, minus eighteen percent, how much would you take off?" he asked.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Cowboy Logic
-------------------------

There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Farmers Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote opulation. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem.

 

"Those coyotes ain't f*ckin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em."

Edited February 9, 2020 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[ballpoint]

Guy is stopped for speeding.

The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying b*****d told you I was speeding, too!"

[ballpoint]

A man and his wife went to the doctor.

The husband told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doctor checked his blood pressure and ran some other tests, then took the woman to a cubicle behind his office and asked her to undress completely.

He asked her to turn around slowly, which she did, and then turn around in the other direction.

Finally he said 'OK, come back out when you are dressed'.

Whilst she was getting dressed the doctor said to the man, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either".

[ballpoint]

A Scottish bachelor announces that he is finally getting married.

"Will ye be wearing a kilt?' asked a mate.

"Aye."

"What's the tartan?"

"She'll be wearing a white dress." 

[Sujo]

rainy night husband and wife having a cosy night in watching movies and there is a knock on the door.

 

Husband opens it to see a drunk guy asking for a push. Husband tells him to sod off.

 

Wife asks him who it was.

Just some old drunk asking for a push.

Oh honey its raining, werent you ever in need when the car breaks down, its raining, go help the guy.

 

Oh ok, opens the front door and calls out, hey man, sorry to be mean before, do you still need that push?

 

Yes calls out the man in the darkness.

 

Where are you?

Over here on the swing.

 

Sorry ????

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[vogie]

Threats to the BBC licence fee have led to budget cuts on their outdoor sports coverage.

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden, a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
   The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
   The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
   The husband, concerned, agreed that the doctor could use any method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
   The doctor said, 'Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife s
vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the lip of my dick, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
    The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
    So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
    So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement; she began to moan and groan aloud. "Oh, Doctor, Doctor!" she shouted.
    The doctor, concentrating hard, looked to be enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
    The husband, at this point, suddenly became annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you 're doing?"
    The doctor, still concentrating, replied, 'Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the b*st*rd!"
•

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A physician claims these are actual comments his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. 'Can you hear me now?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?"
7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out. You do the hokeypokey . .
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
10. 'Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
And the best one . . .
11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that
my head is not, in fact, up there?"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

How can you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?                                                             By the taste.

 

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, a new dog would still be excited to see you.

 

How do you know when you’re girlfriend is getting fat?

When she can fit in your wife’s clothes.

 

What is more important than having a woman who cooks and cleans, finding a woman who has money, and finding a woman who really likes to have sex every which way?

Making sure that those three women of yours never meet.

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[ballpoint]

The guy who invented predictive text has sadly passed away.

His funeral is on monkey.

[ballpoint]

My boss called when I was driving to tell me I had been promoted. With the shock I swerved to the left. A few minutes later he called again to say I had been promoted again! I swerved to the right. Then he called again to say I was being made managing director and I crashed into a tree.

A policeman turned up asked "what happened?"

"I don't know.  I just careered off the road."

[ballpoint]

How do you know the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
If it was anyone else, it would be called a teethbrush.

[ballpoint]

A man boarded a plane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman walking up the aisle straight towards him.  As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.  Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?  What kind of myths are there?"

"Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irish"

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I'm sorry", she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto McTavish, but my friends call me Paddy".