Worst Joke Ever 2024

[fasteddie]

[metisdead]

Another reminder:

 

8.) You will not post disruptive or inflammatory messages, vulgarities, obscenities or profanities.

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[ballpoint]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[ballpoint]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'that's Abba-riginal.'

 

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

 

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, 'How many potatoes would you like?'. I said 'Ooh, I'll just have one please.' She said 'It's OK, you don't have to be polite.' 'Alright,' I said, 'I'll just have one then, you stupid cow.'

[chickenslegs]

Beer! Works for me.

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[fasteddie]

[tifino]

 

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’
The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’
Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.’

The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’
The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’
‘We throw them away, of course!’
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’

 

 

[ballpoint]

Scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.  Fair enough.  I'll use an ashtray instead.

 

I'm going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She's particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.

 

I took my new girlfriend back to my place for the first time.

"This place needs cheering up", she said, "I'll get you some roses to put on your piano."

"Oh", I said, "couldn't you put tulips on my organ instead?"

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The Jilted Drunk!

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" 

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend." 

"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." 

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?" 

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." 

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?" 

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said,

 

'BAD DOG!'" 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

OAP's Medication

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when Jimmy brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. 

The Dave wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked his old mate Jimmy what it was for.

The Jimmy said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth Dave!! Makes you feel like a man of 30, maybe even 20!!" 

The Dave then asks Jimmy, "Where can you get it, just over the counter or?" 

Before old Dave could finish he was interrupted by Jimmy who said

 

"You probably could, if you took 2 pills at one time", said Jimmy. 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

New job in tatters!

The new employee at the publishing company stood before the paper shredder looking confused as he had never seen one before. 

"Need some help?" a secretary asked. 

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?" 

"Simple," she said, taking the fat new manuscript from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. 

 

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?" 
 

[scottiejohn]

For the Raven/Crow pedants on this forum!

 

[billd766]

4 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Where is the groan emoji when I need it most?

Edited November 6, 2019 by billd766
edited for bad spelling after I had posted, again.

[Andrew Dwyer]

Well I always say “ Nice “ !!

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

Mmmmm tasty ???? !!

 

 

 

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

Well you certainly get my business !!

 

 

Edited November 6, 2019 by Andrew Dwyer