Worst Joke Ever 2024

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

See what a healthy life and nagging does to you!!

An old couple, married for over 50 years, die within a week of each other and arrive in heaven at the same time. 
Once the paperwork has been seen to, an angel escorts them to their new accommodation. After living in a small terraced cottage all their lives, the new house is like a palace.

Set in two acres of land, it has its own swimming pool and a double garage with "his" and "hers" cars. The old man turns to his wife in astonishment and says,

"Well, burgger me, Pam, if you hadn't stopped us drinking, smoking and all the rest of life's pleasures we'd have been enjoying all this years ago." 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The final nail in the coffin!

It was the funeral of John's wife and he sat crying his eyes out in the front pew. He seemed inconsolable, so the Vicar decided to go over and have a word. 
"I'm so sorry, John, I know this is a difficult time for you but the pain will eventually lessen. You're still quite a young man and maybe you'll meet someone else one day." 
John stopped sobbing and looked up at the Vicar. 
 "It's alright for you to say that, Vicar," he complained,

"but where am I going to get laid tonight?" 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Was he *rsing about or just a *hit

On the death of her husband, Eva placed a notice in the local newspaper. 
"Robert Percy, aged 62, died of VD on June 7, at 3pm." 
The next day, she met her friend in the street and her friend asked her, somewhat puzzled, "But Eva, I thought you told me he died of a bowel complaint?" 
"He did," she replied, "but I'd prefer people to remember him as a great lover rather than the little sh8t he really was." 
 

[scottiejohn]

[ballpoint]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down, do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound,  a sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand.
When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A monk answers.
He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change.
Only God knows what you ask.
All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations.
You have become a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite.
The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end.
His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[WorriedNoodle]

[ballpoint]

A bloke was at the barber shop getting his hair cut before going on holiday. The barber asked where he was going and he replied "Rome". 
"Rome?" said the barber, "Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"
"BA," was the reply. "I got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the barber.  "That's a terrible airline.  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"I'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"Well, I'm not going there for the hotel, I'm going to the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber.  "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours, you're going to need it."
A month later, the bloke comes in again and the barber asks about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," says the bloke.
"Not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped me up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a gorgeous young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.  And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave me their Presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, I was quite lucky, because as I toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh!  What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the <deleted> cut your hair?"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

If Dreams could come true!

One night, The President is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. President Trump asks him, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honourable example, just as I did," Washington advises.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears in the Oval Office.
"Tom," Trump asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
Jefferson advises Trump, "Stop making policy via twitter."
Bush stays awake the next night and Abraham Lincoln's ghost appears.
"Abe," Bush says, "What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
Honest Abe answers,

"Take the night off and go see a play."
 

[scottiejohn]

Is she is a winner!

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society's idea of beauty changes with time.

"For example," he says, "the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"
The class was silent until one woman comments, "She'd lose for sure."
"Why is that?" asks the professor.
"Well for one thing," the student answers,

"she's dead."

Edited December 2, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Vacancy (again) at the White House!

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
"I'm thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy."
A White House aide comments, "Why don't you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?"
Another staffer jokes, "Why don't you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy since you can afford it?"
A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says,

"Why don't you throw yourself out and make one half of the country happy?"
 

[scottiejohn]

[chickenslegs]

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[scottiejohn]

This is for "Chickenslegs"  Blame him please!

[scottiejohn]

More for Chickenslegs!

 

A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

 

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

 

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

 

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

 

How can there be self-help "groups"?

 

Is there another word for synonym?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

 

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

 

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

 

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.

 

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

 

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

 

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

 

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a nail.
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

I have only had amnesia once - or twice, I can’t remember.

 

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

 

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

 

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

 

If the world was a logical place, It would be men who would ride horses sidesaddle.

 

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?