Worst Joke Ever 2024

[fangless]

Trump walks into an electronics store...
He says to the salesman "I'd like to buy that little TV and install it in my limo".

"Sorry, I don't want to sell you anything."

Angered, Trump takes the limo home and decides to give it another go. To cleverly fool the salesman, he dyes his hair black, puts on an Elvis costume and goes back to the store.

 

"I'd like to buy that TV!"

"I told you Mr. Trump, I'm not selling anything to you."

Fuming, Trump goes back to his hotel, calls the best make up artist in the city and tells her, "can you make me look like Obama?"

"Sure", she says. A couple of hours later Trump is the spitting image of Obama. He goes back to the store.

 

"Sell me that TV", he demands in a deep, commanding voice.

"Mr Trump, I am telling you for the last time, I will NOT sell you ANYTHING."

Trump starts jumping up and down in frustration, making a scene. "How do you know!?" he cries loudly.

 

"Because that is not a TV, that is a micro wave oven."

[fangless]

How does a LGBT Communist get to work?

On it's Bi-Sickle!

[fangless]

Why do LGBT people dislike coding?

It's binary

[fangless]

What is the anthem at Saudi Arabia's illegal LGBT pride parade?

We Will Rock You.

[fangless]

NATIONAL LOCKDOWN-THE EXPERTS

 

Doctors were asked if we should reopen the country. Here's what the experts said:

Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.”

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were <deleted> off at the whole idea.

Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out;

 

They recommended leaving the hole thing up to the a&sholes in parliament.

[fasteddie]

[fangless]

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trick question.

You have to have a brain and some sort of co-ordination to change a lightbulb.
 

[fangless]

How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator,

but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

[fangless]

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.

[fangless]

I’m selling a broken marionette.

I have cut out all the extras

There is no shipping fee, no taxes, or any extra cost.

 

There are no strings attached.

[fangless]

I heard Scotland wants another independence referendum.

I guess we’ll get away with leaving the EU scot-free after all.

[sanuk711]

[fasteddie]

[chickenslegs]

5 hours ago, fangless said:

How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator,

but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

Never herd that one before, but it's quite a-moo-sing.

[fangless]

23 minutes ago, chickenslegs said:

Never herd that one before, but it's quite a-moo-sing.

I think your comment is possibly out of tune with mine.

I have calculated that It has been "udder" the radar for a long time but I like to keep milking the joke without making a complete t*t of myself for a while, that is no BS!!

Edited November 16, 2020 by fangless

[fangless]

5 hours ago, fasteddie said:

What a ballet nuisance!

 

(I think you might need to be Scottish or North of England to get this addon of mine!)

[fangless]

Where do cows fart from?

Their dairy air

[fangless]

I’ve been giving my cows weed to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

[fangless]

What do you call a group of cows following a trend?

A Moovement.

[fangless]

Cows & politics
***SOCIALISM***

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

***COMMUNISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

***FASCISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

***BUREAUCRATISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

***TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM***

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

***VENTURE CAPITALISM***USA

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, and then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

 

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

[VocalNeal]

8 hours ago, fangless said:

I think your comment is possibly out of tune with mine.

I have calculated that It has been "udder" the radar for a long time but I like to keep milking the joke without making a complete t*t of myself for a while, that is no BS!!

 

You mean no BSE?

[ballpoint]

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

[ballpoint]

I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."
He said, "You have a wee cough?"
I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

[fangless]

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

[ballpoint]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess,  so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Thai Airways motto:
'Smooth as silk'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the <deleted> do you want?'
'Ah ha!' he says
"Ryanair".

[ballpoint]

I feel so strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles, that I’ve signed a partition.

[ballpoint]

I had to tell my patient that I had dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery.
I will never forget the look on his elbow.

[ballpoint]

I recently started going to a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80."

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]