Worst Joke Ever 2025

[scottiejohn]

[ThreeEyedRaven]

A leper walks into a cafe on a wet and miserable day, orders his food and looks for somewhere to sit. The place is packed apart from one guy sat alone at a table, so he shuffles over and explains that while he will quite understand if the guy says no, but is there any chance of sharing the table. The guy agrees, but the leper asks one more time, "Are you sure I won't put you off your food?" The man assures him so the leper sits and begins to eat. The man at the table brings a mouthful of food up and as he puts it in his mouth, looks directly at the leper and for a moment it seems he is about to vomit. 

The leper pauses and says, "Are you OK? I will leave if I am putting you off your food." The man assures him this is not the case, so the leper continues to eat. A second time the man takes a mouthful of food and the same thing happens, though this time he has to make a serious effort not to throw up. The leper starts to get up, but the man apologises profusely and assures the leper that it is not him that is making him queasy. Unsure, but not wanting to eat outside in the rain, the leper once more starts to eat.

A third time the man takes a mouthful of food, and as he does so, looks directly at the leper and once more he is assailed by vomiting actions and this time he cannot hold it in, and sprays the contents of his stomach all over the table, everyone's food and the leper, who is incensed.

"You sick scumbag!" he screams, "Three times! Three times I asked you if I was putting you off your food, and now look at me! As if life wasn't tough enough already, my food is ruined and I am covered in foul smelling puke. What the hell is wrong with you?"

The man says, "I am really, really sorry, but I swear to you it wasn't you that was putting me off my food and making me feel sick. It was that evil fella behind you, who kept dipping his bread in the pus at the back of your neck!"

 

[scottiejohn]

We need a "Groan" button on this forum after that one.

 

[jollyhangmon]

There you go, got one of the baddest:

 

> Where do you find a one-legged dog?  ---  Well, wherever you left it ... < 

[chickenslegs]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They asked "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked I answered, "Yes, that's her."
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident."
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality..."

[chickenslegs]

Q. Why do women have orgasms?
A. So that they can moan even when they are enjoying themselves.

 

 

A recent survey asked 1000 men what they enjoyed most about a blow job.
99.9% said, '' The 10 minutes of silence''

 

I told my wife "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."

She asked me, "What is that?"

I explained "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
"Okay" she said, "I'll do it on two conditions.. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, .... we don't go down past my mother's".

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A female lecturer is telling a group of students how to teach maths to small children. 
"It's always a good idea for them to visualise the question. 
For instance, if I said there were three cats on a wall and one was shot dead -- how many were left? -- the children would answer 2. They would be able to see the cats in their mind's eye." 
At that point she was interrupted by one of the students. 
"Excuse me, but I would have answered none to that question." 
The lecturer looked puzzled, repeated the problem but again the student shook his head. 
"My answer would be none," he said. "If one of the cats had been shot then the other two would have been out of there in a flash." 
She replied, "Well, in theory that wouldn't be correct, however I like the way you think." 
The student continued, "May I ask you a question now? If there were three women walking down the street, one licking an ice lolly, one biting an ice lolly and one sucking an ice lolly -- which one would you think was married?" 
The teacher blushed profusely and stuttered a reply. 
"Well ... er ... the one sucking the ice lolly." 

 

"No," replied the student, smiling, "it would be the one wearing a wedding ring, still, I like the way you think!" 

[scottiejohn]

[chickenslegs]

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the goat I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a goat."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous old goat, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[scottiejohn]

A VARIATION ON THE SHEEP/GOAT JOKE ABOVE

 

 

Guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud this is the pig I screw when your on the rag and his wife replies that’s not a pig its a sheep and he says I know that, I was talking to the sheep.

[CantSpell]

[chickenslegs]

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to nibble my ear."

Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!" 

[chickenslegs]

A mate of mine has just been sacked off the dodgems, but he’s suing them for funfair dismissal.

[CantSpell]

 

[CantSpell]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A camel, a giraffe, a donkey, and a pig all went to an audition at a comedy club. The camel went on first. He did an impersonation of a llama, told ten jokes, and then left the stage. The judges all laughed. Then the giraffe came out. First the giraffe cleared her throat, which took a little while. Then the giraffe did a headstand and told a few tall tales. The judges found her so funny that they asked her to come back the next day. The donkey went on stage next. The donkey had a really zany act, and the judges got a kick out of it. Finally, the pig stood at the microphone. He told a really, really, really, long shaggy-dog story about a circus dog. The joke was so long that it took the pig two hours to tell it. The judges were so upset that they threw the pig out of the club.
Why didn’t the judges like the pig?

 

 

 

 The pig was actually a real boar.  
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A woman takes her hamster to the vet, and after a quick look at the creature, the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet’s declaration, the woman asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in comes a Labrador retriever. The dog sniffs at the hamster and pokes it a couple of times before shaking his head.
 “Just as I thought,” says the vet, “your hamster is dead.” Still not happy, the woman asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a gray tabby. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down and nudges it with her paw for a few minutes before looking up and shaking her head.
 “Yes, your hamster is definitely dead ma’am,” says the vet. Finally convinced, the woman asks how much she owes.
 “That will be $500, please,” the vet answers.
 “You are charging $500 just to tell me my hamster is dead?” says the woman, bewildered.

 “Well,” says the vet, “there’s my prognosis, the lab report, and the cat scan.”  
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The teacher was furious with her arrogant son in the classroom.

"Just because you've been put in my class, there's no need to think you can take liberties. You're a pig."
The boy said nothing.
"Well! Do you know what a pig is?"
"Yes, Mom," said the boy.

 

 

"The offspring of a sow." 

[scottiejohn]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

“The man who invented Cats’ Eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights.

 

If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.”

[laislica]

Not my experience  but read it this morning and laughed so much

 Last weekend I saw something on the internet that sparked my interest.   I was looking for a little something different for my Mrs . What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my Mrs what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Nigella looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Nigella (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

[billd766]

12 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Been there, still are there, but only 2 foot short.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]