Three things to do
before you die:
1)Swim with sharks

One for engineers and scientists using the metric system:

 

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal had been out drinking and decided to play hide and seek. Einstein was the first seeker and covered his eyes and started counting to 100.
Right in front of him, he can hear noises; Newton is on the floor measuring out a perfect one metre by one metre square.
Einstein gets to 100 and there, right in front of him is Newton stood in his chalk square.
Einstein yells “I’ve found Newton”, to which Newton replies “au contraire Einstein, you’ve found Pascal”.

 

At a wedding rehearsal, the vicar told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a shop manager, took the advice.
During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating.
Right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.

The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers today is fish and chips.

And even that, I take with a pinch of salt.

20 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
The first few chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.

I assume it was captivating and kept you hostage for some time!

3 minutes ago, fangless said:

I assume it was captivating and kept you hostage for some time!

Best of all, it's coming out as a TV series too.

They just shot the pilot.

Just now, ballpoint said:

Best of all, it's coming out as a TV series too.

They just shot the pilot.

Are you being series?

12 minutes ago, fangless said:

Are you being series?

Yes, though there was some resistance at first.

My very favourite dishes are all cooked with petroleum by products. 
I guess you could say I have refined taste.

My friend just installed ethernet in his home in Sydney. 
I can’t wait to visit the LAN down under.

Did you hear about the guy who pickpocketed a dwarf?
How could anybody stoop so low?!
 

They say that no two people see colour the exact same way.
So really, is colour just a pigment of your imagination.

 

Did you hear about the middle school that voted to change their mascot?

It was an agricultural area, but they wanted to be progressive and offer a female mascot.

So, they had three choices, a female sheep, a female goat, and a female deer.

After a long campaign, a series of debates, and a day of students voting yes or no on each, the principal stood before his students and announced that, in a unanimous vote, the new school mascot would be a female sheep.

It seems that even after all the campaigning, debate, and division,

 

the student body only had Ayes for Ewe.