After travelling to the US on business, Jock thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.
"That's a bit much," says Jock, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.
"That's still quite a bit," Jock complains. Growing annoyed, the clerk brings out a tiny fifteen-dollar bottle.
"What I mean," said Jock, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

 

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Are you or are you not suggesting we join the que?
Please give either a black or white answer! 
All puns intended!
????

I myself am a member of the KKKK !!

The Khon Kaen Kite Klub

2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I myself am a member of the KKKK !!

The Khon Kaen Kite Klub

I promise not to pull your string as I always thought you were "flying a kite" with many of you posts, but you do tend to cover yourself well, even if you kant spell!

Edited September 7, 20196 yr by scottiejohn
I can't spell either!!

What could possibly go wrong ??

Britain has never been so “ little“ !!

9 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

 

The land where the Bong-Tree grows - In a beautiful pea-green boat

A man gets a new set of dentures.

The dentist says “They will feel strange for a couple of weeks.”

The man replies “That’s OK, I’ll start wearing them on the third week.”

A man goes on an anger management course.

The therapist tells him: “When somebody makes you really angry, try counting to ten out loud”.  

At the next session the therapist asks: “Did you try my suggestion about counting to ten?”

“Yes”, replies the man, “It was very successful. When I got to eight I punched him in the face. He wasn’t expecting it at all.”

You can never be quiet enough !!

I would be reversing out of there as fast as I could !!

“ don’t get me that easy grim reaper !! “

Matt's wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks. Now, on the day before, Matt asks, "So what do you think you're getting for your birthday?"
His wife responds, "All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds."
"Oh, it will," Matt responds, "and it does."
The next morning his wife wakes up to find a set of bathroom scales in the driveway tied up with a pretty ribbon.

 

That's how the fight started
 

A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he's going.
"I'm heading to a lecture," the man slurs in response.
"A lecture?" the skeptical cop responds. "Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night, especially to drunken sods like you?"

"My wife," the drunk man slurs in response.
 

A young boy finds his grandfather, an avid gardener, working in his garden one afternoon. "What do you usually put on your celery?" the boy asks his grandfather. The old man wipes the sweat and dirt from his forehead. He's amazed his grandson has taken such an interest in his hobby. "Well, I usually put on a mix of enriched soil and rotted horse manure." "That's weird,"

 

The grandson replies. "We usually just put on ranch dressing."

Suggested male WC etiquette!

 

On 9/7/2019 at 1:33 PM, scottiejohn said:

 

29 Palms - The road leads back to you.

On 9/7/2019 at 1:33 PM, scottiejohn said:

Your door - The long and winding road

Away from your lover's place - Choose any one of 50 ways.

Morningtown - Rockin' rollin' ridin'

  Fallen down at your door           Walk 500 miles, and then walk 500 more.

 

 

Edited September 8, 20196 yr by ballpoint

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Fallen down at your door           Walk 500 miles, and then walk 500 more.

I assume only if "These Boots Were Made for Walking" If not I might just "Return to Sender"  looking like a "Puppet on a String" "With no particular Place to Go"!

Edited September 8, 20196 yr by scottiejohn

49 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

I assume only if "These Boots Were Made for Walking" If not I might just "Return to Sender"  looking like a "Puppet on a String" "With no particular Place to Go"!

That's easy for you to proclaim.

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

  Fallen down at your door           Walk 500 miles, and then walk 500 more.

 

 

Over troubled water - Bridge

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

  Fallen down at your door           Walk 500 miles, and then walk 500 more.

 

 

Last one from me (promise).

 

Somewhere over the rainbow - weigh a pie.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

 

What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

 

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

 

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!

 

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

 

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

 

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

 

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.