My friend Dave met a girl at a party on Saturday night & I couldn't believe his pick up line...

He said to her "You remind me of my little toe"

To which she replied "Oh you mean small and petite?"

"No" says Dave. "I'll probably bang you later on the table, in the dark."

The cat who was completely obsessed with my bump when I was pregnant is quite uninterested in the baby now that she's out.

It's a weird way to find out that my cat is a f***ing Republican.

Dad joke of the day:

Dude 1: "Hey bro?" Dude 2: "Yeah bro?"

Dude 1: "Can you hand me that pamphlet?"

Dude 2: "Brochure"

Two female teachers took a group of students from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to York racecourse, to watch horse racing.

When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom' it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in year 3?'

'No miss, he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding the favourite in the next race, but I really appreciate your help....