Walking Atm Syndrome

[kyb789]

This question is probably for the single guys who live here. I occassionally will meet a girl and after a few phone calls ask her on a date. When we meet at the designated location, to my surprise she has shown up with 3 or 4 girlfriends in tow. Now, I've been here long enough to know what that means. Farang=free ATM card and girls night out at his expense.

Before anyone gets started with "Thai culture" excuses I can tell you a few things. This tends to happen with the lower status members of the society, as I've never encountered it with any hi-so types. This isn't about being a Cheap Charlie, it is about being labeled as an ATM card and taken advantage of as a foreigner (and BTW, many people who live here are on local wages and have every right to be cheap given their limited budget). I also have interogated many of my good Thai friends and they all tell me it never happens to them. When Thai friends go out, everyone pays. My ego doesn't need stroking so I see no point in being taken advantage of like this anymore.

So- how do you back out gracefully and save face for the girls? I have sometimes

1. Asked them prior to the date "are you coming alone?"

2. Look surprised when we meet and I see the friends, then say, "Sorry I didn't know you were busy..etc, we can meet another time"

3. Go somewhere for 1 cheap drink then leave

4. Tell the friends they can order for themselves what they want, I will take care of my date.

What are some of your ideas?

[jumnien]

Many farang men between the ages of 18 and 80 could use Co-dependents Anonymous meetings when it comes to having no backbone regarding financial dealings with local ladies. Nancy Reagan probably said it best, "Just Say No..."

[undercover]

Yeah pull yourself togeather man, you wouldent do that in your country, why do it here ?

[kyb789]

Yeah pull yourself togeather man, you wouldent do that in your country, why do it here ?

I agree with you. But there is a delicate balance to be played if you really like the girl. If you cause her to loose face in front of her friends, it is over before it started. The girls that I don't really care about get the brunt of my wrath without hesitation. Would love to hear about other's experiences.

[Briggsy]

There are 3 reasons why this is happening to you.

They are

your age,

your age and

your age

you OLD CODGER.

How many decades younger than you are your dates?

Start asking somebody out who doesn't look like your daughter.

BTW are you a deep cover troll? 3 years waiting for your big one.

[jumnien]

If you feel it is generous or strategic to pay, then pay; but don't complain about being victimized by 35 kg. girls using you as an ATM machine.

[buriramboy]

Maybe you are just some old creepy guy, and your date feels the need for safety in numbers to avoid your unwelcome leachorous advances.

[kyb789]

There are 3 reasons why this is happening to you.

They are

your age,

your age and

your age

you OLD CODGER.

How many decades younger than you are your dates?

Start asking somebody out who doesn't look like your daughter.

BTW are you a deep cover troll? 3 years waiting for your big one.

LOL.. point taken. But I keep my dates no more than 10 yrs younger. And for those that didn't quite get the point of my post, understand that I DON'T put up with it. Just looking for other's experiences and solutions.

And BTW: Try not to acuse everyone of being trolls. I know its tough for many computer geeks, but try.

[Briggsy]

Ok, serious answer.

I've honestly never encountered this. The closest is being asked to ring the bell in a bar.

Set strict budgets for how much you wish to support your partner's lifestyle. Budgets for a date. Monthly budget. Annual budget.

When the request exceeds budget, serious not teasing request, walk away from the relationship immediately. This was advice from an Asian male.

Seems to me you realise you are a pushover and are looking for some kind of sympathy.

[britmaveric]

Safety in numbers and lot of the gals, don't go out alone on the first date. However I think expectations should be made prior so neither of you are surprised.

[skippybangkok]

This question is probably for the.....

Well depends on the bird. Most decent thai women i know would never go out on a first "date" alone. Infact, they try to make it look like we are all just friends going out. Just accompanied my wifes friend who met some one, an did not dare to go alone......

would say its quite normal, and if she showed up alone on 1st outing, that would be more of a worry.

[bkkmadness]

Ok, serious answer.

I've honestly never encountered this. The closest is being asked to ring the bell in a bar.

Set strict budgets for how much you wish to support your partner's lifestyle. Budgets for a date. Monthly budget. Annual budget.

When the request exceeds budget, serious not teasing request, walk away from the relationship immediately. This was advice from an Asian male.

Seems to me you realise you are a pushover and are looking for some kind of sympathy.

That wasn't really a serious answer was it? Setting budgets for dates, and if she wants an extra ice cream cone tell her to bugger off?

I assume the 'Asian Male' was talking about keeping a mia noi rather than a proper relationship right?

Edited February 26, 2007 by bkkmadness

[kyb789]

Now there is some good feedback coming from different schools of thought. I like that. Some good comments here.

It is difficult sometimes to read a girls intentions in the beginning. Some want their girlfriends around for security, some just want someone to pay the bill. I dated one that had never been out with a foreigner before. She also could not speak English. It was perfectly understandable that she wanted to be accompanied by her friend on the first date. She made this clear to me up front.

Yesterday was a different experience. These 4 girls seemed to have a different objective and they invited themselves by surprise. I could tell that one of them was the corrupt wolf-pack leader. The girl I actually wanted to see was a bit shy and just following her orders. I tried to be cordial and not let her loose face...I think she did when I refused to pay for everyone.

Last week I had a foot massage. After tipping the girl 50B, she had the nerve to ask me for 100B. I told her in front of her friends, what did she do to deserve so much? Some things just shouldn't be tolerated.

Edited February 26, 2007 by kyb789

[helicoptor]

The girls are there to check you out on behalf of their friend (your date) Farang = ATM card, we are all 'Lich' didnt you know?

[Briggsy]

That wasn't really a serious answer was it? Setting budgets for dates, and if she wants an extra ice cream cone tell her to bugger off?

I assume the 'Asian Male' was talking about keeping a mia noi rather than a proper relationship right?

I think he was deadly serious. Though it's likely the mia noi situation was in the forefront of his mind. However, the majority of Asian women will factor in their financial expectations into any (sexual) relationship they enter. I feel understanding this is realistic. It may be their financial expectations are " I make enough money already so I don't need any from you!"

Yesterday was a different experience. These 4 girls seemed to have a different objective and they invited themselves by surprise. I could tell that one of them was the corrupt wolf-pack leader. The girl I actually wanted to see was a bit shy and just following her orders. I tried to be cordial and not let her loose face...I think she did when I refused to pay for everyone.

Think I've met a few of them.

[davidjtayler]

When I first started dating my wife to be she was chaperoned by family members or friends for the first few outings... this was normal.

You can usually tell when someone is genuine or just 'taking the piss' Mr kyb, and it seems that you are already clued up regarding this phenomenan which is good.

We (myself and my wife) have been together for over 6 years now and married for 3 of those years and now if

any of her friends or family come out with us for a meal etc I pay even if they offer (which they normally do anyway) ... no worries.

The dynamics of our relationship has changed since the 'early days' of course, which makes life very easy.

Be patient and trust your instinct ...

[RAZZELL]

You can usually tell when someone is genuine or just 'taking the piss' Mr kyb, and it seems that you are already clued up regarding this phenomenan which is good.

The dynamics of our relationship has changed since the 'early days' of course, which makes life very easy.

Be patient and trust your instinct ...

Agree with you...sometimes my "ex" used to bring friends, sometimes a whole host of mates. Of course I paid...(I'm a soft touch)...But I let it be known she was taking the piss...Why treat me different from anyone else?

Hence the "ex"....

RAZZ

Edited February 26, 2007 by RAZZELL

[bino]

I Agree with a lot of the other posters who have said that Thai girls will often find safety in numbers or a group situation and wouldn't go alone on a first date, which is understandable.

I think it is best if you ask them upfront when making the plans for the date if they will be coming alone or in a group. Do it before you decide on a restaurant or location for the date, so that if she asks why, you can tell her that it will help you decide where to go and plan your budget. If she is bringing a crew of friends, you can choose a cheaper and / or less intimate location.

[Furbie]

You can usually tell when someone is genuine or just 'taking the piss' Mr kyb, and it seems that you are already clued up regarding this phenomenan which is good.

The dynamics of our relationship has changed since the 'early days' of course, which makes life very easy.

Be patient and trust your instinct ...

Agree with you...sometimes my "ex" used to bring friends, sometimes a whole host of mates. Of course I paid...(I'm a soft touch)...But I let it be known she was taking the piss...Why treat me different from anyone else?

Hence the "ex"....

RAZZ

Interesting. I have been on a number or fist dates in Thailand and only once did a girl bring a friend along; the friend promptly left after first introductions. No good Thai girl would/should run back with you to your apartment with you on a first date – but very little is likely to happen to her over dinner or at a movie. I fail to see the reason "safety" is needed – seems like an excuse to treat her friends to me. This goes for high-sos, and low-sos. I suppose if the girl is from a very strict family and has an early curfew or something ok, but then how likely are they to let her date a Westerner? The only girls I ever met who tried to get me to pay for her friends to eat and drink were involved in a certain specialized occupation. - YMMV.

But to answer the poster's question - How would I get out of it. First, I would not get into it by making it clear this is a western style date between two people. But, just in case, I always keep my first date as casual as possible – I think I have had more fist coffee dates than I can recall. If we hit it off, I suggest a movie or going to get a bite to eat. If we do not, it is easy to bail after the first cup. I can not stress this enough – coffee at a good coffee place is a great first date – you can talk to each other. If she does bring friends along, even if you are sucker enough to pay, it is not a lot of money. Drink your coffee, make your excuses, and then move on to the next girl.