So many failed relationships

[billd766]

12 hours ago, rumak said:

would have been nice if you answered the question that i asked in the post....

I gave you an answer, probably not the one you wanted.

 

You are looking on the dark and dismal negative side of things where I much prefer the lighter and positive side.

[rumak]

4 minutes ago, spidermike007 said:

I used to think the most important qualities of a relationship were intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual connections. I have changed that standard dramatically over the years. I was fortunate to find a Thai woman who is smart, funny, pretty, has a gorgeous heart of gold, is charming, affectionate, and always has my back.

 

Early on in the relationship, I was having a minor crisis about the intellectual part. She is very smart, but not intellectual, nor philosophical, which I think is not uncommon here. I was lamenting this fact to a close friend, who is very smart. He said when you feel intellectually deprived, you get on the phone, call me, and we can get together for dinner. Some of the best advice I have ever gotten. I think back to my past relationships with intellectually gifted women. Nearly all of them were also very combative, very competitive, and loved a good debate. It gets old very quickly. The last person in the world I want to be battling with, is the woman I love and live with! The trade offs, and upside of not being with that type of woman who is always feeling the need to prove herself is tremendous. Peace of mind, harmony at home, and the ability to continue to grow the love and affection, without having to combat a warrior is such a joy! 

 

 

hey, you posted that before   haha   i have a good memory.   I also remember it because i agree . especially the part :   Peace of mind, harmony at home, and the ability to continue to grow the love and affection, without having to combat a warrior is such a joy! 

[rumak]

1 hour ago, villagefarang said:

Over the years I have come to view checklists as objectifying, demeaning and generally unproductive.  While some things may be considered important enough to be dealbreakers, like smoking, drinking, gambling, dishonesty or stupidity, each couple is different.  Some people bring out the best in each other while others bring out the worst.

 

My wife and I are approaching 22 years together and we are still very much in love.  No checklist would have predicted the synergies of our relationship.  My many years of experience in Thailand before we met, my language proficiency, my personality, patience and understanding, all played a part.  Sure love, beauty, athleticism, social graces and intelligence are important to me but being in a loving relationship is not like owning pets or livestock.  You can’t own someone and you have to find ways to work together.  In the end, you are the most important part of the equation because you are the only thing you have any control over.

pretty much twisted the spirit of what the post is asking.   QUOTE : ""What are the 3 or 4 most important traits they want to find in the woman that they think they can be happy living with ?"   If you think that is asking for checklists, that you find objectifying, etc etc...... that is not how i view it.   Then of course you go on again to tell us all what we already know.  Your life and wife are great and you have many great qualities as does your wife.  zzzzzzzzzz      Personally, i think character traits are VERY important and the main reason that people do not get along.    My checklist has more than 3 or 4 qualities that i would not compromise on :  lack of integrity, honesty, loyalty, respectfulness are a few of the "dealbreakers" in my book.   If you think me believing that is "demeaning"  that is your opinion.  These are character traits !

talking about pets and livestock and owning someone ?   How did you come to that ?  I do like people with vivid imaginations , but think you got a little carried away with your story.

[rumak]

a few more traits i find attractive:   someone who is in a good mood ,    someone who is not demanding or picky .     someone who does not get off on challenging me.... but sees me as her "partner" who wants the best for her and vice versa .      someone who likes a healthy lifestyle.     

I don't see many responses such as these ( and those i mentioned above)).......

so i guess its the usual     i wanna nympho      and people trying to be cute/ show their testasterone.

 

[villagefarang]

I answered your question and gave you my opinion, which apparently does not support your beliefs or hypothesis about relationships and why they are successful or not.  I do not believe in demeaning women with an arbitrary list of important traits like one might have when purchasing an inanimate object.  It is the person who is important, not some arbitrary list, and each person is different.

 

Why not ask ourselves how we should behave and what characteristics we need to possess to attract the kind of women we want in our lives?  Don't they have some say in all this, or is a woman only there to satisfy male needs or fantasies?

 

Then again, what do I know?  I have only had one successful marriage and no divorces.????

[Kwasaki]

14 hours ago, rumak said:

 1.  What are the 3 or 4 most important traits they want to find in the woman that they think they can be happy living with ? 

2.  Those that have the "happy relationship" can give their thoughts on what works.   

3.  Those that have one or multiple failures can also enlighten us on just what qualities they found lacking.   In their Thai gf..... or heaven forbid, in themself.

1... Obviously to luv or like each other and care for each other.

2.. There's more to a relationship than happiness it has it's up and downs so obvious again compromise.

3.. I found western women lacking according to 3 western marriages breakdowns, my Thai wife understands me has fulfilled many of my needs over the years, as for myself I know can be selfish and a lousy husband some of the time.

 

If you looking for answers yourself best look to books.

[RichardColeman]

To me just being content with each other when you have money and you don't are my best indicators. 

[rumak]

49 minutes ago, villagefarang said:

I answered your question and gave you my opinion, which apparently does not support your beliefs or hypothesis about relationships and why they are successful or not.  I do not believe in demeaning women with an arbitrary list of important traits like one might have when purchasing an inanimate object.  It is the person who is important, not some arbitrary list, and each person is different.

 

Why not ask ourselves how we should behave and what characteristics we need to possess to attract the kind of women we want in our lives?  Don't they have some say in all this, or is a woman only there to satisfy male needs or fantasies?

 

Then again, what do I know?  I have only had one successful marriage and no divorces.????

you used bad examples to get up on your soapbax.   My question was a simple one...you decided to put your spin on it .  Simple question !   What one looks for .   Of course it is important to look at oneself as well, but that is not the topic here.   I stand by my feeling that you post to boost your ego.  Not an uncommon thing on the internet of course.   But if you are as smart and understanding as you think you are, well maybe you might just see that.  No, its all about you.  Once again having to end with how successful you are.    Just a simple question that I have given my thoughts on .  If you want to start a thread all about you go ahead.  The talk about demeaning women or anyone because one wants certain traits is just complete BS.    

The substance and tone of my post was a positive one.  Those that try to turn it into a negative are just showing how their minds work.   Anyone pretending that they do not choose friends or relationships based on traits need not answer.  

[billd766]

1 hour ago, villagefarang said:

I answered your question and gave you my opinion, which apparently does not support your beliefs or hypothesis about relationships and why they are successful or not.  I do not believe in demeaning women with an arbitrary list of important traits like one might have when purchasing an inanimate object.  It is the person who is important, not some arbitrary list, and each person is different.

 

Why not ask ourselves how we should behave and what characteristics we need to possess to attract the kind of women we want in our lives?  Don't they have some say in all this, or is a woman only there to satisfy male needs or fantasies?

 

Then again, what do I know?  I have only had one successful marriage and no divorces.????

Like you I answered his question and gave my opinion. He wasn't that happy with my response either.

[Beatriz]

Farang loves to find the black cat in a big dark room. He couldn't find it, finally he got the switch working, switch on the light then he found there was not black cat in the room.

Farang goes to Thailand looking for a black cat in a dark room.

Have you switch on the light yet? It's time to get the switch working mate.

[rumak]

5 minutes ago, billd766 said:

Like you I answered his question and gave my opinion. He wasn't that happy with my response either.

I didn't even respond to your response.  duhh      Because you just said i was negative and went on to talk about how many good relationships there are.   If you read my post (not just the title)  you would see that the question had nothing to do with how may bad or good relationships there are.   THE QUESTION was what traits do you look for that you think would make for a long and happy relationship.  

And if you ever get to read a bit more of my posts,  you might learn that I am an advocate of trying to look and improve ones self to help ensure success.  Not blame others.   I think there are few people answering the question I AM ASKING ....because maybe it might make them take a look in the mirror and think about why things sometimes don't work out.   One thing I don't do is go on and on about how great my life and successes are.  Those are the most boring posts

[scorecard]

16 hours ago, billd766 said:

What, as usual, is missing from the post, is how many good relationships in farang and Thai marriages there are.

 

I know about 25 guys married to Thai ladies and probably about 2 or 3 marriages have failed which compared to the west is a very good sign.

 

I have known my wife for 26 years this May, married for 19 of them and we have a 14 year old son. Several of my friends have been married for longer than me and some for several years less. 

 

Some have children and some not, some live in their home countries, some in Thailand and some in another country.

 

The general trend I see on TVF with respect to farang Thai relationships is mainly the failures for a few different reasons. Very few of the successes as most sensible guys married to Thais won't post on here because of the ridicule that we get from those marriages who failed.

Quote:

"The general trend I see on TVF with respect to farang Thai relationships is mainly the failures for a few different reasons. Very few of the successes as most sensible guys married to Thais won't post on here because of the ridicule that we get from those marriages who failed."

 

 

Also, IMHO too many folks marry who should never even contemplate marriage to the specific person suddenly in the picture.

 

Marriage is  partnership, both parties need to be compatible with each other in many ways regardless of nationality etc. The right and complete chemistry doesn't happen all that often regardless of race, location or whatever.

 

So many farang come here unconsciously in love with the idea of having a Thai wife, and they rush into a relationship which has no chance of success, all regardless of what the woman and the man bring to the table.

 

And as said yes there are plenty of wonderful success stories which don't get much media attention. My marriage was full of love care equality concern happiness in every way, it lasted for many many years before my wonderful wife succumbed to serious health issues. 

 

 

[1FinickyOne]

Kindness is a big thing... I respect that in my wife.

Priorities: Taking care of family, helping out the ones in need. 

Non- Confrontational: I find very little I care to fight about. In a fight, the other person tries to hurt you and you try and hurt them... either way, you lose. Better to let things slide. I don't want to get hurt and I surely do not want to hurt someone I love. 

 

As far as I can see, the reason for a relationship is to help each other to have a better life... 

 

[xylophone]

1.    It is important to find a woman who cooks, cleans up and
has a job.

2.    It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.

3.     It is important to find a woman who you can trust and
who doesn't lie to you.

 4.   It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who
likes to be with you .

5. It is vital that these 4 women don't know each other ....
 

[scorecard]

21 minutes ago, rumak said:

I didn't even respond to your response.  duhh      Because you just said i was negative and went on to talk about how many good relationships there are.   If you read my post (not just the title)  you would see that the question had nothing to do with how may bad or good relationships there are.   THE QUESTION was what traits do you look for that you think would make for a long and happy relationship.  

And if you ever get to read a bit more of my posts,  you might learn that I am an advocate of trying to look and improve ones self to help ensure success.  Not blame others.   I think there are few people answering the question I AM ASKING ....because maybe it might make them take a look in the mirror and think about why things sometimes don't work out.   One thing I don't do is go on and on about how great my life and successes are.  Those are the most boring posts

 

 Well what traits, in your opinion, should the man bring to the relationship to be successful?

[1FinickyOne]

2 hours ago, spidermike007 said:

He said when you feel intellectually deprived, you get on the phone, call me

I found that with my wife in USA... even when we agreed on something 99%, it would narrow down to that 1% and blossom into a fight. I hate to fight. With my friends, that doesn't happen. In relationships there often seems to be an issue of having the upper hand which is determined by who is right or wrong most often. 

 

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? 

[villagefarang]

I think the bit about looking in the mirror and asking why things don’t work out is great advice. ????

[Sheryl]

Anyone can have a relationship go wrong. But if you have had a string of them, there is something wrong in your end. Common causes:

 

1. Poor judgement in choosing a woman (seeing what you want to see/not taking enough time/going for the women easiest to find or who approach you (bad sign usually)/ giving too much weight to the wrong factors - see also #2)

 

2. Unrealistic expectations. A typical one here is expecting to get a woman half your age or less who isn't in it for the money. You can find one or the other but almost never both. 20 somethings do NOT find men over 50 attractive. A 35 year old may - or may be mature enough to value a man's character over his physical appearance - but a 20 year old eager to be with a man on the wrong side of 50 is in it for financial reasons. Remember: if you set out to buy a woman (directly or indirectly) you will end up with a woman who can be bought/only cares about money. A lot of farang men do the former and are then outraged and upset when they discover the latter fact.

 

3. Insensitivity/poor relationship skills. If you aren't choosing the wrong women then you are mishandling your relationships. Remember it has to be a two way street and the woman has needs of her own. Some men will put in the time and effort to get a woman but once in a relationship they expect it to be totally one sided. Doesn't work.

 

Often a combo of the above factors.

 

[xylophone]

16 hours ago, rumak said:

Those that have the "happy relationship" can give their thoughts on what works.   Those that have one or multiple failures can also enlighten us on just what qualities they found lacking.   In their Thai gf..... or heaven forbid, in themself.

I didn't really come to Thailand looking for a relationship as I have never been that good at relationships, mainly because I'm okay with my own company and don't really see the need for a full-time companion, although I did have a 10 year relationship with a lady in New Zealand, whereby we would meet during the week once or twice and hold dinner parties at my place at weekends.

 

Not being together all the time really does suit me, so when I found a lovely lady here who had never visited a bar, drank or smoked and who was intelligent but shy, I took a liking to her and after a while we moved in together and had almost 5 years of a mainly good relationship.

 

The things that attracted me to her was that she was bright and intelligent and although she couldn't speak much English, she soon learned through online means and the help of an electronic dictionary; she was good-looking and very kindhearted and was easy to be with and had just a lovely way about her (always smiling), and of course she was extremely caring.......oh and nearly forgot, she was a great cook and meticulous housekeeper.

 

I lived with her longer than anyone else I have ever lived with, but in the end we parted ways and it was as much to do with me as it was her as I got tired of her lengthy silences and couldn't put up with them any longer (which may have been something that I had done, but I never did find out).

 

Having said that she was a very difficult lady to lose touch with, because I still cared about her and her daughter, and I supported them for about six years after we split, catching up with them quite often for meals and shopping trips and really considered them to be still part of "my family".

 

I did get used to the fact that it is damn near impossible to have a deep and meaningful intellectual conversation with a Thai woman, and I missed that mental stimulation sometimes, but she was just delightful in most other ways.

 

Even at my age, I still get women quite a bit younger than me asking if I have a girlfriend (and would I like one) but I see no need for a live-in companion/wife/girlfriend as I am pretty well self-contained, however if I do become sick and need assistance, I would have no hesitation in getting a larger place and moving someone in on a salary basis.

 

[dotpoom]

16 hours ago, Justin Side said:

You love her and she loves you.

Quite simple really.

I most heartfully agree but I have to say that I have come to the conclusion that in  the majority of cases ...it is not "love" as we know it between a Farang and a Thai lady (again, I did not say in all cases).

  It's like..."if we are compatible and get along well together"... well, that's all that's needed. 

  Having given this much thought over my many years here I have come to the conclusion that this is a much better way than the one of "waiting for the love of one's life" to come along, like we might do back home.

   Rather than her being the love of your life ..she is really your best friend in life.  

[BobbyL]

Language. The first thing that attracted me to my now wife (been together over 7 years) was her level of English. I had been here about 6 or so months and she was the first Thai I had met that could actually hold a proper conversation and was educated and interested in the world outside of Thailand or Asia.

 

I could never be in a relationship with someone who I couldn't communicate properly with. I know a few guys who have GFs etc and apart from ''Hello'' or ''How are you?'' the conversation doesn't stretch very far at all. Unbearable. 

[wombat]

16 hours ago, madmen said:

Over the years and lots of loose women and 2 long term relationships I have concluded that female Buddhists have more in common with martians than they do with western men.

and thats why it works.

[spidermike007]

46 minutes ago, kenk24 said:

I found that with my wife in USA... even when we agreed on something 99%, it would narrow down to that 1% and blossom into a fight. I hate to fight. With my friends, that doesn't happen. In relationships there often seems to be an issue of having the upper hand which is determined by who is right or wrong most often. 

 

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? 

Absolutely spot on. For some reason, most American women feel the need to always be right, always have the upper hand, always be in control, and nearly always emasculate their men, whenever possible. There are exceptions for sure. However, they are in the small minority. Alot follow these patterns, and it is not pleasant to be around. That combined with the innate inability to manifest the dignity within femininity, and it makes for something way south of fulfilling. And the smarter they are, the more they want to engage in debate. 

[bkk6060]

I want to play the violin with many of these comments.

What ever happened to the man having confidence, being the boss, making decisions, taking control?  I am amazed how weak males have become.  Especially here, it is unbelievable how many are paying for these girls lives and families and they are afraid of their own shadow. 

Oh oh, we need to be equal I don't want to upset her...

She telling you drink too much, eat too much, talk too much....

All this western weak male syndrome stuff is getting worse and worse males are sadly doomed.  All of it is spreading like a sickening plague.

 

 

 

[Skallywag]

7 minutes ago, Sheryl said:

 

1. Poor judgement

 

2. Unrealistic expectations. 

 

3. Insensitivity/poor relationship skills. If you aren't choosing the wrong women then you are mishandling your relationships.

 

Very true +1.   my wife went from 48kg to 80kg in several years.  I was indirectly responsible as was paying the bills.  I never knew anyone who could just not work or not want to work in their 30's, developed an intense love of fatty foods and non-physical lifestyle.  Could watch Thai TV series on DVD, then on her cell phone 12 hours a day.  She really did do a 180 after marriage IMHO. Even Thai doctors telling her she was obese and had high blood pressure problems didn't phase her..... 

[villagefarang]

13 minutes ago, BobbyL said:

Language. The first thing that attracted me to my now wife (been together over 7 years) was her level of English. I had been here about 6 or so months and she was the first Thai I had met that could actually hold a proper conversation and was educated and interested in the world outside of Thailand or Asia.

 

I could never be in a relationship with someone who I couldn't communicate properly with. I know a few guys who have GFs etc and apart from ''Hello'' or ''How are you?'' the conversation doesn't stretch very far at all. Unbearable. 

 I wholeheartedly agree that language and the ability to communicate effectively is very important. Over the years my wife has studied and brought her English language ability up to the same level as my Thai, so we fully understand where the other person is coming from and can speak each other’s languages. 

[Skallywag]

2 minutes ago, bkk6060 said:

Especially here, it is unbelievable how many are paying for these girls lives and families and they are afraid of their own shadow. 

Oh oh, we need to be equal I don't want to upset her...

All this western weak male syndrome stuff is getting worse and worse males are sadly doomed.  All of it is spreading like a sickening plague.

Been there done that.  are you an MGTOW follower bkk6060?  

[BWPattaya]

16 hours ago, brokenbone said:

it helps a lot if shes a nympho

I had one once. After five days I had to tell her to leave. She would have killed me. Every man’s dream but in reality it is a nightmare. 

That was 19 years ago and I still remember her name. 

[Pravda]

I have no good answer. 45, 2 failed marriages in the west and most likely a failed marriage to a Thai in the process.

 

However, I won't blame women. Maybe the problem is me. None wanted my assets, they just wanted me out of their life. Generally I must be a bore.

[spidermike007]

Although there are certainly some credible allegations that have materialized, since the whole Weinstein scandal broke, there are also alot of opportunists who have used this as a pretext for their agendas. I do not think there is any occasion, where it is justified for a man to push himself on a woman, assault or rape a woman, or take advantage of her drunken or drugged state of mind. Never!

 

But, let's face it. Women have been using their femininity to get ahead for centuries. And there is nothing wrong with that. We use what we have to work with. But, the burden of proof is so minor these days, and reputations and lives can be shattered with one allegation. The system must work to establish a burden of proof on the accuser, and must set the bar higher than it currently is. The histrionics from some members of the movement, like Rosie O'Donnell, and especially the hysterical Minnie Driver, have been too much. When Matt Damon spoke out, and defended George Bush Sr. for patting a woman lightly on the butt, she excoriated him. When Damon had the audacity to say there is a big difference between patting a woman on the butt, and rape, she screamed no. It is about the same thing, I believe she was quoted as saying. Come on. There have to be limits. It is not the same thing! Hysterical tirades are not going to drive this thing forward, in a productive manner. What Bush Sr. did was relatively innocent. Sure, there are women who would be offended by that, these days. But, I know women who are offended by a stranger saying hello to them, in the US now. Probably about the same in the weak nations, like Australia, the UK, Oz, Canada, and a few others. By weak, I mean the nations that insist that their men be emasculated, and subscribe to the uber feminist creed of toxic masculinity, like what the heinous brand Gillette is now promoting. Masculinity is good. Be yourself. Just be respectful of women. Fortunately, most women here in Thailand appreciate a masculine man, who is able to take the lead, and be captain of the ship!

 

I have a dear friend, who told me a great story. He said his mom was in Times Square during the celebrations after WWII ended. The soldiers were returning home, to a heroes welcome, which they deserved. She told her son that she was standing around, greeting the soldiers as they paraded by. She said she was kissed, hugged, and fondled by hundreds of soldiers. She said she probably had 800 guys kiss her that day. She told her son it was the best day of her life, and possibly the highlight of her life. Nearly all of the women in the crowd were kissing hundreds of complete strangers. Nobody thought it was the slightest bit inappropriate. How things have changed! Recently, a woman who was in one of the most famous photos taken of that celebration, has come out and stated how shocked she was, when she was kissed. Yeah right. And I have a bridge to sell. 

 

Due to this whole movement, relationships, and many friendships between men and women have been changed, and substantially degraded.  I know very few guys in the US who are getting any action since this movement started. They are finding it hard to even date a gal, in a normal manner, as things have gone dangerously out of control.