Few Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A father was watching his young daughter playing in the

garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his

little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought

about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent

eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went

over to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was watching two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl

asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute

and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are

Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a

moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said,

"Well, we're not having any of that gay S*** in our garden."

Train Ride

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".

"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I ###### well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers...."

Rules for Driving in LA

~ If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current colour of the light.

~ The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.

~ If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.

~ Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.

~ Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.

~ When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need to stop.

~ While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.

~ Every lane is the suicide lane.

~ Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car in a parking ramp.

~ During rush hour, drivers should pass the time by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.

~ If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of icicle plants.

~ For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest.

~ To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are driving on the 101 or suffering from a midlife crisis.

~ If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.

~ If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it 's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.

~ Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.

~ Totally disregard on-coming traffic.

~ If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!

~ Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5 AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.

~ Never Carpool.

~ Take full advantage of your right to u-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.

~ In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can not drive in any sort of precipitation.

~ While driving uphill, do not down shift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.

~ On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,

Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year

old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years

old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our

advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the

church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, "simply in on the

Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and

continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come

along,"