The week that was in Thailand news: East is East and West is West - or when Boris met Uncle Too

 

 

It was a chance encounter on a bright autumn morning in the corridor of a large building with UN emblazoned on it.

 

One man with suspicious jet black hair was wondering what the U and the N stood for while the other with a lopsided mop on his head was in a bit of a rush.

 

BJ: Oh I am sorry for treading on your foot.

 

PC: Never mai.  I usually tread on my own so it makes a change.

 

BJ: Ha, I must say I know the feeling. I'm Boris.

 

PC: Pleased to meet you too. My name is Prayut Chan-ocha. Prime Minister of Thailand. Just call me Uncle, all my adoring fans do.

 

BJ: Ah Thailand! I went there recently. Loved your capital Rangoon. Bit disappointed with the totty though, I'd heard it was coming out of the woodwork.

 

PC: We are much maligned, Longman's Dick started it.

 

BJ: Saucy!

 

PC: Though I heard rumors about working girls in Pattaya. Foreigners probably or Type 2 woman. You seem rushed - going somewhere nice?

 

BJ: Got to get on the next flight to London - Thomas Cook have messed up my holiday plans.

 

PC: Thomat who? Do they do zero-dollar tour?

 

BJ: A joke old boy. I'm a PM too, of sorts, and have to get back to Westminster. A bloody court of traitors has just said I've broken the law.

 

PC: (incredulous look) My goodness, in Thailand we have a different system. We tell THEM what to do.

 

BJ: That sounds spiffing - East is East and West is West and all that, my classics master taught me that. Also I have to talk to one chap about using the four letter "C" word.

 

PC: Coup?

 

BJ: I say, how clever you are, however did you guess? Do you play hangman?

 

PC: So you have to dash back. No time to enjoy New York?

 

BJ: 'fraid not. I need to get a General Election started.

 

PC: We had one of those - they elected me, but then I am a General!

 

BJ: Very droll Uncle. My opposition won't let me have one.

 

PC: Opposition? What is this strange and unintelligible word you confront me with. It sounds like surrender such humbug.

 

BJ:  Good words; I'll slip them into my strategy...I mean speech. Yes, pesky blighters these opposition chaps. They want to stop me leaving the EU without a deal.

 

PC: The EEW? - sounds horrible. Like what north easterners put in their Som Tam.

 

BJ: Geordies there too, eh? My BFF Dominic says this EU mob have stitched us up like kippers. Foreigners in another country telling me what to do, you know.

 

PC: I can sympathise. In my case it's the Chinese I have to agree with or we won't get their money.

 

BJ:  I've tried everything. There was this cunning plan I devised called "prorogue". I thought, I'm a bit of a scallywag on the quiet so I thought anything that is Pro-Rogue must be worth a try. Right shower. Even had to get on the blower to Mrs Windsor to explain.

 

PC: Mrs Windsor?

 

BJ: 'er indoors, if you like. Thought she was just a rubber stamp, now I'm in a right Eton Mess, if you'll pardon the pun. Anyway must dash, who did you say you were again?, problem with names.

 

PC: Uncle Too. How do you do.

 

BJ: How do you do too Too. We must get together next time I'm with Nellie on the way to Mandalay. Toodle-pip.

 

It was a tumultuous week on both sides of the pond. Rooster needed to get extra supplies of 20 baht Toro popcorn in for mammoth sessions in front of my preferred Sky live feed. There was barely time to keep even half an eye on the Thai news.

 

Hapless Boris came out all guns blazing back in Westminster while his pal in the White House might live to regret getting overly pally with a Crimean comedian. For one it was raining in the UK, for the other it was UK-raine that was the problem. 

 

International betting markets - though they have been thoroughly wrong before - now make impeachment more likely than not.  

 

Prayut meanwhile enjoyed his sojourn in New York far more than any of the bigwigs. He managed to get in a few choice words of praise about Thailand's universal healthcare and was careful to avoid mentioning that it was the idea of a man (and his sister) who he has frequently tried to lock up.

 

No need to stoke the unwelcome jibes about "military government in disguise".

 

To wit, some protesters outside the United Nations were burbling on about democracy. How could a phrase made up of "demon" and "crazy" be taken seriously, he thought. He needn't have worried. Thai PBS said that the detractors were Peruvians who couldn't speak Thai, news to Prayut who thought everyone on earth spoke his Lingua Franca.

 

Additionally the protesters couldn't even find Thailand on a world map, we were told. Uncle was glad that the reporters didn't ask him to pinpoint the kingdom's location though he remembered it was on the right of somewhere where there are as many Generals as Thailand and north of that cautionary place where the last PM dipped into the trough a little too obviously.

 

Uncle settled back into first class on THAI; safe in the knowledge that all his entourage would never need to pay for flights so long as they all shall live and probably even in the next life. "Bailout" is such an ugly word he thought - Governmental Fiscal Measures seems so much more pleasant. As the In-Flight entertainment confirmed the looming fate of his erstwhile UK buddy he had to agree with that "East is East and West is West" comment.

 

Thank goodness for the East - even if tourism is up and down like a whore's knickers, as Borit might have said. And then He slept. The deep sleep one can only have when the "subs" are still running and the latest consignment of attack helicopters is not as expensive as we first thought....

 

Back in Thailand the news was far more light-hearted (though foreigners observing the public school japery of the House of Commons could be forgiven for thinking that politics in the UK IS a laughing matter).

 

Finally, we were told that evidence of prostitution had been found in Pattaya. Where Pattaya Plod failed Chonburi Immigration were much more eagle-eyed. They succeeded in locating a Ugandan even though it was dark. Perhaps the clue was that Walking Street meant Street Walkers.

 

They added a few Egyptian ladies with nice pyramids and a couple of Uzbeks for good measure sending the African home and giving the others a second chance. What kind people the Thais are even when these foreigners sully their good name!

 

Rooster must accept responsibility for the story and while Thaivisa was criticized in some quarters for "click-bait" I had been cruelly baited by Naew Na who waste my time with massive lists of every immigration officer in Thailand before getting to the crux of the story that lasts about one typo filled line of Thai script.

 

What is a translator to do under such circumstances? Bore the pants off the reader or give them a little fun perhaps causing a whimsical wobble on the bar stool?

 

The titter-o-meter was also stretched to breaking point with the story of the Canadian who was arrested with a dodgy passport on the poorly named Friendship Bridge in Mukdahan. Poor Canuck had failed to notice that the ink was wrong on the forgery and he now hailed from VANCOVER.

 

Naew Na said that biometrics rather than an ability to spell had saved the day. They perpetually bang on about the 2 billion baht system that some forum posters claim will just be a precursor for admissions that it doesn't work after all. This will be followed by suggestions that the Thais were hoodwinked by foreigners out to make a crafty buck, thus beating them at their own game.

 

In Bangkok - Rooster's spiritual if not ancestral home - plod managed to arrest a kindly thief who the locals had called "Robin Hood". The RTP went along with this no doubt thinking that it was really a badly pronounced Robbing Hoodlum.

 

Rooster went on a puerile foray into puns involving Honda "steeds" that were "well scarlet", Maid Marians waiting at The Mall and monks in Suphan Forest that were descendents of Friar Tuck.

 

Sometimes, what with Brexit and the value of the pound and a wife who won't talk to you because you 'forgot' to go to the gold shop on her birthday, one must do what one has to do to get through the day.

 

But I sobered up a little and put puerility on the back burner when faced with the translation about a Russian pugilist who had fallen to his death in QUOTES (the Queen Of The Eastern Seaboard). Without a hint of irony the Thai media reported that the unfortunate victim's broken body was clad only in boxers.

 

Most of the Thai sensationalism this week was reserved for the story of the demise of "pretty" Lanlabelle that entered its second salacious seven days. "Ai Nam Un" (Bloody Warm Water) found himself in hot water facing three charges. I referred to him as a "Pretty Boy" because the Thai media started it.
 
The rozzers were forced to accept that being seen twice on CCTV dragging someone in then out of a condo might possibly indicate malice aforethought. Bukkhalo's finest went to Nam Un's condo but he refused to open the door.

 

Instead of facing a bill for knocking it down - even if they knew how to - they backed off and arrested Pretty Boy at a gas station after he had made a call to mumsy. Now let the payments, er...I mean justice begin. 

 

On Friday the sensationalism continued with six arrests. Another pretty this time called Dear said she had woken up naked at 10 am after the Lanlabelle party in Bang Bua Thong. 

 

Why don't I get invited to these gatherings?

 

Other stories also stretched incredulity to the limit. That's putting aside the one about tourism being up in August compared to last year (when, as I said last week, the dire effects of the Phoenix boat disaster were being most keenly felt). This week we had the story of a love triangle to end them all.

 

In fact it put the end in Finnish.

 

A Thai wife claimed that her Finnish husband had connived with her Finnish ex to abduct her daughter from school and take the nine year old to meet her real dad in a Khon Kaen hotel for a bit of birthday bonding. Meanwhile the step-father lobbed over to Laos.

 

Who would blame him for wanting to get away from that mess. Kranuan district plod were happy that the charges were dropped and everyone promised to get the warring family factions back on track later.

 

It made Rooster's marital and offspring shenanigans of recent weeks look like a walk in Lumpini.

 

And so to a few Rooster awards. The Jeremy Clarkson sponsored "Star in an Expensive Car" award goes to the knob head "Farang in a Ferrari" who assaulted a woman after hitting her in his motor. He then committed the cardinal sin of ranting in Thai and failing to get his tones correct.

 

The "Better Late Than Never" award I give to the planet's young people who are trying to make the supposed adults wake up to climate change and its consequences. The Swede at the UN called them turnips while youngsters in Bangkok played dead without needing the assistance of the traffic.

 

For what it's worth Rooster is a strong believer in the dire predictions. If I was younger I'd swap the Civic for a boat to go with my 12th floor condo. In fact I believe the worst case scenarios may be understated. I foresee a time before this century is out when climate change deniers are hounded and jailed like Holocaust deniers of today. In fact, I see a time when world leaders are assassinated by climate terrorists for not putting the interests of the human race ahead of their politics.

 

Finally a positive word about the Thai PM (no, it's not  about his now accepted invitation to the POTUS to visit Thailand...) In Prayut's New York address about the Thai health system he highlighted the work of HRH Soamsawali and her achievements in promoting HIV issues and preventive measures.

 

Pre-exposure drugs are now widely available in Thailand and much has been done by the princess (the present king's first wife now divorced) over nearly two decades of work to ensure that HIV patients receive the best and most affordable care. Her efforts also mean HIV issues are not swept under the carpet.

 

Many people in Thailand owe her a debt of gratitude.

 

Rooster

 

-- © Copyright Thai Visa News 2019-09-28

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5 hours ago, rooster59 said:

Why don't I get invited to these gatherings?

Admit it! You would much rather get invited to a Scrabble contest.

13 hours ago, rooster59 said:

we were told that evidence of prostitution had been found in Pattaya. Where Pattaya Plod failed Chonburi Immigration were much more eagle-eyed. They succeeded in locating a Ugandan even though it was dark. Perhaps the clue was that Walking Street meant Street Walkers.

Evidence of prostitution in Pattaya?

 

No Way! Holy <deleted>!

 

The next time that you hear someone say that the Thai people aren't too intelligent, tell them the story of how they managed to hide prostitution in Pattaya for all these years!

 

 

 

 

Your best yet.  Loved the opening dialogue; suggest you continue with similar during Trump's proposed visit.  After I told you I envied your writing platform, you advised me to start a blog.  So I did - https://mwbell2000.wixsite.com/mikebell

Thank you.

Most enjoyable

Loved the Boris-Prayuth stuff. Hilarious and bitingly true.

3 hours ago, Krataiboy said:

Loved the Boris-Prayuth stuff. Hilarious and bitingly true.

Me TOO.

Thank you.. loved it. 

On 9/28/2019 at 4:29 PM, rooster59 said:

Rooster must accept responsibility for the story and while Thaivisa was criticized in some quarters for "click-bait" I had been cruelly baited by Naew Na who waste my time with massive lists of every immigration officer in Thailand before getting to the crux of the story that lasts about one typo filled line of Thai script.

 

What is a translator to do under such circumstances? Bore the pants off the reader or give them a little fun perhaps causing a whimsical wobble on the bar stool?

I think true story better. 

At least one can expect such conversation from blondie ????????‍♂️

It was the last  line that was  your  salvation this  week.