Thursday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Aboriginal bloke walks into a bar with one thong on. The barman says "what happened mate? Lose a thong?" aboriginal bloke goes "nah mate found one!"

What did Bob say to Frank when he turned off the light...?

"Thanks"

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead." A drunk stumbles out of a bar late sat night. Trying to walk down the street he suddenly stumbles and in a fit of drunk like gymnastic flare he falls over.

A nun who happens to be walking past rushes to the man's aid, helping him to his knees, then to his feet. Before she can say anything, the man hits her with a mean right hook, he doesn't stop there and follows up with a left, then another right, the poor nun drops to the ground where again she is repeatedly kicked and stomped.

Finally after 5 mins the drunk runs off in the direction of the bar.

He bust's through the doors with an almighty sense of achievment, shouting at the top of his lungs,

"I'm the greatest fighter in the world."

A big guy at the bar say's, "I'm the Australian Heavyweight champion, and have a belt to prove it." "What do you have?"

The drunk looks him directly inm the eye's "Yeah, big f#cking deal," " I just kicked BATMANS ARSE!" A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know *sht*?"

One day a guy walks into his local pub and sees a pot of cash sitting on the counter..he asks the bar tender "how can i win this money?". The bar tender replies "go out the back and make the donkey laugh". OK...The bloke walks out to the donkey and then returns with the donkey in fit laughter..he wins the money..

The bloke returns the next day and sees more money sitting in the pot. the bar tender says "now you must make the donkey cry". The bloke says "ok i'll be back in a sec" and walks outside and soon returns with the donkey crying.. The bar tender is shocked and asks "how did you manage to make him cry?'' .. The bloke replies "well yesterday i said i had a bigger c ock then him and today i showed him!"

[stagger]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while

he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs

some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?!"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"He just ate the cue ball off my table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in

sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats

it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey just did?", he asks.

"No, what?" replies the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it

out and ate it!", said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the man. "He still eats

everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he

measures everything first."