The Baaad Christmas Jokes Thread 2020 - Old, New, Ancient, Prehistoric - We don't care just make them Bad.

[chickenslegs]

Sorry, posted in the wrong topic.

Edited December 3, 2020 by chickenslegs

[chickenslegs]

 

Q: What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

A: When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

 

Q: What do a train set and your wife’s boobs have in common?

A: They were both made for kids but dads like to play with them.

 

Q: What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

A: Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.

[Susco]

 

[sanuk711]

[Seth1a2a]

[Seth1a2a]

[faraday]

[faraday]

[faraday]

[faraday]

[Seth1a2a]

[Salerno]

[Salerno]

[Crossy]

Warning! There is language suitable only for grownups in this clip (probably excludes most TV members then).

 

 

[faraday]

[faraday]

[Daffy D]

[faraday]

[faraday]

[Salerno]

[chickenslegs]

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

Christmas cake recipe:

 

You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

[chickenslegs]

[ballpoint]

The night before Christmas, at the lawyer's house:

 

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

 

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.

 

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

 

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as “I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

 

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

 

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the “Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

 

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the “Deer”). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named “Rudolph” may have been involved.)

 

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

 

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

 

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts” to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts.” Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

 

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!” Or words to that effect.

 

I hereby affirm that the above statements are true.

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[Inepto Cracy]

The Legend of why the Christmas Fairy sits on top of the tree.

Story goes that Santa came into his house at midday, after a horrid morning at the toy factory.

The elves had done nothing right in making the toys, the reindeer all had upset tummies and were unfit to fly, he was a bit upset.

Santa walked into the kitchen and Mrs Claus had not cooked his lunch yet and he was very hungry and cold.

Just as he sat down at the dinning room table, the Little fairy burst into the room shouting at Santa, "What do I do with this silly tree Santa?"

And that fellow folk, is why the Christmas Fairy sits on top of the tree.

 

[Solinvictus]

*Santa says to the expat*

 

What do you want for Christmas?   A vaccine...