I came from a poor family.  I once got two batteries for Christmas, with a note saying "toys not included".

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Have you been down to the supermarket recently ?

 

 

Another random Amazon delivery,

Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: “That’s some reindeer” he says.

“67 years. Yes, that is a lot", replies the Queen.

On the first Christmas morning, the three wise men walk into the manger. The first one steps in donkey poo…looks at his shoe and exclaims ‘Jesus Christ’…Mary looks up at Joseph and says…”Hey, that’s a better name than Keith.

Q: What do elves do after school?
A: Their gnome work!

 

Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!

 

My wife's warned me to be on my best behaviour with her mother this year.  Two years ago I bought the old bat a cemetery plot for Christmas, and last year I didn't get her anything.  When she asked me why, I replied "well, you still haven't used the gift I gave you last year".  Who'd have thought an old woman would have such a good right hook?

I can't recall where it came from but at least 30 years ago we sang in the pub at Xmas.........and I only remember it from 5.

5 Choir boys queer

4 Sh.. house doors

3 French whores

2 pairs of drawers   and my Lord Montague of Buleigh .        ok ,ok wrong spelling of Bewly .

 

But, seriously, to all fellow members of Thai Visa.  Well, most many some of them at least:

 

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2021, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make the country great. Not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only country in the world. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wish.

1 hour ago, toofarnorth said:

I can't recall where it came from but at least 30 years ago we sang in the pub at Xmas.........and I only remember it from 5.

5 Choir boys queer

4 Sh.. house doors

3 French whores

2 pairs of drawers   and my Lord Montague of Buleigh .        ok ,ok wrong spelling of Bewly .

 

RN version, hopefully redacted sufficiently to avoid the attentions of the bad words police.

 

Twelve t**ts a twitching
Eleven legs a locking
Ten tits a trembling
Nine knees a knocking
Eight aching a***h***s
Seven syphilitics
Six convicted vicars
(falsetto) Five choirboys queer
Four s***house doors
Three French whores
Two pairs of draws
and Lord Montague of Beaulieu. (Beaulieu incorrectly pronounced as Beau-li-eu)

 

I seem to remember several variants of the last line involving a dose of VD and a used "French letter" (condom).

Great News, Santa is out of COVID lockdown, Christmas is saved... 

How the Chinese view Christmas in the West

On 12/8/2020 at 10:55 AM, ballpoint said:

What do you call a blind dinosaur ?
Doyouthinkhesawus.

Have to correct you here

 

What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesawus

 

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Heneversawus

 

NO!, Alan... 

 

 

a blonde xmas 

 

19 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: “That’s some reindeer” he says.

“67 years. Yes, that is a lot", replies the Queen.

 

UK 2020 Top 10 cracker jokes

 

1. What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song?

Driving Home for Christmas.

 

2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop?

Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!

 

3. Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem?

All Virgin flights were cancelled.

 

4. Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?

They have herd immunity.

 

5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown?

Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen.

 

6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto?

Because eventually, it’s behind you.

 

7. Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?

Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

 

8. Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?

He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.

 

9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?

They put on a super spread.

 

10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?

Home Alone.

 

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Edited December 13, 20205 yr by Stocky

for the homesick veteran expat in you... 

 

Baaad Santas new Sleigh