Hurricane Warning

A major Hurricane (Shazza) measuring 5.8 on the Beaufort scale hit in the

early hours of Monday.

Epicentre: Basildon, Essex.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "faaackin ell" ..

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of

damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish

Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars

were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered,

still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had

happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracey Lauren Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5, said "It was

such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom

crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.

I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny

Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still

searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal

belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at

Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those

unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most

sought after, items most needed include:

-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps

-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

-- Shell suits (female)

-- White sport socks

-- White stilettos

-- Rockport boots

-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

-- Microwave meals

-- Tins of baked beans

-- Ice cream

-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

Donations of cash are welcome - remember:

-- 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

-- £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9

-- £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of

those affected.

**Further Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in claret - 'Where are

you bleeding from?' they asked.

The answer came back: "ROMFORD"