One Liners

[Jamesyboi]

"I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs."

"Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it."

"So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest"."

"You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

"The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?"."

"So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

"I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one"."

"So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

"So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays"."

"But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."

"So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray."

"So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck"."

"But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite... one jar."

"So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness"."

"You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter."

"So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again"."

"So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt."

"He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment"."

"Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch."

"And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel."

"So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"."

"So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster"."

"Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here""

"A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything""

"A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?""

"A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here""

"A seal walks into a club... "

"A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road.""

"A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.""

"A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.""

"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."

"A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.""

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."

"Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?"

"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."

"I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder."

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals."

"Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way."

"My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade."

"Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."

"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.""

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?"

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

"You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither."

"Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living."

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before." {I'm almost sure this is really Steven Wright's joke}

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"My friend crossed a Pitbull with a Shitzu and ended up with a bull shit."

[suegha]

Some of these are very good indeed. The Bullshit make me chuckle!