Tuesday Jokes

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when it suddenly stepped on a thorn, wedging it between its toes. Being in too much pain to continue, the elephant lay down and began to cry.

Shortly after, an ant came across the elephant and asked why she was crying. "I have a thorn in my foot and it's too painful to walk," cried the elephant.

The ant thought a minute and offered a deal: "I'll pull the thorn from your foot, if you let me have my way with you."

"Okay, I'll do anything," whined the elephant. "Just get the ###### thorn out!"

The ant pulled the thorn out, then mounted the elephant and began to hump away. Two monkeys in a nearby tree witnessed the whole thing and were laughing their asses off. They started throwing coconuts at the elephant, and finally one hit her square in the head. The elephant yelled, "YEOUCH!"

The ant said, "Yeah, that's riiight, take it all bitch!"

"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake.

"Why?" asked the second.

"Because I just bit my lip."

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"

"I dunno," said the second.

"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.

"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.

"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."

"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."

A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?"

His mom said, "Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him."

The boy replied, "Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day."

A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of her teammates about using steroids. She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places.

When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my nuts."