The Worst Analogies In High School Writing

[CalicoConsulting]

THE WORST ANALOGIES IN HIGH SCHOOL WRITING

* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

* Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

* They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

* The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

* The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

* Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

* Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

* The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

* The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

* The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

* It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

* It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

* The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

* The revelation that his marriage had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

* She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

[PeaceBlondie]

The 15 year old Korean girl smiled her best smile - crooked teeth with chrome wires and rotting kimchee - which came across the coffee-stained restaurant table resembling yesterday's partially filled crossword puzzle, crumpled in the trash bin of unfulfilled adolescent fantasies.

[sceadugenga]

The 15 year old Korean girl smiled her best smile - crooked teeth with chrome wires and rotting kimchee - which came across the coffee-stained restaurant table resembling yesterday's partially filled crossword puzzle, crumpled in the trash bin of unfulfilled adolescent fantasies.

Now that is really gross PB, did you write it at high School yourself?

[suegha]

The 15 year old Korean girl smiled her best smile - crooked teeth with chrome wires and rotting kimchee - which came across the coffee-stained restaurant table resembling yesterday's partially filled crossword puzzle, crumpled in the trash bin of unfulfilled adolescent fantasies.

Now that is really gross PB, did you write it at high School yourself?

Well, I blame our teachers, they were always telling us to pack our writing with adjectives!

[dogblower]

I thought a couple of those weren't too bad.

[sbk]

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

Actually, I can relate to this one

[CalicoConsulting]

Actually, if someone wrote an entire book of "my brother Phil," I'd snatch it up and read it eagerly. I also love hefty bag and bowling ball.

[PeaceBlondie]

Then there is the improper use of the passive participial phrase, coupled as a misplaced modifier in a mismash of mismatched metaphors and excessive alliteration: "Having been relocated from Eirie to Enola, the Empire State Building no longer resembled the non-flaccid phallus of some Olympian god gone groggy for having had an overload of orange opiates."

[suegha]

Then there is the improper use of the passive participial phrase, coupled as a misplaced modifier in a mismash of mismatched metaphors and excessive alliteration: "Having been relocated from Eirie to Enola, the Empire State Building no longer resembled the non-flaccid phallus of some Olympian god gone groggy for having had an overload of orange opiates."

Man, where did this come from?

[Jersey_UK]

* Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

For me that is good

"If you have not had any yet, let me know and I will give you one" - I got my boss to sign this on a fax many years ago, got my a#se slapped when he found out (Grasses )